


White Noise (Drown Everything Out)

by Spiella



Category: Bandom, Twenty One Pilots
Genre: A Lot of Gay, Biphobia, Brotherly love makes up for it tho, Emotional Teenagers, F/F, F/M, High School AU, Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Neurodivergency, Past Child Abuse, Underage Drinking, Underage Smoking
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-28
Updated: 2016-09-04
Packaged: 2018-07-18 19:30:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 50,074
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7327396
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Spiella/pseuds/Spiella
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Josh Dun is a man with a plan. He knows exactly how he's going to get through high school, who he's gonna do it with, and he's gonna have a lot of fun doing it. He's got it all worked out, and things go so smoothly it's like a fairytale. He has the best friends anyone could ask for, and he's so happy with everything going for him. High school is excellent.</p><p>It's exactly 5 weeks until the end of junior year when a kid with unruly hair and some pink shoes comes back, and it's exactly 5 weeks until the end of junior year when Josh Dun loses his mind over a kid with unruly hair and some pink shoes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I

**Author's Note:**

> A little thing for my friend Ama. This is my first fic like this! I've never really gotten involved in the fanfiction community, but... Here we go. Any and all feedback/comments are appreciated. I've got big plans for this story, it's gonna be a good one (I hope).

Joshua Dun is a man with a plan, if he dare say so himself. He has been since the 8th grade when he came home from 9th grade orientation and decided how he was gonna get through high school.

Josh Dun was going to make exactly 7 friends, and only keep close with 3 of them. They were going to be low-radar, they were going to be tight, they were going to ride or die. The eight of them were going to be _killer_ in high school, but in an underground sense. Low-risk, low-popularity friends. He had a very specific kind of person in mind for each friend, and he knew he’d be able to find those people in a school of 2800 students.   
  
They were all going to be in the same grade, narrowing the pool down to approximately 775. He only needed seven. By the end of his freshmen year, he had _found them_ , too.   
  
Upon having these friends, they were going to be tight and chill and know exactly what they wanted to accomplish in a short term sense. He got that, too: Pete wanted to finish restoring his ‘62 Chevelle, Patrick wanted to see New York City before he graduated, Brendon wanted to come out to his parents and Dallon wanted to be there with him. Hayley wanted to be the star of a viral video, preferably for a song she wrote. Debby wanted to propose to Jenna on her 18th birthday, and Jenna wanted to _master_ the art of peach pie baking.   
  
Josh wanted to collaborate with someone, musically. He was killer at the drums and although he would never own up to it, he really loved all the praise he got for his skill.   
  
Currently, it’s exactly 5 weeks to the end of Josh’s junior year and this group could not be more intact. Josh Dun was a man with a plan.   
  
Well, not this morning, but on most days he was. This morning, his mother had to leave early to work and Josh missed the bus.

“Dude,” He’s laughing over the phone. “Just come get me. My car’s not e--”

“Calm down, I’m turning onto your street.” Pete laughs, the noise fuzzy over the receiver. Josh hangs up on him and stuffs his phone into his pocket, holding out his other thumb over the sidewalk like a hitchhiker as Pete pulls up in a white sedan. This was his dad’s car, one Pete borrows on school days because Pete’s working on something “special,” or something (the car. Josh knows its the car, but Pete would kill anyone if he mentioned it because he wants to take Patrick to NYC in it). He pulls open the passenger side door and Pete jerks the car forward, taking off about 2 feet and laughing even harder when Josh cries out in distress.

“Peter!” Josh jeers. The other gives it up, nods and jerks his thumb towards the back seat, motioning for Josh to throw his bag back.

He turns his hat around as he climbs in, rolling down the window even before he has the door closed. Pete doesn’t wait for him to buckle in before he’s racing down the suburban street. Pete pulls out of Josh’s neighborhood like he belongs in a Nascar race, and Josh tries not to say anything anymore because it just wastes energy trying to argue with Pete Wentz.

They get to school with no problem (okay, the little car peeled out on a corner a little too long) and park next to Patrick, who is leaning against his own car, waiting for the other two.

“Hey.” He greets them with a wave that Josh returns as he swipes his bag from the back seat. The three walk up to the main building and meet Brendon from his seat on the bench near the bus lot.

“5 more weeks!” Brendon cheers. Pete nods emphatically, like Brendon’s mantra means something new every time he says it, every Wednesday without fail _all. year. long._  
  
The four of them stand in a circle as they talk about their plans for summer as if spring break hadn’t just ended. The conversation is still as enthralling at Pete talks about going to Detroit to see his parents for the first time since he moved down here to live with Patrick, and as Patrick promises to join him _only_ if they take a road trip to NYC immediately following their stay. Brendon talks about some guys Josh doesn’t really know, so he washes that from his mind. When the guys look at him, he shrugs.

“I don’t really have a lot of plans,” He says. “I mean, sure, I’ll probably get ahold of Hayley and her band of friends at some point, but…” Josh trails off with another shrug.

“Dye your hair again?” Patrick suggests. Josh nods. “Red, or something?”

“Definitely red.”

“Yeah.” The conversation dies at the same time the bell rings, and there’s a release of tension as they all walk their separate ways. Josh and Brendon walk to their shared English class, taking seats in adjacent rows, Josh two rows behind his friend with hair entirely too theatrical.

For the majority of class, they take notes on the types rhetoric found in something John Steinbeck wrote that Josh hasn’t read yet. He pays attention, no doubt, but the second their teacher dismisses the lesson, Josh is flicking his paper football into the back of Brendon’s neck.

Brendon chases him down the hall until they have to part and go to their respective classes. For Josh, that’s social studies. He pops in his seat with no problem, knowing his teacher always forgets to leave a plan for the substitute (which was the case on this very Wednesday). He pulls out his phone and texts Debby, who is one classroom over in _her_ history class. When she doesn’t reply, he instead draws poor scratches in his notebook; little alien faces and UFOs, an enormous tree, using red and blue pens to lightly outline a galaxy. _That’d be a cool tattoo_ , he thinks absently. He makes a little red, thickly outlined star next to the tree to remind himself later.   
  
The bell rang without incident.The day dragged on in a similar fashion until Josh decided he’d had enough of this Wednesday, asking Pete for his car keys during lunch so he could skip 5th and 6th. Pete gave him a look of interest, gesturing him to come closer.

“Did you see the kid in your history class?” He asks quietly, palming the keys into Josh’s hand. The blue-haired boy shook his head. “The sick lookin’ kid?”

Brendon suddenly jut in. “If Patrick and Dallon had a baby, lookin’ kid?"

“ _What?”_

 _“_ You’re going to hell,” Patrick laughed out. Josh twisted his head to look at Patrick, who was motioning him over to the other side of the table. He quickly thanked Pete for the keys and jumped over the table, narrowly dodging the guy’s plate of orange slices.

“Who are they talking about?” Josh asked.

“Hayley’s talking to him.” Patrick pointed behind him discreetly, and Josh followed his thumb to Hayley’s neon yellow mop of hair. She was engaged in conversation with Debby. Josh narrowed his eyes.

“That… Would be Debby…” he whispered, confused.

“What?” Patrick turned, and Brendon twisted their shoulders sharply to look back at him, earning a cry of irritation from his friends.

“No, no, he left about a minute ago… Where did he go?” Brendon was searching the lunch hall with his eyes frantically. Pete leaned in next to Brendon, and pointed to his own right. Josh leaned to see beyond Patrick and squinted. He still wasn’t sure who to look for.

“He’s wearing the white tee,” Pete said. Josh saw him.

His knees were relaxed as he stood talking to the Dean, his back to Josh. His t-shirt was flowy, almost oversized for his gangly frame. His arms were almost too long, and he had three small rings tattooed around his wrist. He had deep brunette, coffee colored hair that stuck up at all angles but he made it _work_ . He wore black skinny jeans that _really_ showed off how emaciated he looked, and… Floral shoes. _Alright_ , Josh thought to himself.   
  
“What’s the big deal?” Josh whispered, as if he was afraid the guy could hear him.

He _immediately_ regretted saying that, because when the boy turned around, he nearly went cardiac arrest.   
  
“Tyler,” he breathed. Josh felt himself break out into a sweat as he scooted backwards away from his friends, hand clamping over his mouth in shock.

All three of them were eyeing him curiously.

“You alright, bud?” Patrick asked, his voice full of concern.

“Fuck,” Josh breathed out, scrubbing at his eyes with the butt of his palm. He nodded jerkily.

“Who’s Tyler?” Brendon asked.

“He…” Josh stopped. “That guy. His name is Tyler.” His eyes followed Tyler as he walked out into the main hallway, out and away from the lunch hall.

“You know him?” Brendon was still talking, but Josh couldn’t hear anything.

“Why were you guys so interested in him?” Josh was talking over Brendon, but he could tell his friend didn’t care.

“Debby said she thought he looked familiar.” Pete shrugged, his hands folded together in front of him as he leaned on his elbows. “Was seeing if you knew, and I guess you do?”

“Debby.” Josh said. He stood up sharply, looking for that head of auburn hair. Patrick reached up with one of his arms and turned Josh’s head in the right direction, and he immediately took off towards her.

“Debby, _Debby_ ,” He was saying over and over again as he approached his long-time friend. Josh had known Debby since 2nd grade when she first moved to the area, and they’d _always_ had each other's back. Even if they went weeks without talking, it always felt as if no time had passed between them.

“Hey, Joshie!” She said, eyes twinkling as she held out her arms. Jenna laughed from her seat next to her girlfriend. Josh sat next to her, quickly exchanging a one-armed hug.

“Listen, Deb,” He looked around for Tyler again, making sure the boy was nowhere in earshot. “You… That was Tyler?” He asking like he needed to make sure, but he already knew the answer.

Jenna’s eyes read confusion as Debby’s eyes began to tear up, her mouth folding into a thin line.   
  
“You saw him too?”


	2. II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Legitimately started crying when I saw the reactions to this. You guys have no idea how much that means to me. Thank you so much. 
> 
> P.S. The third chapter will be up by tomorrow morning. i love u all

_Fuck_ , Josh thought, his mind running in circles. _Tyler. Tyler Joseph. That was really him._  

“Josh,” Debby sighed, grabbing his shoulders. He focused on her again, seeing the tears collecting on her eyelashes. He exhaled through his nose, feeling his own eyes beginning to pool up. “Do you wanna get out of here? I think… We need to talk?” She asked gently. Josh nodded slowly.  
  
He waited for Debby to excuse herself from the table and say goodbye to Jenna before they walked back out to Pete’s car, the keys suffocating in Josh’s grip as he slid into the driver seat and Debby slid into the passenger. They sat in deafening silence until lunch ended, the bell ringing out dully across campus. Students bursted from the seams of the walls, eventually filling the building back up in a new order. Josh and Debby still sat in silence.

“So, um,” Debby breathed, cutting the air like a knife. Her voice was wet, like she was refraining from crying. “...Tyler.”

“Haven't seen him in a while,” Josh joked poorly, his hands struggling to find a place in his lap. He settled for underneath his thighs. “Wish… He woulda’ said he was in town.” Debby snorted. She wiped her eyes with the end of her sleeve, face avoiding Josh’s general direction.

“I saw him walk into Rickard’s class. I didn't even know it was him at first.” She said to the floor mat. “I thought that he looked familiar and before I even sat down in my own class, it hit me. When you texted me, I was too scared to look because I thought you realized it, too.”

“No, we had a sub today, I didn't even look up.”

“Do you think he saw _you?_ ” Debby asked, a soft lock of hair curling over her eye. Josh hadn't considered that. He ran his hand over his neck and felt his Adam’s apple bob as he swallowed.

“I don't know. If he did, he didn't seem like it at all. I heard Hayley was talking to him?”

“Oh, yeah. I guess they have 5th together and he was asking where it was at. I _know_ Hayley didn't know him, because she didn't come around until aft--”

“Yeah.” Josh finished for her. “Wonder how he knew her?” Debby shrugged in response. Silence blanketed the car again.

“It's 5th right now…” Debby eventually whispered, her voice cracking in the middle. Josh immediately felt his hand get clammy. “I could… Text Hayley, and--”

“Do it,” Josh whispered. Neither of them looked at each other as she fervently ripped her phone from her bag, rolling up her sleeves in the process. Josh almost wanted to laugh when he flicked his eyes over and saw the tip of her tongue caught in her lip as she concentrated typing.

Somewhere in a math classroom, Hayley’s phone started vibrating against her stomach. She pulled it out of her pocket slowly, turning the brightness down and hiding the screen under her desk.

**Waifu (12:17pm):**

_Hey lady, it's Deb. We’re in the middle of a crisis._

Hayley's thumbs flew over the keyboard. Debby watched her type.

**Yelyah (12:17pm):**

_What's up buttercup_

Debby looked to Josh, and he pressed his lips together. They shrugged simultaneously.

**Waifu (12:20pm):**

_The kid who came up to you in lunch. He's in your fifth? Where is he at in the classroom right now?_

Josh gasped, reaching to snag her phone before she could send it, but it was too late.

“ _What are you doing?”_ He hissed at her. Debby made a noise he couldn’t identify.

**Yelyah (12:22pm):**

_He's in the back sorta?_

_He's in the row next to mine, why_

Debby bit her lip, typing slowly.

 

**Waifu (12:23pm):**

I'm trying to get an ID on the kid.

**Yelyah (12:27pm) (+1 attachment):**

_He said his names Tyler. Here's a pic._

 

Debby’s breath hitched audibly. Josh leaned over and put his chin on her shoulder.

That was Tyler she was looking at. He wasn't looking at the camera. His hair was rumpled even further, his bottom lip worried between crooked teeth. He was sitting criss cross in his chair, one elbow propped on his desk to keep his head afloat and the other settled neatly on his thigh. His eyes were fixed on the notebook on his desk.

Debby jumped when the next text came through, jerking Josh’s head away.

**Yelyah (12:33pm):**

_He saw me snap the pic lmao. is that your guy?_

 

**Waifu (12:35pm):**

_Yes._

_Thank you Hayley_

 

Debby sat back in her seat, dropping her phone into her lap and wiping viciously at her eyes. Josh gently plucked the phone from her leg and continued to analyze the photo.

“God damnit,” Debby sobbed into her hands. Josh reached out and thumbed her shoulder, moving it in small circles. He couldn't take his eyes off Tyler. “I can't believe it's really _him.”_

“Should I talk to him?” Josh blurted out, his head turning to her sharply. She looked at him with sad, confused eyes and shrugged. She opened the glove box and took out a napkin, dabbing away the mascara from her cheeks.

“I don’t know what kind of place he’s in. I don’t know if that would be a good idea. It might sting.” She was searching Josh’s face for something he wasn’t sure she could find. He frowned at her.

“Maybe… Let him settle in?” She suggested, rubbing her palms against her thighs. “Wait for him to approach you? I mean, I saw him in your history class…He might come to you.” Josh leaned back against the driver seat and rubbed his eyes angrily.

“His eyes were so _brown_.” Josh murmured. Debby let out a choked sob. He felt her tap on his wrist. He held her hand tightly. “I hope they still are.”

She didn’t know what he meant.  


* * *

 

And then it was Thursday afternoon. Tyler wasn't at school that, apparently. No one had seen him (although none of them were going to own up to looking for him, either). Josh waited for Pete outside, standing with Brendon as they talked about the kinds of cakes the Brendon could use to compensate for his bisexuality when he broke the news to his parents.

“I'm thinking, like. German chocolate.” Brendon said, his hands stuffed in his pockets.

“Marble.” Josh said without thinking.

“What the hell is that?” Brendon asked. Before Josh could answer, Pete burst from the crowd with Patrick, their hands clasped firmly together so they didn’t lose track of each other in the herd of students. Josh didn’t say anything when they didn’t let go.

“Ready, man?” Pete asked, a little breathless. Josh nodded. They took off.

It was a couple hours later, Josh at the dinner table with his family, when get got series of texts from Brendon.

 

**Breadbin (5:09pm):**

_Dude_

_You could have just told me instead of slipping a note in my pocket_

_That's kinda Gey_

 

Josh laughed to himself at the last message. He read the other two, scrunching his eyebrows together.

**Spooky Jim (5:11pm):**

_I didn't stuff anything in your pockets, my dude_

_What was the note, though?_

 

**Breadbin (5:14pm):**

_says “choc + raspb, not mixed 2gthr but baked in 1”_

_is that that marble cake you were talking abt? Sounds pretty fuckin good honestly_

 

Josh paused, breath hitching.

“Joshua,” his mother said, ripping him from his trance.

“Hm?”

“Put your phone away at the table, sweetie.” She said gently. Josh nodded, putting his phone underneath of his leg until he finished his food.

In his room, he urgently typed to Brendon.

**Spooky Jim (5:49pm):**

_What the fuck that's my favorite kind of cake_

 

**Breadbin (5:57pm):**

_U sure you didn't put it there? That's weird man_

 

**Spooky Jim (6:01pm):**

_Ok I'm starting a group chat. See if anyone's got something to do with this_

 

**Breadbin (6:02pm):**

_Don't, jerkoff_

_There was a reason we closed the last one_

 

**Spooky Jim (6:04pm):**

_Okay, well_

_I'll text the girls, you get the guys_

 

**Breadbin (6:04pm):**

_calm down kiddo_

_It's not a big deal_

 

**Spooky Jim (6:04pm):**

_No B you're not getting it_

_I think I know who it was but I need to be wrong_

 

None of his friends put the note in Brendon’s pocket. Not even Dallon, unless Brendon had secret friends they didn't know about that he never brought up.

Pete picked him up again the next morning. Their drive to school was lulling, which was typical for a Friday.

“I can't figure out who would have done that.” Pete said, fingers tapping the bottom of the steering wheel. His brakes squealed as he came to a stop at the intersection before the school grounds. Josh didn't answer. Pete clicked his tongue in thought. “Could it have been that one kid?” He said lightly.

“Pink shoes?” Josh asked, feigning confusion.

“Yeah… Pinky.”

“Okay, if you're gonna call anyone that--”

“It was _one time,_ Dun.” Pete shot him a glare as Josh laughed.

“Pink frosted tips are forever, Pete.”

“Shut your mouth.” The flustered boy parked in the back of the lot and turned off the car, leaning back in his seat. The duo sat in silence on their respective devices, waiting for Patrick to arrive.

“Dude,” Pete whispered, his eyes widening as he suddenly sat up straight. He looked like he saw a ghost. “ _D_ _ude.”_

 _“Dude.”_ Josh mimicked.

“We should get everyone together and go to the lake. Go to Edgewater Park and camp out for the weekend.” Josh nodded, intrigued.

“You know it's Friday? We would have to leave like, right after school.”

“Gather the masses.” Pete snapped his fingers at Josh, pulling out his phone. Josh laughed, mimicking him again.

Once he settled down in history, he was still trying to convince Debby to call in sick to work so she could come along. She politely refused several times before getting fed up and stopped responding to his messages, but he wasn't going to let her off easy.

He was typing out another extensive, emoji-littered message when a note was slapped onto his desk. He focused on his message, only looking at the note when he was finished.

His heart stopped.

 

_Long time no see_

 

 


	3. III

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the boys meet :0
> 
> here's another 3k words, srry. i hope you guys enjoy reading this as much as i enjoy writing it. it means a lot to me to read your comments, so please keep telling me what you think :) also, this really does have a plot. i have places i'm going with this, it's just taking some build up before things get swinging. please be patient :)

Josh looked up, scanning the room fervently. It had to be from Tyler. That was the only explanation. He stood up and fisted the torn piece of paper, moving back to the corner of the room to try and see _everyone_ so that Tyler couldn't hide. He found nothing.

“Mr. Dun,” the teacher said. He made a gesture towards Josh’s seat. “If you will.” Josh shook his head feverishly, palming his forehead.

“I gotta go,” He croaked. “I'm… I gotta…” He didn't bother to finish as he stumbled out, ripping his phone from his pocket and dialing Debby. He leaned against the adjacent classroom door, where Debby quietly stepped from seconds later.

“Yes, Jo-- oh my, are you? What's going on?” She grabbed his arms, pulling him into a hug as he struggled to catch his breath.

“He left, he-- he, this--” he couldn't form anything. Debby shushed him gently, rubbing firm circles between his shoulders. “D-Deb,” Josh tried again, a tremor wracking his body as he leaned all his weight into her.

“We need to get out of here, some of the doors are open.” Debby whispered. Josh nodded, leaning on her heavily as they walked through the hallway and out into the vacant lunch hall. Debby sat him down against his usual table and stepped away to fill a paper cup with water before sitting next to him. “Okay, blue boy,” she said, wrapping an arm around him. “Tell me what's going on.”

Josh shook his head violently. He leaned forward to put his head between his knees, trying to force his breathing back into a regular pattern.

“Glad you're using that.” Debby said. She remembered forlornly when Josh was  _never_ able to catch his breath, when his panic attacks tore him apart and took all night to recover from. Josh refused to be medicated for it until last year when he blacked out in the middle of an episode. She didn't have time to reflect, though. Josh leaned back up, thick breaths through his nose disturbing the quiet air in the commons. He unclenched his fist, revealing the greasy, crumpled piece of paper in his palm. Debby plucked it away and smoothed it out. She cradled it gently between her fingernails.

“You… Think it was him?” She asked slowly. Josh nodded, and then shook his head.

“I…” He swallowed sharply, adam’s apple bobbing. “I don't know. I feel like it was. No one else would--”

“Hey, guys,” Patrick’s voice suddenly rang out, high and concerned. The duo looked up as he approached them, a bathroom pass dangling loosely from his wrist. “Is everything okay?”

Debby eyed Josh carefully, and he waved his hand in permission, still trying to catch his breath.

“Josh was having an anxiety attack.” Debby said, her voice feigning nonchalance. Josh appreciated her attempt to normalize it, but he knew Patrick wouldn't take it lightly.

“What? Dude, are you alright?” He squatted down in front of Josh. Josh flicked Patrick’s fedora away from his eyes, and Patrick followed the motion with Josh’s snapback.

“I'm good, it just,” he swallowed. “Takes a minute to bounce back from.” He tried a smile. Patrick nodded along with him, eyebrows pulled together in concern.

“Dude…if you ever need me, you know I'm here, right? So is Pete. We’re all here. You don't gotta hide that stuff.” Patrick said, patting Josh’s knee gently. Josh nodded, smiling to show he appreciated the sentiment.

He really did. When he planned out the level of trust he would have with his friends in high school, he didn't exactly anticipate such unwavering support for things like this. Josh's chronic anxiety wasn't exactly public knowledge, but he didn't care if his friends knew, either. It’s not like they actually _knew_ , though. Debby knew, of course. Debby had been Josh’s closest friend, one of Josh’s _only_ friends for the majority of his life. They never had secrets, they never kept things private, they had no filter around each other. Their mothers joked about them being siamese twins for a little while.

“Can I ask what happened?” Patrick said. Josh blinked for a moment, finally calming down enough to speak properly.

“It’s a long story.” He breathed. He gestured to the note in Debby’s hands, which she was still transfixed on with wide eyes. Patrick shrugged.

“Maybe not the best time, then. Will you text me? I’m really worried.” He said, jiggling his hall pass. Josh nodded. Patrick clapped him on the shoulder before stepping out of the commons, leaving Josh and Debby alone again.

Debby spoke first. “It was him.” She said. Her voice was low and disbelieving. He turned his eyes to look at her, resting his cheek on the palm of his hand as his elbow dug into his thigh. “This… Is Tyler. Josh, this… Doesn’t feel real. I feel like I've seen this before, though.” He could see her face twisting up in pain, and he gently took the note from her fingers, stuffing it in his pocket.

“What… Do we do?” He asked, taking her hands and placing them in her lap.

“Pretend we don’t know.” She said. Her eyes were drooping, sorrow collecting in the corners.

  
  
At lunch, Josh anxiously waited for Pete to come through the crowd so he could take his car keys again. It never happened.

“Hey, man,” Brendon said, sitting across from him at the table. Josh smiled at him. “You okay? One of Dallon’s friends said you--”

“Dallon has friends?” Josh gasped, his eyes wide. Brendon snorted and rubbed his eyes.

“Dall’s always been kind of an outsider,” Brendon said, offhandedly, and tried to dive back into his original point, but Josh couldn’t help himself.

“Or an _insider_ , in your case.”

“Shut your mouth, Dun.” A flush of red filled Brendon’s face. “ _Anyway_ ,” he continued pointedly. “A guy said you bailed on class before it even started, said you looked like you had to hurl. You doing okay?” He forked a piece of cantaloupe in his mouth.

Josh stole a grape from his plate. “Yeah, just freaked out for a second.”

“Okay, man. I’m here if you gotta talk.” Josh smiled, and they exchanged a fist bump as Dallon and Hayley joined their table with their respective lunches.

“Do you ever even eat?” Hayley said, feeding Josh another grape. Dallon wrapped an arm around Brendon’s waist.

“Who’s this mystery friend of yours?” Josh asked. He leaned forward on his elbows and gave Dallon an accusatory look. Dallon scrunched his eyebrows together.

“You guys aren’t the _only people_ that I know,” he scoffed. “It was a kid I went to middle school with. We don’t talk very often, but he’s a chill guy. Just moved back from out of town last week.”

“So he’s a _he_.” Hayley said pointedly, looking for Brendon to react. He shrugged. The girl returned to her food instead.

“Who is this guy? Maybe we need to induct him into the group.” Brendon laughed. Josh coughed into his hand, making a quick motion across his throat to Brendon. _No._

“Like I said, he just came back,” Dallon started anyway. “He’s friends with a couple guys I used to be pretty close with. I don’t know if he’s looking for a cult to join,” He laughed. “I could see if--”

“ _No_ , no, that’s alright Dal.” Josh laughed, trying to pass it off. “If he’s found his niche, we don’t wanna pull him out.” Josh didn’t know who he was talking about, but he didn’t care. Josh already had his perfect quota of friends filled. He wasn’t going to let it get messed up with hardly a month of the year left. Dallon shrugged and started to eat.

Josh glanced around for a moment before realizing both Pete _and_ Patrick were absent. He shook his head and decided it was okay to let up on the car thing for one afternoon. It was Friday. It’s not like he needed to be somewhere else. He plucked the scrap of paper from his pocket and uncrumpled it again, the penciled words almost completely smudged away.

 

_Long time no see_

 

The blue-haired boy sighed, flattening it out. He pulled a notebook from his bag and neatly pressed it between two pages, hoping to preserve it from further damage.

 

Josh walked himself home. He told Pete he wasn't really down for camping, and while the guy wasn't too jazzed, he let it slide. Pete warned him there would be no one around for him to nag at while they were gone. Josh was fine with that.

He took his hat off and ran his fingers through his hair in a weak attempt to comb it out. It was a soft, faded blue and his roots were getting a little too long. He decided he should probably dye it again before the school year is out.

When he got home, he dove into his room, setting everything down and taking off his shoes before face planting into his head. He frowned into his pillow, wondering if he tried to sleep right now would be worth it. He was only able to ponder it for a few minutes before he thought about texting Patrick. If Josh really thought about it, he would end up convincing himself that Patrick wasn't  _actually_ interested in hearing about his panic attack earlier, so he let it drop. He put his phone on his nightstand next to his hat and tried to actually get a nap in. His brother wasn't having it, though.  
  
"Josh, someone's here for you!" He heard his brother call from downstairs. Josh groaned, slightly confused and a little irritated. He told Pete he didn't want to go camping, he didn't understand why the guy had to come to his house to try and persuade him. He slapped his hat back on his head and trotted down the stairs.

When he opened the door, no one was there.

 

“Are you sure, J?” He called back, closing the door.

“Yes, I'm sure! He's in the living room!” H _e let them in?_ Josh felt a roll of thunder in his head. He didn't really _mind_ it when people were over, it was just that it couldn't have possibly been one of his friends. All of them were gone and Debby was at work. 

“Long time no see,” he heard as he swung into the living room. He choked on whatever saliva was in his mouth. “I saw that I scared you earlier, and,”

“What the _hell_ ,” Josh whispered, effectively cutting of Tyler. The boy stiffened from where he sat on the sofa, perched on the edge delicately. Josh stood still in the entryway. All the blood in his body was in his ears. They were pounding almost painfully.

Tyler looked _great_ . He was actually decently filled out. He had a sharp jawline and arms defined down to the knuckle. His legs were still skinny and so was his overall look, but it worked for him. As his eyes lingered around the edges of Tyler's tank top, Josh could see the start of something _black_ on his _chest_. His heart stuttered.

He looked at Tyler's face again, his body actually stiffening as he recognized Tyler eating him up in a similar fashion. Tyler's eyes were so deep and whole and it looked everything like the last time Josh saw him. They looked as if a second hadn't passed since 7th grade.

“Ty,” he breathed out. Tyler flinched, his hands jerking away from his knees. Josh noticed his nails were painted as he stood up.

“You're… Probably really mad, and that's okay, but can we talk?” Tyler's voice filled the room, filled Josh’s ears, and he could feel himself ready to have a stroke. “Josh?”

“Don't do that,” he winced. “We're… You're too much, man. It's been _so long._ ” Josh’s arm moved to rub his forehead, his cap lifting a little.

“Your hair’s blue.” Tyler said. His voice was useless. His fingers were pulling at his wrist, watching Josh from across the room with nervous eyes. “It's okay if you want to kick me out.” He said after a while. Josh was still frozen.

“We...let me kick Jordan out, really quick.” Josh turned on his heel and dashed from the living room, leaving Tyler to himself.

Watery relief swept over the brown-eyed boy. He was so sure that Josh would want nothing to do with him, but seeing his somewhat positive reaction gave him a little hope. He refused to look around. He didn't want to overload himself with everything he'd missed, and he knew he would if he looked at a single picture on the wall.

“C’mon,” Josh was suddenly back, waving for Tyler to follow him. Josh walked up the stairs and hung a right to his room, leaving the door open for Tyler to come in. “So. Why're you here?”

Tyler blinked. “I needed to… See you, I guess. I felt like you deserved to see me, too.”

“And you wanted to set it up by leaving my friends and I weird notes?” He grabbed the slip of paper from his desk where Jordan left it, holding it up to Tyler. His eyes widened, adam’s apple bobbing in his throat. “What’s your problem? Feel bad about it now?” Josh sneered at him, getting angrier at Tyler stood still. Josh usually couldn’t handle confrontation, and he remembered that Tyler didn’t do so wellwith it either, but something felt different. Josh slid past it. “Do you have a problem, Joseph?”

“How long have you had that?” Tyler asked him at the same time, pain clawing its way through his chest. He realized he may have just set himself up. Josh tilted his head.

“Are you serious?”  
  
“Where did you get that?” Tyler’s voice was a little more urgent now. Josh narrowed his eyes. “Josh, _where_ \--”

“You dropped it on my desk this morning?”

“Yeah, four years ago.” Tyler’s voice was high with disbelief. He reached out to grab it from Josh, who jerked his arm away.

“No, you put it on my desk this morning in history.”

“No, I didn’t? Josh?”

“Can you _stop_ saying my name, _Tyler_ ?” He froze, something clicking in his eyes. Josh exhaled sharply. “Are you even _here_ right now?”

“Just. Stop for a second.” Tyler held up his hand. Josh scoffed. “We’re… I’m going to try this again.” He held out his hand.

“What?”

“I’m Tyler,” he said. “Tyler Joseph. I’m 17, just moved to town, and don’t know very many people.” Josh reached out slowly and shook Tyler’s.

“I’m Josh,” he said warily. “Josh Dun. I’m also 17, been here my whole life, and stay _away_ from very many people.”

“It’s nice to meet you.”

“What are you doing?” Josh wasn't going to let Tyler pass this off. 

“ _Please,_ Josh. Just work with me.”

“No, Ty. What happened to you?” He snapped and grabbed Tyler’s wrist so that he couldn’t move away. “You fuckin’ walk out and come back like nothing happened? Where did you go?” Tyler swallowed again. He shifted his gaze from Josh’s, looking at his shoes.

“We’re not quite there yet.”

“The hell we aren’t.” Josh yanked on Tyler’s arm and grabbed him by the shoulders. “I know you like the back of my hand, you _fuck_ ,” the blue-haired boy hissed. Tyler’s expression was empty. “You call me up one night and just tell me you’re _sorry_ about something you refuse to tell me about, and then just drop off the face of the planet? What happened? Where did you get these tattoos?” He knuckled Tyler’s chest. “I’m not gonna--”

The other boy’s hands were suddenly holding Josh’s face firmly in place.

“I don’t owe you--”

“The fuck you don’t!” he yelled, shoving Tyler away. “You’re gonna stand there and tell me you don’t owe me something, after fucking abandoning me right after we--”

“ _Stop,_ stop.” Tyler’s hands were out in front of him, shaking slightly.

“Fuck you, Tyler.” Suddenly, Josh was swinging.

“Will you _calm down_?!” Tyler yelled, catching Josh’s fist like it was his job. “Christ, I’m trying to have a conversation with you and you won’t even--”

“You _left!_ ” Josh yelled back. “You fucking _left_ , Ty! You can’t--”

“You’re acting like we got divorced!”

“We kind of did!” The air held still. Tyler exhaled slowly, his eyes narrowing at Josh’s comment. He pursed his lips and stood up straight.

“Look, we can talk about this later.” He stepped backwards toward the door. “I wanted to come here and see if you were even okay with talking to me, because I _missed_ you,” He was hissing. Josh’s entire demeanor deflated at his words, but he hoped it wasn’t visible as Tyler kept moving back. “But if you’re too mad to even try and be civil, that’s fine. You’ll know where to find me when you calm down.” He didn’t Josh had no idea what he was talking about.   
  
Tyler walked back out his bedroom door, disappearing completely. Josh sat on his bed, eyes still wide. He grabbed out his phone.

Debby’s phone buzzed, and she pulled it from her pocket as she moved to the breakroom.

 

**Jishwa (3:49pm):**

_I’m so confused_

_I think I just fucked up big time._

 

Josh leaned back on her bed and pressed his palms to his eyes, waiting for Debby’s reply patiently.

 

**Lady Luck (3:53pm):**

_What happened, Joshie_ _  
_

_  
_ **Jishwa (3:53pm):**

_Ty was here._

 

 


	4. IV

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> alternatively, "yikes"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> almost 10k words in and we're learning what happened (well, josh's side at least). please continue to let me know what you think!!
> 
> <3

Debby sat up from her chair in the breakroom, breaking into a sweat.

 

**Lady Luck (3:56pm):**

_Um, what_

 

**Jishwa (4:00pm):**

_he came over for some reason. i didnt know he remembered where i live. idk. i got really mad and he got really mad and left. he said he actually gave me the note a long time ago. i don’t know what’s going on, and im kinda freaking out_

  
  
**Lady Luck (4:02pm):**

_Okay, Josh_

_You have to go find him and apologize_

_Please trust me._

 

Josh squinted at the screen. He paused for a moment to read each word individually, as thoughtfully as he could. He typed slowly.

 

**Jishwa (4:08pm):**

_Do you know something that i dont ?_ _  
_

_  
_ **Lady Luck (4:09pm):**

_U & I need to talk about a couple things. just please go find ty and apologize for now. i’ll call you tomorrow. _

 

Josh threw his phone to the side and groaned at the ceiling. How was he supposed to know where to find him? Tyler said he’d know, Debby seemed to think he’d know. He dialed her number and she picked up almost immediately.

“I’m at work, this--”

“What’s going on, Debby?” He could hear her sigh. She smacked her lips before replying, the noise cracking over the receiver.

“Patrick told me that Pete gets pedicures three times a week. I think we need to host an intervention.”

“Christ. Do we need to shave off his toes?”

“I think that’s our only option.” Debby’s tone was supposed to be grave, but Josh could hear her laughing underneath of it.

“Anything else you need to report?”

“Yes, Agent.” She was still trying not to laugh. “Your roots are showing.”

“Fuck you.” He smiled through the phone.

“Not in my job description.”

“Anything else you’d like to tell me?” He was trying to push her towards Tyler, but she was too swift.

“If you nee--”

“Need anything, you’re there.” He finished for her, smiling. Sometimes, Josh felt bad that his friends offered him all the support in the world and he couldn’t offer it back. He had enough surging through his veins at any given moment, he couldn’t handle the thought of having someone else’s business inside him, too. Or… Not anymore, Josh guessed.

“No,” Debby said, pulling Josh from his thoughts. He frowned.

"If you need help _dyeing your hair,_ weirdo, I put Hayley on your speed dial.”

“What the hell, Ryan.”

“Love you. I’m at work. We’ll talk tomorrow.”

He pulled his phone from his face as she hung up on him. Thinking about the absolutely useless phone call, Josh decided to go through who was _actually_ on his speed dial out of curiosity. When he saw #8, an idea struck him and he dialed quickly. He put it on speaker so he could rest his phone on his chest and lean back on his bed.

“Hey, Josh! We haven’t talked in awhile!” She chirped happily.

“Hey, Ashley. Can we meet up? I need to ask you something.”

A little over a half hour later, Josh sat with his coffee a little coffee joint near Ashley’s neighborhood. He sipped it and winced bitterly as the coffee scalded his throat. He opened his eyes to see Ashley coming in with her hair chopped off and bleach blonde, and Josh couldn’t help but think it was perfect for her freckled face.

“Hey, Joshie,” She said, sitting across from him at the table with her own mug.

“Hey, Ashley. Been a little while.” He tried to laugh it off, and she chuckled politely.

“What inspired you to come and meet me?” She asked, fingernails tapping the ceramic.

“Do you...Okay,” He took a deep breath. Might as well get straight to the point. “Remember Tyler Joseph?” She pursed her lips into a tight line.

“What about him?” She asked lightly, feigning casualty. Josh got the vibe that she knew something he didn’t.

“Long story short, he’s back, and I’m looking for him. Do you know where he could be, if he’s around town?”

Ashley looked at him for a long time, calculating an answer. Josh laced his fingers together and put them in front of his mouth, trying to hide the skin he was biting from his chapped lips. Eventually she coughed into her elbow and looked at her coffee before answering.

“I’m pretty sure he’s a stripper, now.” She said it so casually that Josh almost believed her for a second.

“W-what?” He sputtered. He knew she was kidding, but his mouth reacted before his mind could.

“Josh, oh my god.” She raised an eyebrow, a sneer on her lips. “He’s… Actually staying with me.” She said it quickly, raising her mug to her lips and taking a prolonged drink.

“He’s _what_? Is he there right now?”

“Oh! No, no. He left a little while ago, he should be back by tonight though, if you want…” She trailed off as her eyes drifting somewhere over Josh’s head.

“Ashley?”

“Josh, can I ask you something?”

“What's up?”

“Okay, look. You don't have to tell me, but I know that something _happened_ , and when Tyler moved in a couple weeks ago he… He asked me to make sure that I didn't invite anyone over, because he's trying to keep some things out of the public eye, I guess. I haven't even had Melanie over or anything. It would help me out a lot to understand everything so that I can decide if I should actually let you in, I guess? Does that make sense?” Her voice was very small and nervous. Josh blinked. His ears started to ring in the silence of the shop, and he coughed to break it up. He wasn’t sure if unloading everything on Ashley would be a mistake, but somewhere in his stomach he knew it was the right thing to do.

“Okay.” He breathed, gesturing out the door. She quickly finished off her coffee before returning the mug. They left without words. Josh led her to the park down the street so they could walk and talk.

“Tyler and I used to be really close, and you knew that. All of us were really good friends, you, me, Ty, Debby, even Mel to a degree. That's one of the reasons I called you, because I felt like you would know something.

“Anyway, Ty and I have known each other since preschool. Both of us had lived here our whole lives, and he told me he liked my smile on the very first day, and I was hooked. We were best friends from then on out. We were so close it was like we were the same person.

“Both of us had other friends that we were pretty close to, yeah, sure, but it was nothing like what we had with each other. When fourth grade rolled around, I realized that I might have feelings for the guy?” He stopped, waiting for his friend’s reaction. She nodded along patiently as they walked through the park.

“I don't know. It was a really big moment for me because I didn't know anything about sexuality, or being gay, or anything. It freaked me out and we had a rough spot because of it. I never told my parents that I'm like this and none of my friends know, either. I mean, you do and Debby and Jenna do, but that's _it_. I only told them because it was important to circumstance,” He shuddered, blotting an irrelevant memory from his mine. “Just like it is right now. Anyway, we reconnected pretty easily once I decided that I really needed to get over it, because there was no way for me to tell how Tyler felt.

“A couple years went by. We were so close at one point, we joked about being buried in the same plot and stuff. When we started going to middle school, I still wasn't over him and I figured that if I was four years chin deep in a crush, it had to mean something? We started getting really close to you guys. Remember?” She nodded again, eyes getting narrower as he spoke.

“Fuck. I was in so deep. Too deep. It was hopeless and I knew it, people thought he and I were dating and the worst part was that _sometimes_ ,” Josh hissed, blinking away tears. “People would come and ask. And Tyler _didn't deny it_. I was fucked. God damnit. Thinking about it gets me worked up, hold on,” He tried to laugh, using the end of his sleeve to wipe tears from his eyes. He didn't look at Ashley, whose eyes were full of concern. She grabbed on to his wrist for support. He held on tightly.

“Okay, um.” He swallowed. “End of the year rolled around. You knew the gist of what went on. Did Ty ever tell you?” She shook her head. “Okay, well. I knew I had to tell him. I felt really bad continuing on with our friendship if he didn't know, and it came to a catalyst one night when he was at my house and we were talking about how awesome it would be to start a band. A real, professional one. We would get signed and play sold out arenas in Korea and New York. We shook on it and right then I just started crying and when he asked me what was wrong, I just told him. I said ‘hey man, I'm sorry, I'm in love with you, I have been for like 5 years and I felt horrible keeping it from you, I'm sorry.’ He consoled me and made me feel okay about it. I knew I couldn't ask him how he felt, I couldn't expect him to like me back, but he told me that he did. He told me he was really unsure of his feelings but he knew that _this_ , _that_ right there, _we_ felt right to him. He knew he didn't want to let it go, all that stuff. It was really emotional and gross and it was probably the greatest night of my 13-year-old life.

“We went to sleep cuddling for real. Other nights were like bro-cuddling if we got cold, but no, we were just. So close.” He stopped for a second to scrub at his eyes angrily, wiping his tears away with the back of this knuckles. Ashley wrapped an arm around him and lead him to a bench where he could catch his breath. “It was so nice. I'd never felt anything like it and I haven't since.

“I woke up--” He choked a sob into his hand. “I woke up at like 3:30 in the morning and Tyler was gone. All of his stuff was still at my house, but he wasn't anywhere I could find. I called him like 10 times but he never answered, and then he called me like an hour later and just kept telling me that he was sorry. He wouldn't answer any of my questions and eventually just hung up the phone, and then he was gone. He never came back to school. It fucking _ruined me,_ I thought _I_ was the one who did something wrong and I was already so confused about everything else that I started hurting myself.” He held up a hand, pausing her opening mouth. “Please, let me finish.

“It didn't last very long because my mom found out and I was in therapy for the majority of summer, and then one day I came home from an appointment and Jordan was waiting for us in the driveway with my dad. Both of them were crying. My sisters weren't allowed to come outside even though they wanted to know what was going on, and when Jordan saw me he just started crying really hard and told me that the Josephs left town unexpectedly and he didn't have Jay and Zack to play with anymore, and when I looked to my dad he gave me a weird look.

“He told me privately later that Tyler,” Josh made a gross sobbing noise into his palm, and Ashley pulled him into a hug. “Tyler tried to fucking, he tried to come out to his parents. His his dad was so mad at him and beat him and then he fucking _ran away_. That was _the same night_. He _fucking left_.” Josh was sobbing into her shoulder.

“I could have _helped_ him in any way he needed me but he was just _gone_. I didn't know what to do. It was horrible and then when I was at the end of eighth grade, my mom picked me up from school in the middle of the day and told me that Tyler tried to come home but his dad wasn't having it, and he--” Josh gasped as he realized where the note came from, pulling away. “He left a note on my desk,” He was yelling, standing up and backing into a tree with his hands on his forehead. “It said ‘ _long time no see’_ , but he was already gone and I thought for sure that time he was dead.” His back rolled down the tree until he was sitting at the base of it with his knees pulled up to his chest. Ashley came next to him, silent tears streaming down her face.

“He was _dead!_ ” Josh was yelling into his knees. Ashley pulled him to her, rocking him back and forth and shushing him until his breathing evened out. She pulled back to look at him.

“I didn't know there was so much history there,” She whispered, her voice damp and forlorn. “I didn't know anything. I'm so sorry, Josh. I wish I could have been there.”

“No, it's really okay,” Josh whispered, wiping her eyes. “I kind of pushed you away. It wasn't fair.”

“You… Need to see Tyler.” She determined after a moment, helping him to his feet. “Do you want to go now? He might be home later tonight.” Josh nodded automatically. He wasn’t sure if he actually _did_ want to see Tyler, but thinking about it gave him the same feeling that it did when he thought about giving Ashley all his baggage. He knew he had to.

 


	5. V

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok this one's super long i'm so sorry
> 
> on the upside though, now that this chapter is here & (most of) everything's out in the open... we can get moving with the story. i'm so excited that you guys are loving this, it means so much to me. if u ever wanna chat, my tumblr is @heathnss :)

Ashley coughed into her elbow as they approached her house.

“Look,” she said. “I… Don’t know Tyler’s side of things. You don’t either, you got second-hand information. He’s kind of in a weird place, he doesn’t like to talk about it very much. Just try and be casual, and… Let me know if you need anything while you’re here. It’s just me and Ty.”

“What about your parents?”

“They bought me this place a couple years ago. We just disagreed on a lot of things, and this arrangement just made sense. It sounds weird, but I get along really well with my parents now.” She chuckled. They walked up her driveway and through the porch. A little plaque on the door read “HALSEY.”

Josh seated himself on the couch in the living room and thought about what meeting up with Ashley today meant for him. He heard the thunder in his ears again at the implications. He wasn’t sure if he would have to let her into his carefully constructed group of friends, because even though he loved Ashley, they lived in completely different circles and Josh preferred it to stay that way.

“I just called him,” Ashley said, walking back into the front room. “I just asked him what he wanted to do for food tonight. He doesn’t know you’re here. He should be here in like, a half hour though, so get comfy. I’m gonna be in my room, just start screaming if you need intervention.” She said it with a light tone. Josh understood what she meant.

Josh’s stomach had effectively turned inside out by the time Tyler had come home, his emotions still foreword in his mind and anxiety wreaking havoc on his body. Tyler waltz right past him with a bag of groceries, throwing his keys in a dish and not even noticing the blue-haired boy on his sofa. Josh swallowed harshly as Tyler walked right by him, preparing himself for another confrontation.

He heard the taller boy unpack the groceries into the fridge and cabinets, calling out to Ashley (he called her “Halls”) that they were stocked up for the next couple days, and that he was going to his room. Josh heard Ashley move around in her room, a loud thud vibrating the floor of the house.

“Actually,” She called out through the door, her voice muffled. He heard her door swing open. “There’s a package for you in the living room, my dude.” Her voice was a little breathless. He heard Tyler hum, and Josh stood up. He crossed his arms over his stomach and waited for Tyler to come back in.

Tyler stopped dead when he saw Josh, a flush of ruby red coloring his cheeks and his hands balling in his fists at his sides.. Tyler was extremely tempted to just go to this room and have Josh see himself out.

“Hey, Ty,” Josh winced when Tyler’s knuckles whitened at the nickname. The blue-haired boy swallowed. “L-l--” He rubbed his neck. “...Long time no see.”

“Is it really?” Tyler’s voice was small. He sounded like he was going to burst into tears, and Josh melted.

“Yeah.” Josh was suddenly blinking away his own tears. He wish he hadn’t told Ashley about what happened, otherwise he wouldn’t be so worked up right now. It didn’t look like it mattered, because Tyler was too. “Can we talk?”

“Are you gonna yell at me again?”

“No, no. C’mon.” He sat down on the sofa, patting the spot next to him. Tyler sat on the cushion lightly. “I’m sorry for freaking out earlier. It’s just a lot of stuff I haven’t dealt with.” Tyler shrugged.

“It’s… Fine.”

“Can we talk about it, though?”

“No.” Tyler’s response came a little too fast, a little too sharp. Josh flinched.

“That’s alright,” Josh replied. "Maybe another time." He slouched down a little bit on the couch and "accidentally" brushed his knee with Tyler's.

“I’m… Sorry for bailing, though.” Tyler choked on his own words, voice still quiet. Neither of them said anything as they stared at each other, eons passing as they drank in the eye contact.

“I think,” Josh said, but Tyler held up a hand.

“I’m sorry, can I just,” Tyler was suddenly leaning forward, wrapping his arms around Josh in the tightest hug he’d had since 7th grade. Josh leaned into it gratefully, his arms catching Tyler in a similar fashion. He heard Tyler murmur a small “Fuck.” Josh held his head carefully on his friend’s shoulder, sighing deeply as Tyler buried his head in his neck.

The contact didn’t last very long before Tyler was pulling back, looking at Josh with water-stained cheeks. He wiped his cheeks with his shirt. He didn’t move his knees away.

The blue-haired boy sat still for a moment, swallowing Tyler whole with his eyes. He hadn’t seen this face in so long. When Josh reflected on it, he couldn’t tell if what he did next was because he _wanted_ to do it, or because some force of nature wanted him to make amends right then and there. Josh pursed his lips and held out a tremoring hand. It took Tyler a moment, but he saw it and grabbed it to shake.

“Hi,” He said quietly as they shook hands. “I’m Josh Dun. You are?” Tyler’s face grew warmer.

“I’m Tyler Joseph,” He said. “I’m new around here. Nice to see a friendly face, though.” Josh snorted, slapping him on the shoulder lightly. Tyler laughed, shoving Josh backward on the couch. Just like that, no time had past at all. Josh sat back up and grabbed Tyler around his back with a grunt, locking his head under his arm as he gave him a rough noogie. Tyler screeched, slapping Josh’s arm and kicking his calf to try and get away. He yanked his head free and grunted out a “fuck you” before nabbing Josh’s phone straight out of his pocket and darting away from the couch.

Josh made a noise of irritation and chased after Tyler. He followed him through the kitchen and out into the backyard, where he found Tyler with his arm thrown back threateningly, like he was going to throw Josh’s phone over the fence, and for a second, Josh felt like he was in middle school again.

He’s pretty sure this exact scenario played out almost five years ago as he leaped towards Tyler and pinned him into the grass, his friend shrieking and trying to wiggle out from under him as Josh pulled him backward into a proper headlock.

“Yo!” Ashley called out. Josh suddenly remember what she said about screaming and released Tyler instantly, as if he was being caught by his mother. “Are you two okay?” Ashley was holding a tennis racket in her hand like she was ready to beat them with it.

“We’re fine, Christ, Ashley, put that thing away,” he laughed. “I should probably be heading out, though. I really appreciate that you let me come over.” He grabbed his phone from where it sat in the dewy grass, wiping it dry on his pants and helping Tyler up. Ashley pointed the racket at Josh menacingly.

“You better stay in your lane, boy.” She said. Tyler snorted loudly, covering up his mouth as he laughed into his palm. Ashley was smiling at him too. “It’s… An inside joke.” She looked to Josh. “Maybe you can be in on it someday, too.” The air dropped as she said that, pulling the boys out of their comfort zones. Neither of them showed it. Josh could feel tension growing in the air and faked a cough into his fist.

“Alright, I’m outie,” He said, excusing himself past Ashley. He waved at both her and Tyler before seeing himself out the front door.

* * *

 

 

When he got home, he wolfed down dinner and said goodnight to his mom. When he checked his phone he had seven new messages.

 

**Breadbin (5:26pm):**

_Hope you have a good weekend, man. We’re gonna miss ur gay ass out here_

_Not like. you know. /gay/ ass._

_gay as in happy._

 

Josh sighed and narrowed his eyes. He wondered if somehow Brendon heard his conversation with Ashley, but tried to shove it from his mind as he opened up the next few inboxes. 

 

**Lady Luck (6:45pm):**

_i just got off work. i don’t know how you’re feeling, but whenever you wanna talk, it’s ok with me. call me when ur ready._

 

**PKLW (6:50pm):**

_this kid named andy out here is pretty into the drums too, he wanted me to tell you about some cool stuff and maybe you guys could swap digits. remind me on Mon._

 

**Unknown Number (7:33pm):**

_are we okay?_

_this is tyler. it was really good to see you, josh. let me know what you’re thinking._

  


Josh decided he wouldn’t reply to Debby until tomorrow. He saved Tyler in his phone as “String Bean” on a whim and texted him back.

 

**Dog Breath (8:06pm):**

_what’s my name in ur phone_

 

Tyler’s reply was immediate, making Josh’s heart skip a beat.

 

**String Bean (8:06pm):**

_dog breath_

 

Josh barked out a laugh.

 

**String Bean (8:06pm):**

_what’s my name in yours_

 

The blue-haired boy stopped for a moment, still humming with laughter as he read the next message. He thought about it for a moment and debated on whether or not he should _really_ play that game. In the 7th grade, he an Tyler made up weird nicknames for reach other all the time (Dog Breath, Jishwa/Jish, Spooky Jim for Josh, and Baby Boy, Tyjo, and there was another that Josh couldn't remember for Tyler). He tapped his chin.

He went to Tyler’s contact settings and changed the name, screenshotting it and sending the picture instead of an actual reply like they used to do with notes sometimes.

 

**Dog Breath (8:11pm) (+1 attachment):**

 

Somewhere in a neighborhood two miles away a boy with unruly hair and pink socks went into cardiac arrest. He put his phone down and smiled into his palm as he read the contact name "Baby Boy" next to his phone number.

 

**Baby Boy (8:12pm):**

_i hate u :’)_

_can u come over tomorrow? i wanna talk to u_

_noon okay?_

 

**Dog Breath (8:17pm)**

_noons ok. see you then_

* * *

 

 

Josh hauled himself out of bed. He turned off his lamp and grabbed his dad's keys off the rack -- there's no way he could _walk_ to Ashley's in less than 15 minutes. He ran back into the kitchen and kissed his mom goodbye, telling her he'd be back by dinner and bolted into the garage.

He jumped in the little Buick and pulled out of the garage, skidding out of the neighborhood like it was killing him. He arrived at Ashley’s at 11:54. As he turned off the car, he sat for a moment and wondered if Tyler wanted him at the door exactly at _noon_ , but he figured it was such. He stuffed the keys in his pocket and cranked the seat to lean back. He pulled his phone out and unlocked the screen to text Tyler when a pair of hands slapped the glass next to his head and scared the _hell_ out of Josh.

He floundered for his phone that flew in between the seats as he looked for whoever scared him, and to no one’s surprise, Tyler was bent over, wheezing with laughter. Josh whipped open the car door and sprung out after his friend.

“Are you tryn’a start something, Joseph?” He yelled as he grabbed Tyler around his neck, forcing him into a similar headlock from the day before. Tyler was still wheezing, using one arm to try and get away from Josh and the other to wipe his eyes.

“Y-ou fuckin’,” He couldn’t get the words out. “You sh-should have seen your fuckin-ng fa-ace,” Tyler kicked Josh in the shin to get away. “You l-looked like a saw a gh-host!”

“What’d you do that for?” Josh fumbled back over to his car to grab his phone and shut the door.

“To, to freak you out!” Tyler was still laughing, pointing at Josh weakly and putting one hand on his knee for support.

“I’m gonna fuckin’--” Josh started to run after him, but Tyler was moving backwards just as fast.

“Wait, wait, hold on, I called you over h-here for a reason.” The lanky boy grabbed his friend by the shoulders to keep him at bay. “Ashley told me about what you told her, and--”

“She _what_?”

“Dude, she has like, the biggest mouth in the Midwest. I told her to keep it under wraps, she agreed, we pinky swore. You’ll be okay.” That seemed to satiate his friend. “Anyway, I felt like you should… You should get both sides of the story, because it sounds like you’re missing _a lot_.”

“Whose fault is that?” Josh’s teeth were gritted.

“Okay, I’m not gonna talk to you about this if you’re going to be pissy.” Tyler folded his arms over his chest and waited for Josh to properly collect himself before leading him inside. Tyler sat his friend on the couch and went into the kitchen, bringing Josh out a mug full of something steaming and himself something similar. The boy was careful not to sit to close to his blue-haired friend. Josh passed it off as nothing.

“Be patient with me,” Tyler started, rubbing his thighs. “I don’t talk about this very much and… Well, frankly it’s just painful.” Josh nodded. Tyler didn’t meet his eyes.

“When I… Okay. When I was in the 5th grade I saw you come in with a Walkman attached to your bag and I _knew_ they were gonna confiscate it, so I told you to go hide it in my cubby. Do you remember? You told me that you didn’t want me to get in trouble and kept the thing, and then I just took it from you and hid it anyway?” Josh nodded along with him.

“You got in trouble, and your mom wasn’t mad because she knew the Walkman was mine and that’s why you said it didn’t matter.” Josh whispered.

“Yep. When that happened, and I saw how upset you were over something that didn’t even _happen to you_ , especially over a silly little music player? I got a weird feeling in my chest. It scared me for like a solid 24 hours and then I realized that I kind of _liked_ that feeling. Took me almost a year to realize it, but I definitely had a crush on you.” Tyler’s voice dropped a little, like he was scared for Josh to hear him.

“And… Yeah. I was in deep by the time 7th grade rolled around, and people asked if we were dating and… Yeah. To some degree, we were, I think? I mean, I know we were only in se--”

“Yeah, Ty, I know.” Josh smiled at him. Tyler swallowed harshly as Josh reached out to gerip his fingers.

“Okay, yeah. Um. I didn’t know how you were feeling and I didn’t really want to process how I felt about you, but then you came to me that one night we were dedicating ourselves to that whole ‘starting a band’ thing and confessed how you were feeling… I kind of realized I felt the same way, right then, and I knew I had to tell you. So I did.

“You know what happened there. We were comfy for about three whole hours, but I couldn’t get it out of my head that I was _lying_ to someone. Not you, not you,” Tyler said, gauging Josh’s reaction as the blue-haired boy tried to pull away. “It definitely wasn’t you. I just felt horrible. I didn’t want you to think it was because of you, so I left. It was the wrong thing to do and I _knew it_. On my way home I started crying a lot because something was bursting inside of me. I couldn’t handle it. When I got home I woke up my mom because I didn’t know what else to do, and I told her that--” Tyler’s breath hitched. He cocked his head to the side to press his nose into his shoulder, his eyes closed tightly.

“I told her that I thought I was gay. I didn’t really know what to do. I was scared and I needed help, and I was telling her all of that when my dad came into the living room and heard _all of it_. As I was telling my mom I could see that she wasn’t very happy about it, but I knew she would be as supportive as she could -- but my _dad_. The look on my dad’s face could have killed a man. He told me that I was going to hell, and that being gay was sinful, all that good stuff. He, um.” Tyler pulled his hand out of Josh’s to hide his face in his hands for a moment, before pulling them away and sighing deeply. He stared at the wall. “Jesus, okay, just. He…”

“If this is too hard for you--”

“It, just. He.” Tyler swallowed again and waved Josh off. Josh noticed right then how badly Tyler was shaking as he spoke. “He fucking-- He punched me, square in the jaw. It was like a perfect MMA hit. They would have put that shit in slow-motion for the audience to see about thirteen times before continuing on with the match because they had to make sure the dude was okay. My shoulder hit the wall and I knew it was gonna bruise, and then he hit me again, and _again,_ and _again_ , and--” He broke off, coughing. “Eventually my mom was able to yank him off for a second. I ran out and pulled out my phone to call you, and I saw that you called me a bunch of times? You… You know what happened there. I called you back and the only thing I could te--”

“--Tell me that you were sorry.” Josh finished for him. Tyler nodded jerkily.

“I hung up on you because I knew that wasn’t what you wanted to hear. And then… Well. Long story short, I went to Cincinnati, threw my phone in the Ohio River, and stayed with this guy named Nick for almost a year. Nick was trying to start a band, too, and we learned a lot from each other. Eventually I said hey, I have to go back to Columbus, and he got his friend Kevin to drive me _all the way back here_. I feel like I still owe him for that.” Tyler pulled his knees to his chest and rested his elbows on them, running his fingers through his hair. Josh scooted closer.

“Yeah, um. Anyway. Got back to Columbus and actually wanted to go back home, but actually doing it didn’t seem real until I got back into my neighborhood and saw my house. Knew I couldn’t do it right then. It wasn’t happening. I walked away.”

“That’s it?”

“Yeah. My parents still don’t know that I’m back here, actually. None of my siblings do either.”

“What happened after that?”

“Well, you know. I went to your house. Your mom was there and she was really excited to see me, and she told me she was going to pick you up immediately. She figured you would really want to see me, but… I was sitting in your room and looking at all these things from the year I missed, and it kind of hit me that maybe you didn’t want to see me. I know I wou--”

“Tyler, what the fuck?” Josh grabbed his arm and forced the other boy to look at him. Josh’s breath halted in his throat when he saw all the tears collecting on Tyler’s eyelashes. “Why the hell wouldn’t I want to see you?”

" _Because_ ,” Tyler said, snatching his arm away. “I fucking left you, _abandoned_ you, on the very same night you told me you were in love with me.” Both of them froze. Tyler’s eyes were locked on Josh’s like a magnet. Neither of them breathed for a moment, like a horrible taboo had been released.

“Yeah…” The brown-haired boy eventually breathed. “I know that… I know _I_ wouldn’t have wanted to see me.”

“What else happened?” He was too sore to remember the next part.

“Okay, um. I went back to Cincinnati.”

“And?”

“Met up with Nick and Kevin. It… Yeah. Um.”

“Tyler, please just tell me.”

“I was depressed. Put myself in some bad places. Got really hurt, hurt myself worse.” Tyler’s worse were choppy, and Josh could tell he didn’t want to talk about it anymore. “Tried to off myself at one point. It was a long time coming. I don’t know. Do you want me to reheat your coffee?” Suddenly, he was up and grabbing their mugs, moving swiftly back into the kitchen.

“Wait, you _what_?” Josh was following him, swinging around the corner to find Tyler at the microwave.

“Tried to kill myself.” Tyler was mumbling.

“Can we talk about that? I feel like--”

“Didn’t have a whole lot to live for,” Tyler was still mumbling as he removed one mug and put in the other, thumbs jabbing at the buttons. “Lost everything. Family, friends, will to _live_ , I just… Tried.”

“Tyler, oh my god,” Josh pulled at his shoulder, forcing the other boy to look at him. Josh blinked, surprised that he had to look _up_ to Tyler just slightly. “You… What happened?”

“Can we just… Pretend like you knew that already? Like all this happened a long time ago? Revisiting it isn’t exactly something I’m fond of.”

“Jesus, dude, of course,” Josh pulled Tyler into a hug. He wasn’t done asking questions, but as the microwave beeped, he knew that was going to be the end of it.


	6. VI

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here's some filler, a little fluff, and foreshadowing. a little shorter, but we're getting places!!
> 
> i will never ever get tired of reading your comments, they make me so happy. please keep talking to me lmao

The afternoon passed languidly. The two boys watched old reruns of _Friends_ and sipped their coffees, eventually going through the fridge’s supply of Gatorade and two pizzas. They didn’t talk much (neither of them felt like they needed to) outside of “hey, what are you in the mood for”. They were comfortable.

Josh spent the majority of it whirling back and forth between “I’m sitting on a couch with a guy I haven’t seen in 5 years”, “This guy tried to kill himself and I wasn’t there to help him”, and “How do I get him to be more comfortable around me, we’re on opposite ends of the couch and I just want to hug him”. Eventually, he yawned and slung his legs up on the couch to settle next to Tyler’s criss-crossed legs, and the other boy smiled at him without looking. He reached out and dragged his finger up the middle of Josh’s foot, earning a squeal and a kick from the other boy. Tyler laughed and batted at his foot, kicking out his own legs to lie next to Josh’s.

It wasn’t exactly the kind of contact Josh was looking for, but it worked for him nonetheless. He put his arms behind his head and leaned back into the arm of the couch.

“You two made up, I suppose?” Ashley said, coming in through the front door with a paper bag in her hand.

“Were we fighting?” Tyler asked. Ashley raised an eyebrow and shrugged.

“Sure seemed like it.” She walked past them, fishing through the bag and grabbing out a pack of cigarettes before throwing the rest of it to Tyler. He opened it curiously and gingerly withdrew a Red Bull.

“How did you even know that I liked these?”

“I go into your room sometimes.”

“What the fuck?”

Josh raised his eyebrows. He couldn't tell if Tyler was mad or not and begin to withdraw his feet. Tyler snatched them back, holding them in place. “You're good,” he said, pointing a finger to him and then Ashley. " _You_ are not.” Ashley grunted and continued back through the kitchen. Tyler eyed her general direction as he popped the cap and took a long drink from it.

“You still like those?” Josh whispered, catching Tyler’s attention. The other boy scrunched his eyebrows together, a smile on his lips.

“Are you serious? ‘Course I do.” He nestled the drink between his legs and dragged his finger up Josh’s foot again. Josh shrieked, kicking Tyler in the ribs. Tyler held his foot in place, wiggling his fingers as Josh tried to jerk away, but his phone started ringing, the noise startling them both. Josh took it as an opportunity to dive off the couch and scoot away from Tyler as he swiped the screen.

“Hello?”

“Hey, Josh.” Brendon said.

“Oh, hey man. What’s up? Aren’t you out camping with the others?” Josh scooted backward as Tyler set his Red Bull on the bookshelf, getting down on his knees to Josh’s level.

“We actually only stayed for a night. Can’t have our little Joshie miss us too much.” He heard laughter from the rest of car, and Josh realized he was on the bluetooth speaker so everyone could hear him.

“Actually, I’ve got some decent company.” He said, backing against the wall as Tyler inched towards him threateningly.

All at once, “You have other friends?” From Dallon, “Your right hand?” From Pete, and “Ooh, who?” From Patrick. Josh laughed and kicked out his foot to keep Tyler at bay, immediately realizing that’s what Tyler _wanted_ and tried to retract it, but not before Tyler grabbed him by the ankle and yanked him forward from the wall so that Josh was flat on his back.

“Tyler, _do not!_ ”

“Who’s Tyler?” Brendon asked, but Josh was preoccupied with trying to shove his gangly (and surprisingly strong, holy fuck) friend away from him.

“A secret lover?” Pete asked loudly. Tyler snorted, apparently able to hear the call, covering his face with his elbow and giving Josh the opportunity to push him down by the shoulders and sit on his stomach. “Was that a yes?”

“Oh my god. I’m gonna call you back.” Josh shoved his phone away with his foot and turned to look down at Tyler. “Dude, holy shit.” Tyler was waggling his eyebrows for some reason. Josh couldn’t figure it out until he was suddenly flat on his back as Tyler straddled his lap, holding his fingers out like the fucking plague.

“Made a mistake, have we?” Tyler smiled menacingly, slowly lowering his fingers to Josh’s sides as the boy struggled beneath him.

“Oh my god, I will fucking kill you, do not-- Do _not!_ ” Josh was yelling as he tried to cram his friend away from him.

“Okay, okay, calm down,” Tyler was laughing. He rolled off of Josh and sat next him on the floor, watching his friend huff for air. Tyler leaned against the wall and crossed his arms loosely over his stomach. “You good?”

“I’m great.” Josh eventually said, flattening his palms against the ground and sitting up to face his friend. “Are you done terrorizing me?” Tyler just waggled his eyebrows again. Josh punched him lightly. “You better be.”

Later that evening, he had to take great care to make sure his friends knew that there wasn’t anything between him and this random kid they found out he was hanging out with. They weren’t offended, more just surprised that Josh had other friends. These guys also didn’t know Josh was gay, and while keeping it a secret wasn’t a huge deal, word about it around the entire town (especially to his parents, oh god) wasn’t an idea he was fond of.

 

* * *

 

Josh’s conversation with Debby went smoothly when she found out he and Tyler were on good terms. She let her own difficulties with the situation slide because, unlike Josh, she found ways to deal with those feelings a long time ago. While seeing him around did surge feelings from the both of them, it was able to pass easily as time move forward.

_Time as in, like, a week_ , Josh constantly reminded himself. It was just so _easy_ to fall into a rhythm with Tyler. Especially once the guy was finally convinced to come sit down at lunch with Josh’s group (it didn’t take very much convincing on anyone’s part. josh’s friends were just interested that _J_ _osh Dun_ , renowned for his exclusion of people that weren’t in this immediate group of friends, wanted to introduce someone to their table at lunch. as for Tyler, it really only took “look dude you know exactly three people in school right now & i have some cool friends. come sit with us before i make you”), things fell into an easy pattern. Of course, the people at the table (especially Pete for some reason) were really interested in Tyler’s tattoos and his history with Josh. While Tyler was glad to talk about his tattoos, he dodged questions about anything before April. They all got the gist within a couple days.

Josh also noticed that they were really exclusive of Tyler. They weren’t really into inviting him to hang around or including him in conversations, but Josh just decided to give it time. He figured it couldn’t be much of anything, and besides, Tyler never hung out with anyone outside of school unless it was at Ashley’s house, who was just happy to have people over again. She still wasn’t allowed to bring Melanie over for some reason. Josh never asked. He figured the whole arrangement with “you have to come over if you want to see me” was because Tyler was still petrified of seeing someone he knew, and/or someone he was close to, and/or someone who might know what happened to him all that time ago. Josh didn't blame him, and neither did Ashley, and that was all that mattered.

And then it was Sunday night again, and Josh told him mom that he was going to Debby’s house to plan a surprise party for Jenna -- not true at all. He spent the _whole day_ with Tyler talking and playing different video games, eating junk food (something neither of them had grown out of in the slightest, Josh noticed) and listening to music. Ashley mocked that they would get couch rot if they didn’t move around, and that they should switch places or something, but they didn’t.

“You guys are so weird. Josh is on the left, Tyler’s on the right. I get it, but like… Mix it up every once in awhile.” Tyler shrugged.

“There’s more than one way to do that.” Is all his friend would ever say. Josh never asked.

Tyler eventually started losing during Mario Kart, and while Josh wasn’t complaining, it concerned him.

“You good, dude?” He asked, eyes drifting from the screen for a moment. Tyler nodded. “You sure?”

“Well, hold on.” Tyler paused it, rolling off the couch and stretching out his limbs with a guttural groan. Josh coughed into his elbow.

“Good _now?_ ”

“I gotta move around for a minute, sorry.”

“You’re just scared of losing.”

“Bite me.” Tyler laughed and stood up, moving back towards the kitchen. Josh leapt up and followed, suddenly stricken with the idea to do just that. The boy swung himself around the corner to slide on his socks into the kitchen, but Josh pulled on his arm and forced him backward. Tyler turned his head in confusion, but Josh was already there. The blue-haired boy grabbed his friend's wrist and leaned in to bite him on the joint between his shoulder and arm. Tyler cried out and shoved Josh away before catching his eyes and darting after him. Josh gasped as Tyler suddenly pressed him against the wall, his eyes full of fire.

“You wanna play that game, do ya?” Tyler’s voice was light. Josh knew better as he put his hands on Tyler’s chest, ready to shove him away. Tyler quickly reached up to cup Josh’s cheek in one of his hands before leaning in to blow a raspberry on Josh’s other cheek, earning a squeal from the other boy.

" _What_ _are you_ \--!” Josh gasped. He shoved Tyler away as both of them were laughing. Tyler’s hand didn’t move from Josh’s cheek and Josh’s not from Tyler’s. The taller boy rested his forehead on his friend’s shoulder until their laughter passed and they pulled back to look at each other. Their smiles didn’t fade with proximity, which was weird for a moment (because it still was every other time). It passed when Josh leaned into Tyler’s hand, and suddenly, Josh's mind was spiralling.

Josh will never know why he leaned in to Tyler’s open hand, but he _did_ , and Tyler didn’t seem to mind. If anything, Tyler’s expression just got warmer. Josh will never know why he _smiled_ into Tyler’s palm, and he will never know why he made eye contact with Tyler in that moment, and he will _never. know. why_ he fucking _leaned in_ like the _stupid motherfucker_ he berates himself for being, but Josh did. Josh fucking leaned in and he will never, _ever_ forget how fucking soft Tyler’s lips were. He will _never_ forget how easy it was to deepen the kiss, or how Tyler responded to it so willingly. Even if it was only for a second, it was anything _but_ chaste or quick or small. It was, even if just for one moment, even if it was only a solid eight or nine seconds (which neither of them would ever, ever own up to it lasting that long), it was _everything_.

He could tell that Tyler knew it was everything, too. He knew it because Tyler was the one who took Josh’s bottom lip in his own and pressed that back of Josh’s head into the wall even if it was fleeting and gone in the next moment, he knew that Tyler knew. Because Tyler hummed and drew his other hand to cup Josh’s face. Because Tyler inhaled so _sharply_ when Josh’s hand moved up to grasp the back of his neck. Because, if it wasn’t everything, then why did Tyler’s tongue gently trace the seam of Josh’s lips, why was it so whole and so heart racing and because, if it wasn’t everything, then why did it _feel_ like everything?

It had to end sometime and Josh knew that. He knew they couldn’t do anything _more_ than this because it was wrong. It was something they hadn’t talked about and was something they’d probably never discuss again (unless it happened again, unless they wanted to be something more, down the line). It had to end. He knew it had to be their first _and_ last kiss, and while it stung for a second, that didn’t mean the kiss didn’t mean anything. Josh was pretty sure they both knew that, but he also knew he could never ask.

It wasn’t even ten seconds. Tyler pulled away to look at Josh, palms still holding his face. He realized the shaking in his skin wasn't him, it was Tyler. Josh smiled weakly, and then Tyler really did give him something chaste. And then he did it again, and then he was kissing Josh’s nose and cheeks and Josh’s smile was beaming, blushing, burning when Tyler let up.

“I think that was a long time coming,” Tyler breathed. He leaned forward to rest his forehead against Josh’s. “Think it was a _really_ long time coming.”

“That was it, though, wasn’t it.” It wasn’t a question. It wasn’t sad, though, either. Both of them smiled for a moment, and Josh leaned in to give his _friend,_ Josh thought bitterly (for a moment), one more quick, small peck. “Okay, now that was it.” Tyler chuckled.

“Maybe.”

It was easy for them to move on from it once Josh took his hand away from Tyler’s neck. Tyler stepped back, sweet smile still on his reddened lips, and walked back to the kitchen.  
  


Around 10:00, Josh’s mom called with a warning about curfew and Josh took it as a signal to leave. He thanked Ashley for her courtesy (she didn’t know about the kiss, he just meant to thank her for letting him stay from dawn to dusk) and made his way to the door.

“Hey, um, J?” Tyler said, concern creeping over his features. Josh’s heart fluttered at the nickname.

“What’s up, Ty?” Two could play at that. He hung on to the doorknob, standing in the entryway. Tyler stood there for a second, his eyes avoiding Josh’s as he shifted from foot to foot. “Dude, what’s up?”

Suddenly, Tyler was stepping forward, wrapping his bony arms around Josh’s shoulders and squeezing him tightly, palms open on his back. Josh froze for a moment before reaching around his friend’s ribs and squeezing just as tight. He felt Tyler sigh against his neck, and not for the first time that day, Josh could feel Tyler shaking slightly.

“Thank you,” He heard Tyler murmur. “Thank you for not leaving after I talked to you.” Josh opened his mouth to say something like _what the hell, man, i would never leave you_ , but Tyler was too fast. “I missed you.” His voice was even quieter. Josh’s heart cracked right down the middle, a tangible pain growing in his chest. He squeezed Tyler as hard as he could. “A _lot_ , Josh. I thought about you every day.”

“Shh, dude. I missed you too.” Josh whispered against Tyler’s ear. “One day at a time.”

“Okay. Thank you.”

“I’ll see you tomorrow, Ty-guy.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (they're not dating)
> 
> here's a little song that reminds me of this chapter: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-5s1q7SVs6U


	7. VII

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> now we're jumping in :) y'all are gon hate me so bad

It wasn’t until the Friday before the second-to-last-week of school that Josh hit a bump in the road.

It was Friday night and Josh was sitting in his room with Pete, Hayley, and Brendon. Josh was sitting on his drum stool, Pete had an unplugged bass guitar that he strummed casually as they spoke, and Hayley and Brendon would sometimes try to harmonize. After a moment of lamely tapping on his snare drum with one stick, Josh clipped his pinky one of the lug locks and hissed. He dropped the stick on the carpet and held his finger to his lips.

“You good, dude?” Brendon asked. Josh nodded, pulling away his finger to examine the redness.

“Just got me for a second.” He shrugged and grabbed the stick from the ground, laying the pair on the drum and slouching. He glanced at Brendon, who was biting his lip. Josh chuckled. “Are _you_ good, dude?”

“Dye your hair recently?” Hayley cut in, seeming to save Brendon from something. A hot pink curl was visible from under Josh’s beanie.

“Oh, yeah,” He said. He took of the beanie and ran a hand through his wild curls before replacing it. “Just the other day. Thought you’d seen it.” She shrugged at him. Pete stopped strumming, also looking at Brendon, who was still staring at Josh with his bottom lip worried between his teeth.

“Okay, B, what’s your deal?” Pete asked. He put his bass flat on Josh’s bed and leaned off of it to wave a hand in front of his friend’s eyes. Brendon flinched and slapped Pete’s hand away.

“Jerkoff,” He muttered. He looked back at Josh. “Hey, curly. Can I ask you something? You don’t have to answer. But by not answering, you're kind of answering it, y'know?” Josh shrugged in response, scrunching his eyebrows together. He felt his heartbeat pick up, and mentally berated himself for reacting that way. It was just Brendon, he tried to convince himself. There was no reason to get worked up.

“Okay.” Brendon sat up straight in the desk chair. “I don’t know how many people know about it. I know Hayley and Dallon do, I’m pretty sure Debby does too, which means Jenna knows. I don’t know. Anyway,” He scratched the back of his neck. “We heard from… An anonymous source, I guess, that… You’re gay?”

Josh’s breath hitched. It's not the worse thing they could know, he guessed. 

“Um. Who told you that?” It could only be one of… Four people? Josh guessed. Debby, Jenna, Ashley, or Tyler. And then Josh knew before Brendon had to say it.

“Ashley,” They said together.

“Fucking. Ashley Frangipane.” Josh hissed. Brendon raised an eyebrow. “Fuck.”

“Dude, it’s totally okay. I mean, look who you’re talking to.” Hayley gestured across the room.

“No, it’s. Not that. I don’t really care if you guys know. But, Tyler said that Ashley has, and I quote, ‘the biggest mouth in the Midwest.’” He held up air quotes. “For real, I’m gonna kick her ass. I _explicitly_ told her to keep that--”

“Um, Josh.” Pete said. Josh looked at him with pursed lips. “Let’s just say it’s… Kind of old news. To more than just us.”

“Did you guys already know?”

“Well, I guess? It’s not cool to speculate like that, but that’s not what we mean.” Hayley said.

“Like… I can bet you, if you walked up to someone in school, anyone, they’d know. Ashley’s mouth _is_ the Midwest.”

“Oh my _fucking god_.” Josh threw his drumstick at the window. It bounced off lamely, hitting the floor with a dull thud.

“Okay, while we’re talking about this.” Pete sat up, throwing his knees over the edge of the bed. “We _know_ , Josh.” The pink-haired boy froze.

“You _know_ what, exactly?”

“About you and Tyler. About what happened.” Pete said. Josh stood up, throwing his beanie on the ground and running his hands through his hair as he paced through his room. He couldn't believe this was happening. That stuff was _private_ , not even _Debby_ knew every detail about what happened. He couldn't believe Ashley told others.

“How much do you know?”

“Uh, well.” Hayley was talking again, pulling her knees to her chest and fiddling with the seam of her socks. “Know that you guys had a thing for each other in middle school, and then he ran off once you told him about how you felt. Left for a long time, now you’ve got anxiety and attachment issues, stuff like that. We know that he hurt you really bad and you guys fought a lot when he got back.”

“Okay, well, rest assured--” Josh was going to tell them that they’d moved on from that, and sure, while he was gay, he wasn’t sure if he was still into his friend.

“Look, Josh. We don’t like him.” Brendon put his hands on his knees and stood up. Josh sputtered for a moment.

“Wait, but he--”

“Dude, don’t try to excuse it.” Brendon’s voice a little forceful. “He fucking abandoned you and it almost killed you, from what we understand. He’s out. He should be out of your life, too.” Josh stood frozen for a moment, palms open at his sides and breathing stilled. He eventually swallowed and ran his hand over his face.

“You guys have known for a while, haven’t you. That’s why you’ve been pushing Tyler away so bad.” Josh said lamely. He grabbed his beanie and set atop the lower tom-tom. He sat on the stool again and wheeled himself out from behind the kit. Brendon followed with the desk chair so they were all sitting in a circle. Hayley nodded emphatically, still toying with the seam on her sock.

“And… You want me to stop talking to him?” His voice cracked. Pete fiddled with his thumbs and looked to Brendon, who shrugged.

“We think it’d be best. Besides, we have a pact.” Brendon said.

“Okay, um. I’m gonna tell _you three_ something that can’t get out to the rest of us, alright? It’s not my secret and I really shouldn’t say anything, but… Circumstance, y’know?” The three of them nodded, encouraging Josh to continue. He swallowed.

“Tyler has seen some shit. Tyler has been through some shit. Tyler feels like he doesn’t belong in a lot of places, y’know? Even growing up, I always noticed that the kid looked uncomfortable everywhere we went. Even in his own home. Having a group of people who actually support him and care about him is a big deal.”

“Okay, and? How damaged can the guy be?” Brendon asked, eyebrows knitted together.

“He tried to come out to his parents and his dad _beat him_. That’s why he fucking ran away. He left and he went to Cincinnati for as long as he could stand it and then,” Josh ran a hand over his face again. “Oh my god. I shouldn’t be telling you guys this. He watched as a girl, Meg, or something, O.D’d in the back of his friend’s car. He tried to kill himself doing the same thing. He lived in Cincinnati with people who didn’t care about him after that because they thought he was dead. He learned that he wasn’t wanted so he called Ashley and said ‘hey, I'm in a tough spot, can you help me out’ because he knew _Ashley. Fucking. Frangipane_. Would understand. What does that tell you?” Josh was fuming. He looked at his friends, who suddenly understood what he meant.

Ashley had been through the ringer like no one else they knew (until Tyler, maybe). She was raped by her uncle when she was in elementary school and her parents never believed her, and everything she knew went down the drain. By the time Josh had met her, her hair was frizzy and bright blue and she smoked like it was her job. She’d attempted suicide and struggled _badly_ with bipolar depression, hated herself so badly she couldn’t look in the mirror and smashed every mirror in the school bathrooms at one point. She struggled to make social connections and that’s one of the reasons she talked about everything she knew. She didn’t hold back with drinking, either, and that was one of the reasons Josh slowly cut her out -- with the time he was having, he couldn’t have that kind of influence. Everyone knew what happened to Ashley because she made the information public. She wasn’t shy about her past and while Ashley was a magical, magical person and Josh absolutely loved her, she scared him a little.

So when Josh said that Ashley _understood_ and was _emphatic_ about Tyler’s experiences, he knew he should have just started with that when he saw the color drain from his friends’ faces. Eventually Pete coughed awkwardly into his fist.

“Okay, yeah, Josh… Just consider the fact that, while Tyler’s been through some things… It doesn’t excuse his behavior.” He said, rubbing the back of his head and avoiding eye contact.

“Are you guys serious?” The three of them shared glances before nodding guiltily. “Does everyone feel this way?” Brendon clicked his tongue before shrugging. Pete nodded in his place.

“Josh, it’s just that…” Hayley trailed off. “The amount of faith you have might trigger a landslide.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Okay, dude, just.” Pete leaned back on the bed a bit and eyed Hayley curiously before moving on. “We don’t like him. He’s gotta go.”

Josh’s heart fell through his shoes. He slouched over on his stool for a moment and stared at his hands, resting uselessly in his lap. He fiddled with his fingers for a moment before looking at his friends with his eyebrows scrunched.

“I… I don’t wanna be rude, but can you guys leave me alone for a bit? I’m gonna call Ty and let him know.” Josh’s voice was small.

“Are you sure?” Hayley asked, looking up from her sock.

“Yeah. I’m just gonna call him and let him know. I’ll see you guys sometime?” With that, his friends were gone. Josh reorganized his room with the chairs and such, laying down on his bed with anguish.

He didn’t _want_ to let Tyler go. He wasn’t sure if he could physically or mentally handle it. He didn’t want to have to explain that to his friends, though. Josh had grown nearly as attached as he had been before Tyler left. He knew it wasn’t healthy but he thought it was _okay_ because he knew Tyler was the same way. And after their moment a couple weeks ago, Josh wasn’t sure he even had the ability to let go.

He turned on his stomach and pondered how to even approach the topic. Maybe he didn't have to let go of Tyler. Maybe their friendship could be a secret, maybe he's going over to Ashley's to hang out with Ashley. They wouldn't have to know. Maybe Tyler skipped town again and Josh is talking to Ashley to cope. Josh sighed. There probably wasn't a way to completely hide it. He needed a better solution that _didn't_ involve cutting out his friend. The pink-haired boy grabbed his phone from his nightstand and unlocked the screen, swiping open his messages and texting Tyler.

 

**Dog Breath (9:37pm):**

_red alert_

_call me when you can_

 

**Baby Boy (9:41pm):**

_Can I come over instead_

 

**Dog Breath (9:41pm):**

Are you serious ? ?  


**Baby Boy (9:43pm):**

_Hell yea i am_

_OMW_  
  
  
**Dog Breath (9:45pm):**

_wait Ty what tf_

_My parents are still up they might c you_

 

Tyler never replied to his message. Josh swallowed harshly, working to save himself from full on panic. He rolled up his blinds and pulling his desk chair up to the window, carefully waiting for some indication of his friend’s arrival so that he could stop him before Josh’s parents saw him. Josh wasn’t sure that Tyler was ready for any kind of interaction with his parents -- besides, his father and Tyler’s father were still on relatively good terms. They were co-workers and saw each other on a daily basis. If word of Tyler’s reappearance got back to Mr. Joseph, Josh knew there would be hell to pay.

Eventually, a boy in fucking _pink shoes_ , Josh noticed immediately, came jogging down the street. The sun was so low that Josh could barely make out his features, but he was tall, so he figured it had to be his friend.

Josh leaned out the window and started waving his arms crazily to get his attention. Tyler halted his pace when he noticed and Josh could hear him laughing from down the street. Tyler continued up to the house in a casual pace, where he crossed his arms over his chest and jutted out his hip in a power stance.

“Do you need something, mister?” Tyler called out. Josh threw a finger over his mouth to indicate that Tyler needed to keep his voice down. The other boy got the message as his eyes widened and mouth formed a perfect O. He clamped a hand over his mouth, and Josh waved him up the driveway. He grabbed a nondescript hoodie from his closet and hauled ass down the stairs, meeting Tyler at the door before he could make an effort to ring the doorbell. Josh stepped out on the porch and closed the door quietly behind him.

“Can you put this on?” He whispered urgently, shoving the coat in Tyler’s arms. The other boy nodded and threw it over his head as Josh peaked back inside. “Hey, mom?” He yelled.

“Yes, Joshie?”

“ _Joshie_ ,” Tyler teased quietly, tugging on one of his friend’s gauges. Josh grabbed his hand, holding on to it over his shoulder. He heard Tyler humming a melody he didn’t recognize as he yelled back at his mom.

“Um, can,” He looked to Tyler and quirked an eyebrow. “Can Pete come in? We’re trying to make plans but his phone died, so he just came over.”

“Sure thing! Your father and I will be going to bed soon, though, so keep it down please!” Josh nodded to Tyler and tugged the hood over his head, leading him into the house and up the stairs. He held on to Tyler’s wrists and walked backwards, smiling at his lanky friend as he backed through his bedroom door. Tyler chuckled at him. He took off the hoodie and threw it on Josh’s desk once he got inside.

“Why did you want to come over? I just wanted to talk to you.” Josh asked as he sat on his bed.

“Ashley’s… Not having the best night. I was waiting for a reason to get out of the house,” Tyler said. He sat in the desk chair opposite from Josh. “So, what did you wanna talk about?”

“Oh, um.” Josh had almost forgotten about his talk with his friends earlier. He twiddled his thumbs. “Okay, well. Take this lightly.”

Tyler shrugged. “So… I made a plan. In the eighth grade. It was that I was going to make a certain number of them and keep a certain number of that number closer than the rest. I had a really selective plan of people, and I found those people, and befriending them was easy. Once I had all of them, I let them know what the plan was, and they all really digged it, so we kind of became this group of exclusive kids who didn’t talk to anyone else. It was really nice and it’s worked out beautifully, but now that you’re around, I’ve really wanted to add you to this group. You’re really important to me, Ty, just remember that as I’m telling you this.

“I’ve been trying to ease them into the idea, and everyone was on board with it. It was nice but? I don’t know if you could tell, but they’ve been acting really weird towards you. I thought it was just because you were new or something, but um.” Josh swallowed. He gestured for Tyler to come sit next to him and the other boy perched on the edge of the mattress next to him willingly. “Yeah. It turns out that… Well, once you got back, I guess you had to explain what happened to Ashley. I don’t know how much you told her, but I guess she was able to keep it on the DL until I came around and spilled the beans about my own issues. Because they connected to you and you’re kind of the biggest scoop to happen to our school in a long time, she let everyone know what’s up… If you know what I mean.” Tyler quirked an eyebrow.

“Uh, well. Everyone knows I’m gay now, and that’s not really a shock considering the people I hang out with. It doesn’t matter that much. I don’t know what she said about you in terms of that. I don’t think anyone cares anyway. But… I think she also told people what… Happened… If you know what I mean.”

“Who did she tell, exactly?” Tyler’s voice was so quiet, Josh’s ears strained to hear him.

“Yeah, I don’t know. I know my friends know about it. That might be it. I think she knows better than to go around and tell the whole school about that kind of thing. But, anyway, because they know what happened… They’re not really fond of you. They’re not fond of me being fond of you, either.”

“So…” Tyler tilted his head.

“So, um. They want me to stop having you around, and for me to stop seeing you altogether.”

“Why do you sound so calm about this?”

“Dude, you gotta speak up.”

“I said, _why_ are you so calm about this?” Tyler scooted away from him a little.

“I’m not okay with it, is where I was going with that. I wanted to talk with you about how we could avoid not talking to each other anymore. I really care about you, dude, I don’t wanna lose you again.” Josh scooted closer to Tyler as the other boy tried to move away.

“Okay, what do you w--”

“Goodnight, Joshua,” Mrs. Dun’s voice said, echoing throughout the room as she poked her head in.

She and Tyler froze with their eyes on each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> did you see what i did there...
> 
> i love u all. please keep telling me what you think<3


	8. VIII

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy 4th of july :p
> 
> a friend of mine gave me the best sub-plot of the century and we're swinging with it. so, if it looks like we're going offroad, just remember that i have a road map :)

“Tyler?” She breathed just as the brown-haired boy stood up to say “I can explain!”

“Tyler Joseph?” She repeated, stepping into the room with her hand over her mouth. “Oh, _my_ , Tyler? That’s really you?” She extended her arms out with her palms out, walking towards him slowly. Tyler gulped.

“Long time no see,” He said shakily. “It’s… Nice to see you, Mrs. Dun.” She pulled him into a hug, shaking him back and forth in her arms.

“Oh, son, I can’t believe it’s you!” Her voice was high. Tyler’s shot open at the endearment with visible discomfort. “I can’t believe this! We thought that you, you were,” She held him at arm’s length and examined him. “We thought you had died.” Her eyes were watering. Tyler smiled weakly.

“No, I’m still around.” His laugh was shy. She nodded vigorously and pulled him into another hug. Josh watched awkwardly as he watched his mother handle Tyler, who was _clearly_ uncomfortable. The pink-haired boy coughed into his elbow and stood from his bed.

“How long has he been back? And you didn’t tell me?” Her voice wasn’t angry as she glared at her son, just concerned.

“Not too long, actually we--”

“Oh, your father would love to know about this,” She clapped her hands together and made back towards the door when Tyler grabbed her elbow.

“No, no, please,” He was saying. “Mr. Dun and my father still talk, I know they do, if my parents know I’m back it won’t be pretty.”

“Oh, son,” He flinched at her words. “How bad can it possibly be? I’m sure they’ll be delighted to hear that their son is--”

“No, Mrs. Dun, please, you don’t understand. I left in the first place because my parents and I were not on good terms and I was scared about what they would do to me if I stayed. Please, you have to understand.” His eyes were pleading.

“Well, I have to tell Josh’s father. He’ll be excited to know, at least. I’ll just tell him to keep his mouth shut!” With that, she waltzed out of the room and down the hall to grab Mr. Dun. Tyler turned to his cherry-curled friend with a panic-stricken look that made Josh start to panic as well. Tyler pointed to the window and started to move towards it, but Josh caught him by the shoulder.

“You can’t _leave_ , dude, my mom already saw you. She’s gonna know something’s up.”

“Your dad is gonna-- he’s gonna tell my dad, and, and,” Tyler couldn’t seem to catch his breath, clutching his chest and coughing.

“Okay, hold on, just sit down. Here, here,” He lead Tyler back to his bed and sat him on the edge of it. “Put your head between your knees. Have you ever had a panic attack?” Josh asked as he pushed down on the nape of Tyler’s neck. Tyler took a few moments to collect himself before sitting back up. He jerked his head up and down, threading his hands in his hair and setting his elbows on his knees.

“Don’t know what I’m gonna do if dad finds out,” He whispered. “Gonna have to leave. He’ll find me.”

“The hell he will.” Josh muttered, rubbing Tyler’s back in circles.

Josh’s father followed his mother back in shortly after. Tyler looked up with watery eyes and frantically blinked back the moisture as Josh’s father pulled him into a similar hug that his mother did, swinging Tyler back and forth and calling him “son” repeatedly.

“Oh, your parents will be so happy to--”

“No, please, hold on.” Tyler pulled away to look at both of them. “You _can’t_ tell my dad. He will find me. I left _because_ of him.”

“Oh, Tyler.” His father scoffed. “You’re being a little dramatic. Your father explained to me what happened, and I’m glad to let you know that he’s moved on--”

“Mr. Dun, I’m sorry, but if you actually knew what happened, you’d know that he hasn’t moved on.” Tyler’s voice was nervous. Josh’s father looked taken aback for a moment, only to shake it off again.

“Please, son. I know what I’m talking about, I know your father pretty well. He’ll be overjoyed that you’re back. He’ll be overjoyed that you're _alive,_ even.”

“Okay, no, you can’t tell--”

“Tyler, son.” Mr. Dun knitted his eyebrows. “We’ve… Already called your parents. They’re on their way. That’s how I know they’re excited to see you. They told me.”

“You… What?” Tyler stepped back, falling on the bed when his knees hit the edge. “You called them… You _told my_ \--” He was standing up suddenly, palming at his pockets and trying to edge out of the room. Josh stood up after him.

“Tyler, please, they just want to see their son.” Josh's father's voice was gentle.

“Yeah, so they can break my jaw.” Tyler breathed out, almost absently. His eyes were hollow. He pushed past Josh’s parents and stepped out of Josh’s room, quickly climbing down the stairs and making his way towards the entry with Josh hot on his heels. His parents stood at the top of the stairs.

“Son, where are you going?” His father called. Josh grabbed Tyler by the elbow. He didn't even look back as he tugged himself free, swinging out the front door. Josh looked back at his parents with scorn.

“Okay, yo, that wasn’t cool.” He snapped.

“Watch your tone, Joshua. His pa--”

“His parents _beat him_ ,” Josh finished for them, snapping again. “They beat him _bloody_ and he ran away because he knew his dad would _kill him_ if he stuck around. Tyler’s been back in town for almost a _month_ and has been terrified to step foot over here because he’s terrified of having someone he knows see him and contact his parents -- Which happens the very first time he comes over here!” Josh was shouting. “He’s probably-- Jesus Christ, thanks guys,” He muttered, whipping himself out the door. He grabbed the keys off the hook and jumped in his dad’s Buick and got out of the driveway before his dad realized what he was doing. Josh zipped away from the house, turning on his hyperbeams and keeping his eyes peeled for Tyler.

He had figured the boy would be headed in the opposite direction of his old house. He drove quickly, neglecting yield signs and barely pausing at stop signs. He had no idea how much ground Tyler could have covered or even which turns he took in Josh’s labyrinth of a neighborhood. The red-haired boy rolled down the windows to cool down the stiff air in the car. His breathing was harsh and angry and he cursed every time he thought he saw a shape that turned into nothing.

Eventually, he stopped at a park about ten blocks from his house and clawed his phone from his pocket, dialing Tyler’s number and shoving the phone up to his ear. His breath hitched at the familiarity of the situation.  
  
It took four calls for Tyler to answer.

“Dude, please, where are you? Please let me help you.” Josh was yelling as soon as the dial tone cut out. He wasn’t even sure if Tyler was there, but he breathed a sigh of relief when the other boy replied.

“I’m, I’m--” He gasped. “I’m near the phone booth at the opposite end of your neighborhood, by the opening near the freeway.”

“Okay. I’ll be there in two minutes.”

“I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do.” Tyler was repeating to himself urgently. His voice was shot from sprinting. Josh didn’t reply, just made sure he stayed on the line as he found the phone booth. The headlights eventually flashed over Tyler’s crouched form, allowing Josh to breath a sigh of relief as he leaned over and opened the car door.

Tyler got in meekly, pointing a shaky hand behind him.

“I don’t know what to do.” He was still saying. Josh grabbed his trembling fist and held it tightly, navigating out of the neighborhood with one hand on the steering wheel. He pulled onto the freeway and pulled off on Granville Street, parking in a deserted lot.

“Dude, it’s okay. It’s okay.” Josh turned the car off and leaned over the center console to hug his friend around the shoulders, holding him until his breathing evened out. Eventually, when Josh pulled away, Tyler drifted with him. He chuckled to himself; Tyler was asleep.

The older of the two didn’t try to sleep that night, for a couple reasons. He wanted to make sure Tyler wouldn’t take off after that incident, and he _still_ had to come up with a way to make sure Tyler didn’t get scratched out of his life again.

He texted Pete.

 

**Spooky (12:57am):**

Hey man, r you awake?  


**PKLW (1:14am):**

_nop_

 

**Spooky (1:15am):**

_Dude for real_

_I have a problem_

_ & a request _

 

**PKLW (1:18am):**

_wtf do you want_

 

**Spooky (1:23am):**

_a lot of shit just happened & i don’t think i can tell tyler that you guys hate him _

_i mean like i already did and stuff but like. i can’t leave him rn_

_is there Any way i can get you guys to reconsider?_

_Like imagine if we all suddenly decided we hated Trick. how would you want to fix it_

 

**PKLW (1:37am):**

_OK i don’t know what the others Will think of this._

_and just for the record, Patrick has never done anything shitty to anyone so that s a bad comparison. try again next time, sport_

_But anyway. let’s go camping next weekend, right after school gets out. we’ll go away for the whole weekend this time, friday thru Tuesday_

_I know Deb doesn’t work so she and jenna will for sure be there, it’ll be all of us in one place again :)_

_if we like tyler by the end of the trip, he can stick around w/ us cool kids_

_We’ll go out to Leesville Lake. sound chill?_

 

Josh peaked his head over to Tyler, who was stirring. Josh frowned. He stepped out of the Buick and popped the trunk to grab a couple of blankets. He threw them on top of the car and stepped around to the passenger side, opening the door as quietly as he could and taking great care to prop the seat back without waking up his friend. He covered Tyler with a couple blankets before stepping around to his own side of the car and doing the same thing to himself and pulled out his phone again.

 

**Spooky (1:51am):**

_awesome, dude. thank you so much_

_i’ll see you mon? i gotta take care of ty right now, lmao_

 

**PKLW (1:56am):**

_take care like… BDSM or take care like he’s just having a shitty night_

 

**Spooky (1:59am):**

_what the fuck_

_the second one, jerkoff_

 

**PKLW (2:07am):**

_ <3 _  


* * *

“Fucking… Jesus,” He heard Tyler muttering. Josh turned over with bloodshot eyes, scrubbing at them uselessly. “Where…”

“You’re good, man.” Josh whispered. Tyler flipped over with alarm, his funny bone hitting the buckle. He hissed, but visibly relaxed when he only saw Josh. “You hum in your sleep.”

“I… What?” Tyler was still groggy. He pulled the fleece over his nose and cradled his elbow under the blanket.

“You were humming, like…” Josh trailed off, releasing a tired arm from his chest to knock a beat on the center console. _[Do-do-do-do, d-d-d-do...](https://youtu.be/wGbraQdkct8?t=108) _

Tyler snorted, hiding his face in his elbow. “What is that?” Josh asked.

“‘S from a song I wrote,” Tyler said, voice muffled. 

“You write music?”

“Wrote a ton of music,” He was muttering, face still hidden. “Not recently, but I’ve written a lot. A lot a lot.”

“And you… Hum it in your sleep?”

“Fuckin’... ‘Parently.” He turned away from Josh, nestling into his own shoulder. “Where are we?”

“Panera Bread.” Tyler paused.

“Why?” He looked over his shoulder at his friend. Josh’s heart skipped a beat. Tired Tyler was the cutest version of him, he quickly decided.

“I dunno. I just got off on this exit and this was the first parking lot I found.” Josh shifted around in his seat. Tyler blinked at him for a moment. He reached out with one of his arms and carded through Josh’s hair.

“Gonna be honest with you man,” He whispered. Josh looked at him suspiciously. “Red’s not your color.” Josh swatted his hand away with a smile.

“Hey, fuck off. I rock this.”

“Okay bud. Can you take me home?” Tyler leaned back. He pulled the blanket over his head. Josh nodded without realizing Tyler couldn’t see it, and propped his seat up. He turned on the ignition and slowly pulled out of the space, yawning dramatically into the air and putting on his blinker to get out of the lot.

They drove in silence. Josh was tired as shit and he wasn’t sure how he got both of them back to Ashley’s alive, but he did it. He flicked Tyler on the ear and got swatted at, but he didn’t care.

“What time is it?” Tyler asked with a yawn. He stretched his arms above his head and groaned. Josh shivered.

“Like,” He unlocked his phone. “Oh my god. It’s four in the morning.” He grunted as the back of his head smacked into the headrest.

“I’m goin’ inside. You can come in and crash if you don’t wanna go home.” Tyler shrugged off the blankets, opening the car door and swinging it shut. Josh noticed that he didn’t say goodbye, and took it an indication that Tyler didn’t mean for Josh to leave. Josh swiftly turned off the Buick and trotted after the other boy into Ashley’s house. Tyler shut the door behind them quietly and deftly turned the locks before smiling tiredly at his friend. Josh decided to ignore the fact that his heart skipped again.

He followed Tyler into his bedroom and watched as the other boy peeled back the sheets and kicked off his shoes, not even bothering to change his clothes before climbing into bed. Josh followed suit and tried to keep a reasonable distance between, turning on his left side so he faced away from his friend.

“What the hell, dude,” He murmured. Josh turned his head to see his friend stretching out his arms toward him. “We make out and now you won’t even look at me? That’s messed up.” Josh snorted out a laugh and rolled towards Tyler, wrapping his arms around his friend and letting Tyler nuzzle the dip between his clavicle before they fell asleep.  


* * *

 

Josh went home the next evening to receive a thorough interrogation from both his parents _and_ Tyler’s.

“Where is our son”, “How could you keep something like this from us”, “He needs to come home and be with family”, “Tell us where he is”, “I don’t want to have to use force”, “Tyler is alive and we need to see our son”, “It’s unreasonable that you’re keeping him from us”, “Where is he at, Joshua”. Josh was very careful about how he answered their questions. He knew that giving Tyler up wasn’t an option, but he also knew that now Tyler’s parents were aware their son was back, they weren’t going to stop looking for him.

“I know Tyler doesn’t want me to give you this information, so I can’t. It’s not my place to put him somewhere he doesn’t want to be. I’m not even sure why he came back, honestly, but I do know that it’s been difficult for him to adjust. Coming over last night was a big step for him, I was kind of shocked that he wanted to do it.” He said emphatically, stuffing his hands under his thighs. They were all looking at him expectantly from around the living room.

“Listen, son. It isn’t your place to _keep him_ _from his family_ , either. We need to know where he is.” Tyler’s father’s voice was firm. Josh shook his head.

“If he doesn’t want to see you, then he doesn’t have to. You have to understand where he’s coming from.” Josh was straining himself from yelling.

“No, Joshua, _you_ aren’t understanding. We are his _parents_.” His father stood up and crossed his arms over his chest. Josh sighed.

“Look, the bottom line is that I'm not telling you where he is or what he's up to. If he ever decides that he wants to see you guys, he'll know where to find you.” Josh stood up and stuffed his hands in his pockets, gripping his phone tightly.

“Joshua, why are you being so difficult?” His own father looked at him with disappointed eyes. Josh shook his head and replaced his beanie.

“Because it isn't my place.”

“It’s about to be, son.”

“Look, okay.” Josh sighed. “Tyler left for a reason. He's scared of you guys. He's scared of being in Columbus in general because of you guys.” He turned to glance at them. “And if you _actually_ cared that he was back, you would have seen that he enrolled back in school with me. You guys would have gotten some sort of notification. _Especially_ ,” He spat, “If Tyler’s Missing Persons case is still active, which, you know, it _should be_ if you were _actually_ worried about him.”

“Joshua!” His mother scolded. “That's enough. You don't know anything abou--”

“I know about _Tyler_ ,” He raised his eyebrows. “I know that Tyler could have easily been found by now. I know Tyler wasn't trying too hard to hide because he knew it was important to make sure people knew he was back, because he wanted people in his life again.” He looked to his friend’s parents. “I know that he knows about you guys, and how to avoid you. I know that he knows he would be safe at school-- Well, not anymore, and he knows _that_ too-- Because you two probably deactivated the case within hours of him going missing. I know you didn't bat an eye when he came back the first time. So why now? Why are you suddenly _so interested_ in your son’s whereabouts _now,_ especially when you didn't have to look that hard to find him? Why _now_ , that you were able to put a location on him?”

“That's enough, Josh.” His father said.

“Yeah, it is.” He flashed a look back, walking out of the living room and up to his room.  He dialed quickly.

“Hey, J,” Tyler said. “‘Sup?”

“We’re going camping next weekend. Also, don’t come to school.” He hung up without waiting for a reply, throwing his phone on the bed and grabbing his drumsticks.


	9. IX

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you know that feeling when you're going up on a roller coaster, and you can here the damn thing ticking and you're like "oh boy here we go"
> 
> that's this chapter.

“I don't know how long I can keep avoiding my parents,” Josh whispered. Tyler turned his head, an eyebrow quirked. “I mean… They know that I know, y'know? I wish that could just be it, but they're so mad at me that I feel really bad about even being home. I just…” Josh shrugged against the mattress. They had made a pillow fort in the living room on Wednesday night while Ashley was out, using Tyler’s mattress for the floor of it and then creating something massive -- they encapsulated the TV underneath a sheet that stretched back over the mattress on a chair, and two more sheets across it to widen the structure. Tyler pinched Josh’s stomach.

“Well, I mean. You're welcome to stay here. You know that. But, I do think you need to talk to them at some point.” He laid on his stomach so it was easier to face the red-haired boy. Josh sighed and stretched out his arms.

“Can I do it, like, next week?” He groaned. Tyler nodded sympathetically, reaching out to swipe a hand through Josh’s wild hair. Josh caught his eye and they lingered on each each for a _little_ too long.   


On the next day, Josh was sitting in 6th period when Tyler called him out of the blue.

“Hey, what's up? Is everything okay?” He said, cradling the phone between his shoulder and his cheek.

“What do I pack?” Tyler asked.

“Oh, um. Just… Everything you use on a daily basis, I guess.” He shrugged as he scribbled out a note.

“I need energy drinks on a daily basis,” Tyler deadpanned. Josh snorted. “They need me, too.”

“Then… Bring like 5, I guess?”

“How many days are we out there?” His friend’s voice lifted. Josh counted on his fingers.

“Um. 5 days, 4 nights.”

“I’m bringing 20.”

“Jesus, Tyler,” Josh scoffed. “How many of those do you drink? That’s probably not--” Tyler cut him off by making raspberry noises; _ptbhthpbhth_. Josh started repeating him, and soon enough they were in an all-out battle until a ruler smacked down near Josh’s pinky. He gasped.

“Mr. Dun.” His teacher eyed him disdainfully. He smiled weakly, tugging his notebook from under her  As soon as she turned on her heel to step away, he was hissing at his friend again.

“I’m gonna beat your ass,” He said through gritted teeth. He stuffed his notebook in his bag.

“Kinky.” Tyler said. Josh choked on his spit. He grumbled incoherently to himself while Tyler laughed, apparently able to hear the halt in his breath from across the receiver. He hung up on his younger friend and stepped out of class, only cutting about 10 minutes before the bell rang.

And then it was Friday. Friday and Josh was fucking _pumped_ , if he said so himself. He was confident that, after a true solid weekend of seeing Tyler as the person Josh knows him to be, his friends would like him. His friends would want to include Tyler, be his friend in return. Josh was so confident, in fact, he told Tyler to bring his ukulele along, because that was exactly how they were all going to bond.

Everyone in the group had some sort of musical talent, and they were all pretty proud of it. They were loud about it, too, if you asked Josh, but that was fine. Especially with the upcoming weekend -- once they found out Tyler was as passionate about music as the rest of them were, and they got to experience it with him, they would love him in no time. Maybe not in the same way that Josh did, but… Whatever. He eyed his drumsticks in the bag, tossing a pair of socks over them. He should probably get over to Tyler’s soon so the other boy could throw all his stuff in, too. The cherry-curled boy scrubbed at his eyes before continuing to dig through his drawers.

Tyler was almost _hyper_ -musical. The guy could do a lot of random things -- piano, bass, ukulele, and he _loved_ to sing. Even if it was just in passing, he’d walk around Ashley’s house singing Celine Dion. He loved it. And Josh _knew_ that was gonna be the way into his friends’ hearts. So, he told his friend to bring his ukulele. He was confident it was going to work. He zipped up the bag and hoisted it the window, climbing out behind it to avoid his parents. Once on the ground, he slung it over his shoulder and started the two-and-a-half mile jog to Tyler’s house. He finally knocked on the door around 3:30 and was greeted by Tyler’s huge, toothy grin that made Josh’s heart do things he’d never admit to.

“Got your stuff ready? We need to be at B’s in like 45 minutes. It’s a long walk.” Josh said, dropping the duffle on Tyler’s bed. The other boy nodded, picking up a stack of clothes from the floor and a gallon-sized Ziploc bag of Red Bulls. Josh eyed him curiously.

“Did you think I was joking?” Tyler smiled. Josh shrugged, sitting on the edge of the mattress while Tyler divided up the space in the bag. It took him a few minutes, but he eventually zipped it up and shoved it back towards Josh. He strapped his ukulele to his back and gave him another toothy smile.

“Okay, no. Hold on.” Josh stood up, walking around the bed to his friend. “You… We have to establish some ground rules.” Tyler raised his eyebrows, setting down his instrument. “You cannot do that. Drives me nuts.” Josh grabbed his lanky friend’s wrist. “Fuckin’. Big grin like that. Do not. And do _not_ ,” He continued, but Tyler spoke over him.

“Okay, then you can’t do that stupid thing with your tongue when you smile. When you bite the tip of it, when your eyes get all squinty. You can’t do that either.” Tyler was frowning at him, and Josh felt like he had no other choice than to push his buttons.

“And why not?” He asked, tilting his head. Tyler’s adam’s apple bobbed for a second. Josh felt his cheeks heat up.

“Because, it,” He swallowed again. “Makes… It makes me want to,” Suddenly, Tyler’s hands were gripping Josh’s face as he tugged him forward, closing the bridge between their lips gently. Josh exhaled sharply against his friend’s cheek, fingers shyly wrapping around Tyler’s bony hips and drawing him closer.

The kiss lasted longer this time. Josh didn’t waste a second before deepening it, and his own breath hitched when Tyler complied. The other boy moved one hand to slide around to tangle in Josh’s ruby red hair, pulling gently. He turned them so that Tyler was pressed against his closet door. Tyler snaked a hand under Josh’s arm and pulled him closer, forcing a light hum out of Josh when their stomachs pressed together.

Josh pressed up against Tyler as much as he could, sliding his hand underneath of his t-shirt and dragging his thumb across his hip bone. Tyler gasped, hand tightening in the other boy's hair and no, no, wait.

Josh reluctantly pulled away with a soft smacking noise, breathing uneven. He looked at Tyler’s slightly swollen lips and half-lidded eyes and he chastised himself for letting go, but he knew he had to. He opened his mouth to say something, by the other boy pulled him back in, kissing him roughly for 4, 5, 6 seconds when Josh planted his hands on his chest and pushed himself off.

“Dude, we can’t, we can’t,” He was murmuring. Tyler groaned, leaning forward into his friend’s neck and dragging his lips across Josh’s pulse point. Josh gasped, shoving on Tyler’s chest again. “Oh my god, Ty, we have to goo _ooo_ ,” He whined. The dark-haired boy finally pulled back to look at him. Tyler leaned in again to whisper in Josh’s ear.

“I’m not finished with you,” He whispered. Josh shivered, making his friend laugh. “Okay, let’s… Let’s get out of here.” He slid out from between his shorter and the closet, grabbing his ukulele again and gesturing for Josh to get the bag.

“We gonna pretend that didn’t happen?” Josh asked as Tyler locked the door behind them.

“Did it _sound_ like we were?” His friend quirked an eyebrow. Josh gulped. Tyler smirked at him and pinched his butt.

“Dude, oh my fu--” He cut off, chasing his tattooed friend down the driveway. “You’re gonna get it, one of these days.” He grumbled.

“Give it to me, then.” Tyler waggled his eyebrows as a red flush, not unlike his current hair, colored Josh’s cheeks.

* * *

 

Brendon’s father let him use their SUV whenever the guy wanted, but most of the time he opted out. It was only for occasions like this that he borrowed the keys. Luckily, Tyler and Josh weren’t the last people there -- Brendon himself wasn’t even ready to go.   
  
“You guys excited?” Dallon ran a hand through his hair and lifted the gate on the car for the boys to pack their things back there.

“Yeah. I haven’t been camping since like, the 3rd grade.” Tyler laughed. Dallon returned it politely. Now that Josh actively looked over their behavior around his friend, he could tell that the others really weren’t fond of him. Whatever. They would be by Tuesday.

Despite the third-row seating, Brendon’s car still only had eight seats (and that was pushing it). They opted for the girls to take Jenna’s little Ford Focus while the rest of them piled into the SUV, making the situation significantly more comfortable for everyone.

Josh and Tyler sat in the very back while Pete and Patrick sat in the row in front of them, and Brendon and Dallon were in the driver/passenger seats. It was only about a half hour into the two hour journey that the silence started to suffocate them.

“So, Tyler,” Patrick said, turning around in his seat to look at the boy in question. “Tell us about yourself. We haven’t gotten to see very much of you, recently.” Tyler frowned sympathetically.

“Yeah, I’m sorry about that. A lot’s going on and it, well. Eventually became unsafe to go to school. I’m hoping things clear up.” He popped the P at the end, looking to Patrick, whose eyebrows were still raised expectantly. “Oh! Um. Well. I was raised here in Columbus. It was only a few years ago that I had to leave for family reasons. It wasn’t really safe for me to stay here, but that’s besides the point. I’m kind of a homebody and only really leave if I have to. I play a lot of games, listen to a lot of music, write a lot of music,” He added, ticking things off on his fingers. “I dunno. There’s not very much there.”

“What about your family?”

“Well… The situation is kind of messy right now. My parents are married and stuff, and I have three younger siblings -- two brothers and a sister. It’s neat. But… I don’t live with them right now. A lot’s happened over the last few years.” Tyler scratched the back of his neck. Patrick seemed to be satisfied with his answers and nodded emphatically.

“I’m sorry to hear that, man.” They maintained eye contact for an awkward amount of time as Patrick seemed to search for something in Tyler's expression. Pete eventually tugged on his friend’s shoulder to sit him back around. Tyler visibly relaxed once he was out of scrutiny, eyeing Josh weakly.

The rest of the ride was filled with a tense silence. No one really spoke to each other (Pete and Patrick texted each other from three feet away, giggling occasionally). At one point, Josh leaned over to whisper something in Tyler’s ear, but Tyler must have fucking _known_ Josh was gonna do that because he fucking _twisted his head to meet Josh_ and their lips brushed together. It didn’t make a noise when Josh pulled away with a betrayed look on his face, but the other boy sure did think it was funny. Both of them blushed for a moment, Tyler snorting into his elbow with a triumphant smile as Josh shoved him into the door. He leaned back into his own seat and crossed his arm over his chest and eyed Tyler from the corner of his eyes.

“ _Rude_.” Josh whispered. Tyler leaned over into his lap, shaking with silent laughter. Josh could see Brendon eyeing them from the rearview mirror.

* * *

 

Once they got to the campsite, they were quick to set up the tents and lawn chairs around the makeshift fire pit Pete had quickly dug out. The light was fading, and while it was mid-May, the sun certainly didn’t stay out past 9:00. The clock only read 7:07 when Josh checked, but the urgency was still there.

The girls arrived not long after, setting up their tent and bringing out the coolers they were designated. It was finally around 8:00 when everyone found a way to settle down.

“Hell yeah,” Brendon said, sprawling out over the arms of his chair near the fire pit. He groaned obscenely, earning a slap on the calf from Dallon. “Out here again. Haven’t been to Leesville in a _long time_ ,” He continued drawling. Jenna smiled into her palm. “Honestly. In the middle of the woods. By ourselves. Good times. What are we, two, three miles from the actual lake? Almost five from the road?” He glanced to Pete over his shoulder, who nodded. Brendon smiled something wicked that Josh didn’t understand, but he let it slide.

He looked to Tyler, who was settling under a frayed blanket in the fold-up chair about five feet from him. He was pulling his legs under himself to sit criss cross and couldn’t quite get the blanket to cover both knees and go up to his nose. The rose-haired boy smiled to himself.

“I don’t know what you guys are into…” Debby said, coming back from her car with a Walmart bag on her arm. “But I, personally, could eat s’mores every day of my life.”

“Okay, um, hell yes,” Hayley jumped up from her seat on Jenna’s lap and walked towards her friend. “ _Hell_ yes.”

The rest of the night was relatively calm. They played the chubby bunny challenge (Jenna dominated that) and ate s’mores until their stomach hurt (Patrick eventually forced the Hershey bars from Pete’s lap and asked Debby to remove them from the campsite, which was pretty funny if you only payed attention to Pete’s whining). Eventually, Dallon got bored and scanned the group for a second before clearing his throat, effectively catching everyone’s attention.

“Well… That was easy,” He laughed. “Do you guys actually wanna spice this up? Like…”

“ _Gghgh--spin the bottle--eeghgh,_ ” Pete coughed into his fist. Debby flipped him off.

“We’re not doing that, oh my god. Does anyone have like, a crazy story they want to tell, or something? It’s almost midnight, like. Just a way to cap off the evening.” She said. Dallon shrugged, leaning his head on Brendon’s knee. Out of the corner of his eye, Josh could see Tyler fidget under his blanket, and he got a _great_ idea.

“Tyler does,” He announced. Tyler glared at him, only to be greeted by the smile he had forbidden earlier. “It’s a real good one.” Tyler scoffed and shook his head, but found that everyone was staring at him.  

“Oh, well, um.” Tyler pulled the blanket down to sit over his shoulders. “It.. Okay. Did you guys ever hear about that girl in… I think it was Cleveland, um. Anyway, they found her body in a garbage bag on the side of the interstate?”

“Oh, yeah,” Hayley said. “What was her name? Like? Meg?” Tyler nodded.

“Yeah, well. The guys I stayed out with in Cinnci, they know the guys that messed her up.” The group quieted. Everyone looked either interested, shocked, or horrified. Tyler chuckled. “Yeah, it was messy. They were heavily involved in a drug caravan and they traveled all over the state, but they did a lot of work in, um, Cleveland.

“Anyway, apparently they were out on a delivery in the middle of the night one time, and the driver was absolutely fried. The were going through Woodbu-- Woodland Hills, sorry.” He swallowed. “It was like one in the morning and they straight up run over some girl who was crossing the street. Hit her full on, busting her ribs and twisting up her leg so bad it looked like a cartoon. It was nasty.

“They packed her up and after the deal they took her back to their headquarters. She was barely conscious and stuff, I guess. They tried to hold her there and demand information from her. They wanted to demand a ransom for her, but she wouldn’t talk, so they didn’t know who she was. So they made the younge--” He coughed into his elbow, hiding his face in his blanket for a moment before continuing. “Sorry, um. They made the youngest kid shoot her. Point blank. That was it; after that they put her in a garbage bag and dumped her out within a couple hours.”

“Dude, what the fuck?” Pete asked, his eyes blown wide. “Do the cops know about that?” Tyler shrugged.

“I don’t know. I don’t even know if anyone would ‘fess up to it, either. I don’t-- I don’t even know if that’s _true_. Honestly. Just a story some guys told me.”

“Is that all you know?” Tyler’s face went blank at the question.

“Well, I mean… They also talked about how the caravan got taken down, because the kid who shot her apparently saw her as a ghost, or something. She followed him around and one day he couldn’t handle it, so he tried to shoot her again, but they were in the van so he ended up shooting the driver. The van was in a nasty wreck and everyone died in the accident. But, I never heard about that part on the news, or anywhere else, so I don’t think it’s true.”

“Yeah,” Hayley said. “When the Meg Myers story was on the news, it was a huge deal. But… Yeah.” Pete nodded, seeming to be comforted.

“Okay, that was really heavy. Do you guys wanna call it a night?” Dallon said, suddenly uncomfortable. Everyone sort of nodded along, clambering out of their chairs and making their ways to their respective tents. It was only when the grounds were quiet that Tyler and Josh settled into their sleeping bags.

“Hey,” Josh whispered, turning to look at his friend. Tyler poked his head up. “C’mere.” The tattooed boy scooted over slowly, bumping his elbows into Josh’s stomach. “Unzip it, we can link them together. It’ll be like--”

“If you say peas in a pod, I will kill you,” Tyler said slowly. A grin adorned the red-haired boy’s features as they unzipped their sleeping bags. “See, look at that. You’re completely spitting all over my ground rules.” Tyler grumbled.

“Yeah? What’re you gonna do ‘bout it?” Josh’s voice was quiet, almost too quiet for even himself to understand, but Tyler’s fingers were gripping his jaw and yanking him forward. Josh gasped when he felt Tyler’s lips brush his for a split second..

“Remember when I said I wasn’t finished? Do you _really_ wanna find out what I’m gonna do?” He hissed. Josh could feel the heat of his breath against his lips. He whined quietly, and Tyler chuckled. “Let’s just get some sleep.” He said, twisting up the zippers so it was one huge sleeping bag for them to roll around in. Tyler nuzzled up against Josh, settling his head underneath Josh’s chin and wrapping an arm around his waist. Josh followed suit, linking their legs together and sneaking a warm hand underneath Tyler’s shirt. His friend shivered.

“Ty,” Josh whispered, pressing his lips into the other boy’s hair. He hummed in reply. “What are we?”

“What was that? I can’t hear you,” He could feel Tyler smiling against his chest.

“I _said_ , what are we?” He whispered a little louder.

“Still can’t hear you.” Tyler’s smile grew. Josh snorted, petting the back of Tyler's head as he fell asleep.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i love you all. hit me up on tumblr sometime? i'm @heathnss


	10. X

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *starts screaming* i love u all so much :')
> 
> y'all are gon hate me so bad tho.

Tyler woke up with cold feet.

No, like, his feet were actually cold. He usually slept with socks on (something Ashley made fun of him for _all the time_ ) and couldn’t figure out why he didn’t last night; unless he kicked them off, or Josh stole them, or something. It didn’t really matter, it was just uncomfortable trying to walk around in the tent with nothing on.  
  
He also noticed that Josh wasn’t in the tent. It was still dark outside, so he probably left to pee or something, which also didn’t really matter. He couldn’t make the dude sit there with him all night. He was actually kind of surprised he even wanted to conjoin sleeping bags. Ever since they’d reconnected, Tyler had been ultra-nervous of Josh’s behavior. He was secretly waiting for the day when the other boy would just shove him back out of his life, and while he made serious efforts not to take every indication of negativity from him personally, it often didn’t work out very well. Tyler didn’t trust anyone very much at this point, not even Ashley, and it was _really_ hard to trust Josh when all of his friends didn’t like him. It was just easier to let himself think that Josh didn't like him more often than not.

Which is exactly why he tried not to think about it. He pushed every thought like that to the back of his mind, which was made pretty easy whenever the other guy responded willingly to any contact or invitation to be around him. It made Tyler feel safe, but something in his gut kept him from trusting him completely. It was weird enough that he wanted him to come camping out with the group that hated him, weirder that none of them responded to him very well, even weirder when Josh asked him to tell a story in front of everyone (one that he barely even made up, nonetheless), and weirdest of all that Josh wasn’t there when he woke up.

Whenever his thoughts began to spiral about this sort of thing, he passed it off as tension. Sexual, passive, aggressive, whatever. It was just easier to play it off as something light. For example, when Josh chased him down the driveway the afternoon prior with a promise that Tyler "was going to get it," Tyler's mind immediately sprang towards thoughts of "going to get beaten", "going to get abandoned", things like that. So he passed it off with sexual tension, looking at his friend with a quirked eyebrow and saying "Then give it to me." It allowed the incident to pass without question, because Josh was suddenly uncomfortable and Tyler was able to relish in it for a moment and dispel the other thoughts he had.

However, whenever things happened concerning Josh and Josh  _wasn't there_ , there was no way for Tyler to get himself out of it without music or violence. Because it was the middle of the night, whipping out his ukulele and singing to himself about how shadows will scream that he's alone wasn't really an option, so he started yelling at himself to compensate.

 _Fucking quit_ , Tyler berated himself. _Josh will be right back. He didn’t run off_. Tyler clawed his hands through his hair viciously, throwing socks over his feet and crawling back into their sleeping bag. He closed his eyes and sighed.

When he woke up again, he was still alone. He could see light pouring through the tent and was a little more comforted, but his feet were still cold and his eyes were wet. He threw the sleeping bag away from himself and tugged his sneakers over his feet, stepping out of the tent.

“Oh, hey Tyler! We thought you left with the rest of the guys?” Jenna asked. He turned his head to see her crouched over the fire pit, working on saving the kindling. He walked over and sat on the opposite side.

“Here,” He said, blocking the breeze with his hands as she blew on the brush in the center. “I actually… Didn’t know that they left.” He sighed. It took her a few minutes, but eventually she saved the flame and it slowly started to grow. She scrambled to gather the chopped logs from the trunk of her car.

“Yeah!” She called back. Tyler sat with the fire and tried to make sure it didn’t go out. “They left around 4, I think. Dallon woke us up to tell us. Josh didn’t let you know?” Tyler shook his head as they constructed the logs. She frowned.

“I just woke up and he wasn’t there.” He whipped his hand away as the flame licked at his fingertips. Jenna clapped when the fire stabilized, grabbing a grill top and a carafe of cold water that was sitting nearby. She placed them over the fire and sat back.

“I don’t know, Ty.” He blinked, feeling strangely comforted. “I wouldn’t read into it. Deb does lots of stuff without telling me, like one time she just left my house in the middle of the night and I woke up without her there. I thought I freaked her out, it was our first night together,” Jenna swiped a hand over her nose. “Apparently she just got scared. I wish she would have talked to me about it, but look at us now.” She looked back at the tent for a moment. “I don’t know what I’d do without her.”

“That’s… Almost an exact parallel to what’s happening right now.” Tyler poked the carafe with a plastic fork. Jenna smiled.

“Wouldn’t have told you about it otherwise. Hey, Ty,” He turned his head to look at her. “Look, Debby tells me _everything_. I know about what happened. If it helps, I don’t think you should worry about Josh abandoning you, or about your parents, or anything.” She scooted around to grip his hand. “You’re safe here, even if it doesn’t always seem like it.” Tyler didn’t want to admit his eyes were watering.

“Are you, like, psychic?” He joked, squeezing her hand. She smiled.

“I might be. Do you want to go find the guys?”

“Oh, no. I think… I dunno. I’m just gonna stick around until they get back. Do we have, like, food I can eat? I don’t think--”

“Actually, um.” Jenna cut him off. He quirked an eyebrow. “We brought the coolers, yeah, but a lot of the perishable stuff, like the pancake mix and all the vegetables, got left behind. I was planning on sneaking off to the store at some point, but it probably won’t happen until later tonight. We have, like, Doritos and bananas. Do you want one?” She stood, walking over to the cooler and opening it.

“Nah, I’m okay. Bananas are pretty nasty.”

“ _What?_ ” Jenna gasped, clutching her chest dramatically. “You _heathen_.” She looked at him with gorgeous blue eyes blown wide. They maintained eye contact for a moment before breaking into laughter, Tyler hiding his face in his knees as Jenna wiped her eyes.

* * *

 

The guys returned within the hour, after the water boiled and caffeinated hot chocolate had been made. Tyler was sitting with Jenna and Hayley (Debby still hadn’t gotten up) around the fire in their respective lawn chairs. He refused to watch as they climbed out of the woodwork.

“Hey, guys,” Brendon announced, grabbing a banana from off the cooler. “We found the lake. It’s actually a lot closer than we thought,” He looked to Patrick for confirmation, who nodded. “If you guys wanna go out there sometime today, that would be awesome.” Hayley nodded excitedly, almost dropping her mug. Tyler snorted. He felt a hand run through his hair, and he quickly shook them off.

“Can we talk, later today?” Josh was whispering in his ear. Tyler jumped and glared at him, earning a smile from the other boy.

“Yeah, I guess,” He grumbled. Josh nuzzled his temple. Tyler leaned into it reflexively, blushing when he saw Jenna smiling at them.

The sun barely made its way over the trees when they decided to make the trek to the lake.

“I’m pretty sure we’re the only people out here right now,” Dallon was saying. “We didn’t run into any other campers or see people or _anything_ , so that’s pretty cool.” Tyler nodded along absently, looking at his feet while they walked. Josh had his arm slung over his shoulder. He knew that his friend was used to his silence and didn't suspect anything of it, because they behaved this way a lot when they hung out-- they would sit in casual silence, often in close proximity. It was how they had bonded over the last month-and-a-half; they didn’t need to exchange anything, and parts of both of them didn’t want to. They knew it would open wounds. Most of the friendship they’d rebuilt was founded on the idea that they would pick up right where they left off, and they found it _really successful_ ; it was part of why they were so comfortable being intimate, because their feelings for each other had never gone away and their friendship had “never faded” to begin with.

The lake was only a short walk away. Upon breaking from the trees, everyone was filled with glee and started running towards the water, stripping on their way down. Tyler and Josh were slower than the rest, talking on their way to the water.

“Look, I was hoping to actually get an answer from you, last night,” Josh smiled. Tyler looked at him curiously. “I really don’t know what’s going on with us. I mean, wowee, two solid makeouts in two months? We’re really moving fast.” He was laughing. Tyler had no choice but to smile back.

“Okay, what do you want to be?” He nudged Josh with his elbow. Inside, Tyler’s insides were starting to shrivel up.

“What about be--”

“Hey, gays!” Pete shouted from the water. “You gonna get in? It’s pretty nice!”

Tyler winked at his friend, secretly eager to avoid the question. He started walking backwards from Josh, taking his shirt off in time with his friend and laughing as they raced to the water. The dropoff from the pebbles was actually pretty close to shore, startling Tyler when he sank much faster than he expected to.

Tyler didn't have time to collect a breath and he wasn't sure that Josh did either, but his friend was tugging him farther from the shore as he struggled. It was only a few seconds before the red-haired boy was pulling them up from the water again, talking quickly as he hugged Tyler to his chest.

“Don't try and run away, jerkoff,” He mumbled in Tyler’s ear. The other wrapped his arms around Josh’s shoulders to keep him grounded. “I really wanna talk to you. I don't think the others will hear me,” He wrapped one arm around Tyler’s ribs as he peered back towards the shore. The others were at least 300 yards from them, easing Josh’s concerns. “Okay, um,”

“I'm not like, the best swi--”

“Hold on, Ty, please, just let me,” Josh leaned in to rest his forehead against his friend’s. His breathing was shallow as he kept the both of them afloat, hair slick against his forehead. “Look, I know I said things are going fast, but that didn't mean I didn't like it.” He pressed a chaste kiss to Tyler’s cheekbone.

“I know, J,”

“And I really need you to know,” Josh continued. “I really… It's impo-- _you're_ important to me, Ty.” He wrapped his other arm around Tyler’s hips, tugging him closer. “I really care about you, and I fu-- I fucking _can't_ lose you again, and I need to know that I won't. I _know_ you care about me and it's okay that you don't talk about it,”

“Josh, please,”

“Tyler, I love you. I'm so in love with you. I'm so fucked, I can't help it.” Josh's voice was harsh and wet, like he was crying. Tyler kept searching his face for something, _anything_ , but his eyes were closed too hard and everything was wet and uneven, he couldn't focus for long enough on anything but his friend’s words. “I love you so much. I have been everyday since I've known you and I know, I _know_ it's only been like two months but I love you. I love every inch of you. Inside and out. I love your skin and your tan lines and your tattoos, I love the little burns on your chest and itty bitty scars, I love the slope of your nose and your crooked little teeth, I love your eyelashes and the way your hair doesn't do anything you want it to, I love how passionate you are and how quiet you are, I love the--”

“Dude, Josh, please, please,” Tyler was hissing in his ear. Josh opened his stupid doe eyes, his stupid brown fucking pools of molten lava and everything the earth and the stars are made of, he opened his stupid eyes that were rimmed with veins and the kind of pained red blossoming from his irises that Tyler never wanted to see again and it was just like seventh grade. It was just like the night inside of Josh’s bedroom where Tyler wanted so _badly_ to kiss away every inch of doubt in Josh’s fiery bones, so he did. He kissed him right there in the middle of Leesville Lake and he kissed him _hard_ , hard enough to bruise and leave both of them breathless.

One of his palms were in Tyler’s hair, holding them in place as Tyler’s own rigid palms held the crests between Josh’s neck and shoulders. It was deep and it was _scorching_ , sopping wet and merciless for a moment, but it stopped when the dark-haired boy paused to feel Josh shaking in his grip. He pulled away for a moment (long enough for Josh to _whimper_ , holy shit) and leaned back in to create something softer, more tender and eager to show Josh that leaving wasn't an option.

“I love you so bad,” Tyler murmured against his lips. “I love you like nothing else, like everything and nothing I've ever wanted, like I'm falling, but I'm taking my time,”

“Ty,” Josh whispered breathlessly, his lips not moving from his friend’s. “You sound like you're about to start singing.”

“J, can you fuck off?”

“Kinky.” Josh laughed as Tyler pulled away to give him a look.

“That. Was my thing,” He said, still a little breathless.

“It's about to be mine,” The older boy said as he drifted a hand to Tyler’s butt, pinching lightly. Tyler gasped and shoved Josh away as the other boy laughed hysterically.

* * *

 

“Where'd you boys sneak off to?” Debby asked, drying off her hair back at the camp. Josh winked at her, and she winked back with a giggle.

“Hey, um,” Tyler tapped the other boy on the shoulder. “I'm gonna change. Josh nodded to him, tugging him closer.

“Tune your uke, we’re gonna have a good time tonight.” He murmured into his ear. Tyler smiled weakly, disappearing into the tent. Inside, he pulled on some sweatpants and a loose shirt, drying himself off completely before plucking the instrument from its case. He usually wasn’t nervous about singing or playing in front of anyone, but he knew that tonight it was under scrutiny, and for some reason that made his fingers shaky as he strummed out a couple chords to himself.

He laid down on the sleeping back and stared at the ceiling for a little while, shifting around to watch the falling light. Tyler knew he wasn’t exactly welcome amongst Josh’s friends and sure, while they were kind, he could tell they’d rather be without him. The longer he sat in the tent and plucked out _Am F C Dm, Am F C_ over and again to himself, the emptier he felt as the voices of everyone else on the grounds swallowed him whole.

It took Tyler about an hour to get himself out of his funk. He refused to let himself think about the hole in the stomach over the fact that Josh never came to grab him, never came to check on him and sat the ukulele back in its case. He clasped it shut and ran a hand through his hair. There shouldn’t be anything to worry about, he decided.

Tyler only let himself sulk for about thirty more seconds when he started to clamber to the door, only to be greeted by Patrick unzipping it and falling to his knees.

“Dude, what happened? Are you--” Tyler started, gripping Patrick’s shoulder. The other boy looked at him pleadingly.

“They, my inhaler, I can’t, I can’t--” Patrick wheezed, coughing into his fist.

“Okay, um, where did you leave it?” Tyler helped the other boy to a seat around the fire, where… No one was seated. Tyler squinted, but his attention was torn back to Patrick as he wheezed again.

“Lake, I th-- it, the lake,” He pointed towards the woods from earlier, and Tyler nodded.

“Okay, okay. I’ll be right back, okay? Just keep trying to breathe, I’ll be right back.” He rubbed Patrick’s shoulder and took off through the trees. As soon as Tyler was out of his sight, Patrick sat back up in the chair with a guilty look on his face.

“Dude, it’s okay.” Pete came up from behind him and squeezed his shoulders. “You did your part. We got the rest.”

“I don’t really… He doesn’t deserve this.” Patrick stood up and turned to his friend. “He’s just trying to be friendly.”

“Yeah, well, no amount of _friendly_ can get him out of this.” Brendon said, pouring a bottle of water over the fire and grabbing a couple chairs. “I’m just glad we got Jenna to take Josh to the store. For a second, it really looked like he wasn’t gonna go.”

“Well… He did.” Debby grabbed a couple more chairs and threw them into Brendon and Dallon’s tent with the others before taking the chips out of the ground, watching it collapse. “Let’s get a move on, we don’t know how fast he’s moving.”

The six of them quickly got to work, disassembling the entire camp and throwing pieces into the SUV as they went. At the pace they were moving, they neglected to remove things from the tents (or even the rods that held them together) and simply crunched everything together. It didn’t take very long before they were dragging their feet through the ground to cover up the fact they were there at all, leaving nothing but the crispy fire pit as evidence.

They got into the Tahoe and drove a couple miles down the road to another campsite Pete had spied out earlier in the afternoon (part of the reason they were gone so long) and pulled everything back out just as quickly. They took a little more time to reassemble the mess to make it nearly identical to the other site, and found it pretty easy once they established a place for the fire. They nailed the tents into the ground and got the kindling going in time for Jenna’s sedan to pull into the dirt adjacent to the SUV.

“The drive seemed shorter, somehow,” Josh commented. Patrick broke into a sweat, and Pete patted his back comfortingly, swiping a finger across his own neck to tell him to keep it cool. Jenna only laughed uncomfortably. Apparently, Brendon couldn’t help himself.

“That’s because it _is_ ,” He squealed. Josh quirked an eyebrow.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“The drive _is_ shorter.” He clapped. “We moved the campsite a couple miles up the road. Pretty cool, huh?”

“Uh, sure,” Josh said. Jenna closed the trunk once they were efficiently unpacked and settled on Debby’s lap in a lawn chair. Josh sat down in his own, peeking around before asking, “Where’s Tyler at?”

“That’s the _best part_ ,” Pete smiled wickedly. “We left _without_ him.”


	11. XI

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> public shoutout to users @hufflepuffsarenotweak and @vickeelyn for teaching me how to rip out hearts nice and proper
> 
> y'all gon hate me so bad. just be patient ok it has to get worse before it gets better & when it gets better it will get a LOT better

“Wait,” Josh stood up, eyes blown wide. “You… You left him at the other place? Does he even know?”

“No, that’s the thing. We _left him_ _out there_.” Pete’s smile grew.

“You did _not_.” Josh’s voice was filled with disbelief as he searched for some sort of answer in everyone’s faces. His heart fell into his shoes when Patrick nodded meekly. “What the fuck, you guys? Why did you do that?” He yelled. “He doesn’t-- He just wants to get along with you guys? He probably thinks I--” Josh faltered, moisture prickling in the corners of his eyes. “Oh my god. He’s probably lost, he’s-- Jesus Christ, you guys, what the hell?” He grabbed his jacket and sprinted out of the site, running as fast as he could through the woods to find the old site.

“Josh, wait, hold on,” Dallon yelled. Josh turned on his heel to face him as he pulled the jacket over his shoulders. “Do you think he misses you?” Dallon sputtered, barely stifling a smile. Josh scowled at him and ran through the trees, not waiting for a response.

He sprinted through the forest, breath heavy and feet loud as they crunched twigs and skidded through the dirt. Josh whipped through and around the trees, eyes squinting further and further as the light faded-- which was a lot quicker than he thought it would be. Soon enough, he was treading through pitch darkness with nothing but his phone’s flashlight to lead him through the woodwork.  


Somewhere else, Tyler was having the worst anxiety attack he’d had since he was 14. It seemed like the whole world was fuzzy at the edges and he couldn’t figure out why, he couldn’t figure out where he was and he couldn’t feel anything. He didn’t grab his phone before he left because he was confident it would only take him a few minutes, but he never found Patrick’s inhaler and he never found the camp, either.

He noticed it was getting too dark to keep looking on the sandbar pretty quickly, so he began his way back. He was fairly certain he knew the way, but only an empty campground greeted him back the way he came. He ventured around for a few minutes to see if he had just simply gone to the wrong site, but after squinting around and stumbling over a plastic nail on the ground, which he quickly realized belonged to a tent, he realized something horrible.

They’d left without him. They’d left him at the campsite to sit by himself with no fire overnight, and that was when he truly started spiralling. He figured it out all too quickly -- Josh took him out here to prove a point. His friends came to him one night and they all started plotting how to make Tyler understand that they didn’t want him around, just like he’d been fearing, so they took him camping. Josh would try and make Tyler feel welcome, but after it didn’t work out and he _knew_ the tattooed boy would be struggling, he’d confess some sort of faulty love to him. That’s exactly what it was. He made himself seem desperately in love with Tyler and then just like that, he would leave. They would all leave, leave behind Patrick to fool Tyler into getting out of the way so they could leave with all their things in tow, and then Tyler would come back to discover it. That’s _exactly_ what happened, and he knew it. He knew it.

Tyler put his elbows on his knees and fisted his hands in his hair as he sat in front of the pit of char. He could feel moisture on his cheeks but he wasn’t sure if he was crying. He groaned and leaned forward to put his head between his knees and try and correct his breathing, but he couldn’t get his mind to stop going in circles.

_Josh was toying with me, playing me and giving me what I deserved for leaving him all those years ago. That’s been his plan all along. He doesn’t care. No one cares. There’s nothing for me here. I have to go back to Cinnci. I can’t be here. No one wants me here. Josh doesn’t want me._

He kept swinging lower on the ladder until he gasped, releasing his hands from his hair and standing up to stumble around the campsite in the darkness. He leaned his forehead against a tree and punched it as hard as he could, feeling his knuckles pop horribly. He hissed and tripped backwards, landing on his butt and groaning. This was going to be it for him. He was leaving. He was leaving and he was _not_ going to come back, not after this. His parents hated him, Josh hated him, he hated _himself_.  


Josh was still sprinting, calling out his friend’s name over and over with each breath. There were no replies for a _long time_ , all he ever got back was far off animal noises or twigs snapping under the soles of his shoes. Eventually, he tripped over a stray root and his phone went flying from his hands, forcing him to land on his stomach. He grunted as he hit the ground and laid there for a moment, groaning in frustration. He rolled onto his back, coughing into the open air and weakly calling out,

“Tyler?” Nothing happened. He sighed, lifting himself up from the ground and grabbing his phone (the flashlight was facing upwards, thankfully). He pointed it outward again, scanning the area in the trees when the light passed over a clearing. He jogged towards it, feet stomping on the ground and echoing through the night. “Tyler?” He called again. “Ty, can you hear me? Are you--”

“Josh,” He heard. The red-haired boy turned on his heel and saw his friend sitting at the abandoned fire pit, eyes puffy and cheeks stained with tears. His hair was ruffled and his, _fuck_. Josh stopped for a second. Why were Tyler’s fingers bloody? “What… Why are you out here?” Tyler squinted his eyes.

“Oh my god, Ty, I’m _so_ sorry, I had no idea--”

“Don’t pull that shit,” Tyler hissed, standing up slowly. The flashlight bleached his skin, making him look sickly. “I _know_ you did that on purpose. I fucking know you dragged me out here so you could humiliate me in front of your friends with something incredibly personal,” Wait.

“What are you talking about?” Josh’s voice was gentle, but Tyler didn’t buy it for a second.

“Did you think I made that up, Josh?” His hands balled into fists. Josh looked at his hands and suddenly understood: Tyler’s fingernails had clawed open his own palms. “Meg Myers died right in front of me. You _knew_ that. Fucking Woodland Hills, you _knew_ it was Woodbury in Cinncinati and you _knew_ I would tell that story,”

“Tyler, please, calm down, I don’t even--”

“It doesn’t matter.” Tyler snapped. Tears started blurring his vision. “I know you dragged me out here so you could fucking leave, and that’s fine, you know? It’s fine that you don’t want me around, Josh, but the very least you could _fucking do_ was tell me. I know you’re just trying to get back at me, but to leave me in the middle of the fucking woods? Right after you tell me how desperately in love with me you are, right after-- Jesus, do you see where I’m going?” Tyler was yelling. Josh could feel that he was crying, but he couldn’t do anything to stop it as he watched his friend. He was shaking all over, fear and confusion building in his stomach.

“T-Tyl--”

“It’s _fine_ that you don’t want me around. I _knew_ you hadn’t since day one. I didn’t know _why_ you wanted to get so close when you were going to pull something like this, I don’t know why I didn’t do anything to stop it, but you could have saved me the pain and humiliation of _this_. The worst part is that I wasn’t even fucking lying, Josh! I do love you, I love you with every fiber of my being, but if you’re going to sit there and tell me you feel the same and then take off with your friends, who are _not_ quiet about how much they hate me, and then fucking abandon me in the middle of the woods? That’s really low, Josh.” His hands were still in fists, tears openly streaming down both of their faces as they stared at each other over the flashlight.

“Tyler, I’m, I don’t know what,” He was choking on his words. He watched as the other boy ran shaking hands through his hair and paced around for a moment before looking back at him.

“You don’t need to tell me anything. I know what you’re feeling. But do me a favor? Don’t come fucking looking for me this time.” He jabbed a finger into Josh’s chest, feeling the other boy’s chest heave before stepping away.

Josh stood frozen in the darkness, his breathing harsh and uneven. He dropped his phone to the ground and stumbled backward, eventually backing into the same tree Tyler busted his fingers on earlier. He clutched at his chest, tears streaming down his face. The red-haired boy couldn’t gather a coherent thought, his mind diving up and down as he tried to process what happened, but he _couldn’t_. He could barely remember what just happened. His back slid down the trunk and as he hit the ground, he heaved a solid breath before sobbing into his knees.

Josh did _not_ hate Tyler, not even close to it. He loved the boy so much, just looking at him made his heart pound right out of his chest. He loved everything last thing about the other boy and the idea that Tyler didn’t know that, the idea that the other boy thought he hated him made his heart almost stop beating.

He couldn’t handle it. He tore his jacket from his chest and threw it away from him, taking off his shirt and trying to get the cool air to freeze him solid so he didn’t have to deal with the gaping hole in his stomach, the boiling in his throat and fingers _go away_ but it wouldn’t.

“Dude, Josh, oh my god,” He faintly heard. The blood was pounding too hard in his ears for him to make out what they said next, but he felt a solid weight picking him up under his arms and walking him back to the campsite.

* * *

 

It took a while, but Josh came down from the panic attack. He was forcefed some ice water and Jenna practiced some typical grounding exercises with him, eventually getting him to form coherent thoughts.

“He left,” Is all he would say. Jenna understood, giving death glares to the others in the camp (especially Debby). She put a blanket over his shoulders and rubbed his back in slow circles, and sure enough, Josh was asleep before he could say anything else.

* * *

 

He woke up in the backseat of Jenna’s Focus.

“Where--”

“Shh,” He heard. He tossed his head to the left and saw Patrick sitting on the other side, and suddenly felt a downpour of emotions spilling out of the hole in his stomach. It was sore and every part of him throbbed in exhaustion, apparently groaning from it loud enough to disturb Patrick again. “Dude, please, we’re just taking you home.” Patrick looked deathly. He had purple bags under his eyes and was shaking minutely, his lips white and figure slouched. Josh scrunched his eyebrows together.

“Look, um. Jenna and I were never really part of the plan, but we knew we couldn’t say no. We went looking for you after you ran off, and we’re taking you home now. We’re skipping out on the rest of the trip.” He tapped his fingers on his thigh, avoiding eye contact and leaning his head against the glass. Josh felt around for a moment and found that he was already buckled in, a blanket ( _Tyler’s_ blanket) swaddling him. He blinked a few times.

“Feels like I’m hungover.” He mumbled.

“I bet.” Patrick sighed.

“Where’s Jen?” He removed an arm to wipe at his eyes.

“We’re parked on the side of the highway right now. Debby called and she didn’t wanna wake you up, so she pulled over and got out to talk.” Josh leaned back into the headrest and sighed. He wasn’t sure where Tyler went, and he could feel his eyes welling up at the thought of him. He tensed and tried to get himself to calm down, but he could tell he wasn’t having a lot of success. He groaned and smacked the side of his head against the window. Patrick gave him a look of concern.

For the next hour, the three of them drove in an exhausting silence. Josh wanted to sleep for the rest of his life, Jenna just wanted Debby to apologize and Patrick wanted everyone to feel better. None of them even looked in the direction of the other until they parked in front of Josh’s house (his parents weren’t home, thank god) and helped carry his stuff back into his house.

“Are you sure you’re okay to be alone?” Jenna asked. Josh nodded as he laid down on his bed. Patrick laid down the duffle bag -- which still had a lot of Tyler’s things in it -- on his desk.

“Do you need anything?” He asked.

“Can, um.” He wiped at his eyes. “Ty’s stuff is, is still in there.” Patrick nodded and unzipped the bag.

“Speaking of Tyler’s stuff…” Jenna trailed off, plucking through the bag with Patrick. “Um, his uke didn’t survive the trip as they moved campsites. I never got the chance to give it back to him, but… Yeah. Just so you know.” She set his drumsticks on the stool of the kit and folded his clothes. Josh watched her out of the corner of his eyes. Patrick gathered Tyler’s stuff in a plastic bag.

“You guys are… Why did you get in on it? Did you guys think Tyler would be okay with it, that I would be okay with it?” He asked.

“Um, okay so… A couple hours before we left, Brendon and Pete called everyone to let them know about the plan, and just about everyone was in on it. But, look, just because we don’t agree with Tyler’s actions doesn’t mean he’s a bad guy. It was easy enough to see how much you cared about him, and we really wanted to support you guys.” Patrick said, sitting down in the desk chair and rolling over to Josh’s bedside.

“Yeah, so when they came to us and we said no, it didn’t go over so well. So Trick and I got together and agreed to be the fallback plan, because we knew it wasn’t going to go over so well. I only agreed to get you out of the campsite because I knew Debby and I were going to fight about it, and the same with Pete and Trick.” Jenna sat on the edge of the bed near his feet.

“You guys didn’t… Okay, I just. I want to explain all this to Tyler, but he was too upset for me to get through to him. Do you guys--”

“Um, we don’t know how to contact him.” Patrick cut in. “We called Ashley this morning to see if he showed up to her house, because he left his phone, so we wouldn’t know how to get him directly. She said he hadn’t shown up. We don’t know where he’s at, like at all.” Josh’s eyes drifted to Jenna, whose nodded guiltily.

“Please tell me you’re joking,” Josh’s voice was small. Jenna shook her head, patting his knee. “Fuck, I… Do we still have his phone?”

“Oh, yeah,” Patrick dug through the bag, eventually tossing out his friend’s phone. Josh cradled it gently in his shaking palms, feeling his vision start to blur again. He dialed out the passcode (0593, 0-J-W-D) and heard it click. The homescreen was neatly organized. Josh sighed.

“Thank you, guys.”

* * *

 

The first week week was hell. Real hell. Hell was on Earth, Josh was sure of it. He was constantly crying, and he barely left his room because he was having a horrid time keeping composure. His mother noticed it, his siblings noticed it, and he was pretty sure the neighbors three blocks away knew it.  
  
He wanted to die. He'd decided it on the first night, especially after looking through Tyler's phone a solid six or seven times and finding song lyrics he wasn't sure if his friend had written down anywhere else, or if he'd ever get them back. 

* * *

 

The second week was worse. The second week was active suffering. Being awake was suffering. Sleeping was suffering. Eating was suffering, washing his face was suffering, he couldn’t even look at himself in the mirror.

He wanted _so badly_ to apologize to Tyler and tell him that he wasn’t involved. Some part of Josh didn’t even care if his friend never wanted to see him again, after that, he just wanted for it to end on a better note. He _needed_ it to end on a better note. He didn’t know what to do.

The worst part was that no one was talking to him. His parents were so distant after their fight a couple weeks ago that Josh wasn’t sure if they even lived in the same house sometimes, and he was never really close with his siblings (the age gap was huge). It’s not like they would understand anyway. None of his friends contacted him. Not Patrick, not Jenna, not Debby, no one. He wasn’t about to reach out to them, either. If he was honest with himself, he wanted to leave everyone behind after that. He never wanted to see Dallon or Pete again. Or Brendon, he guessed. Brendon was the guy who came up with the stupid fucking idea in the first place.

He kept playing with Tyler’s phone. He kept playing Candy Crush and Crossy Road, looking through his notes and messages (the guy only had two inboxes, Josh and Ashley), and was too nervous to explore anything else. Eventually he did find the courage to open up his photos, and he really fucking wished he didn’t. Tyler’s photos were cluttered and unorganized, but that wasn’t a big deal. The content of the photos were what messed him up.

There were a _ton_ of photos of him and Josh. He flipped through them quickly, refusing to look at them for too long in case it made him emotional (he’d had _enough_ of that recently, if you’d asked him), but he stopped on one that made him want to scream.

[ This was just two weeks ago. Right after he chased Tyler down in the Buick. Right after Tyler woke up, Josh grabbed his friend’s phone from the cupholder and held it up, flashing a photo and not even looking at it but he _knew_ this was it. He started shaking. ](https://www.instagram.com/p/2rqXJKIcgm/?taken-by=joshuadun)

Josh threw the phone down on his bed, smudging the tears from his eyes and shoving his face back into his pillow. He couldn’t do this. He couldn’t handle losing Tyler again. He couldn’t handle knowing that this boy thought he’d betrayed him so badly. The red-haired boy fisted his hands in his hair and sat up sharply, stumbling out of his bed and clambering towards the bathroom. He couldn’t do it. He couldn’t do this. He couldn’t do this. He couldn’t do this. He couldn’t do this.


	12. XII

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> some filler and some plot. have a good time with it, and please talk to me some more <3 all the comments make me so happy, you guys don't even know. they make my whole day better.

Josh sat on the floor of the shower as scorching water soaked him to the core. His skin was on fire, droplets of blood falling from his fingertips turning watery as they slithered down the drain. He was patting down his forearms with a washcloth in an attempt to clot the bleeding. A razor sat discarded on the edge of the tub, and eyes kept wandering to it every time he felt his stomach churn, but he picked up the courage to flick it to the floor.

He wasn’t even surprised that he was still crying. His eyes were puffy and his head was aching horribly, his nose was running and his whole body wracked with shivers every time a dry sob escaped his lips.

This was the lowest Josh had ever been, he’d decided. He couldn’t remember it being nearly this bad when Tyler left the first time. He wasn’t sure what made this different, but part of him couldn’t care to figure it out. He just wanted to die. Everything was hurting and he couldn’t feel his fingers and toes, part of him was sure he’d gone deaf because the world was so _quiet_ without Tyler. Without Debby. Without Pete and Patrick, without _anyone_.

He eventually turned off the shower and got back into bed, turning off all the lights and going through Tyler’s pictures again.

* * *

 

“I don’t want to talk about this anymore.” Jenna was sitting on the kitchen counter while Debby tossed vegetables in a skillet. She crossed her arms over her chest and leaned the back of her head against the cabinet, eyes downcast.

“I’m just saying, Jen, please,” Debby squeezed her knee gently. “I feel really bad about what happened, but to some degree, I think it was the right thing to do. Tyler is just poison for Josh. The way we went about it was completely inappropriate, but… It was effective.”

“Deb, I told you, I don’t--”

“Okay, if you don’t want to talk, then please just listen.” Debby stepped away from the stove, over to Jenna and nestling between her girlfriend’s knees. “Josh _needed_ that, and so did Tyler. Neither of them realize it yet, but one day, they’ll realize they’re fine without each other. I mean, when you met Josh, he was still in a weird recovery stage. And then he was fine for a _long time_ . He was great. I’m pretty sure that’s the best I’ve ever seen him, and then five weeks before school ends, he’s suddenly in outer space again because a boy who _broke his heart_ wants to mend things.”

“Debby,” Jenna sighed, swiping a piece of the girl’s red locks away from her cheek, but the other girl cut her off.

“Look at this from my perspective. One of your best friends gets their heart absolutely obliterated, and then the person who obliterated it is back and ready to make things right. Wouldn’t you want to keep them apart, for their own good?” Jenna frowned.

“Okay, look at it from _my_ perspective,” Jenna whispered, stroking Debby’s cheek. “For one thing, I’m tired of being mad at you about this, so if we could stop talking about it, it would help me out a lot. It would also help me out if you _apologized_ to Tyler and Josh, but that’s beside the point. Think about how close you and I are, how well we connect.” She poked Debby’s nose with her pinky. “That’s how they are, with each other. But they’ve known each other twice as long, and over a much more transformative period of their lives. Kindergarten, Deb. They were attached at the hip. Just like we are.”

“Okay, that doesn’t mean--”

“It _means_ ,” Jenna raised her eyebrows, silencing her girlfriend. “It means that they’re just like you and me. They’re just boys, is all. Imagine if I suddenly ran out on you and came back a couple years later, but none of the feelings every went away. Wouldn’t you want to… Pick up where we left off? Even if it felt weird at first?”

Debby visibly deflated, her eyes dropping and fingers loosening from Jenna’s knees.

“I… Never thought of that.” She whispered. Jenna nodded, petting her hair.

“I know, it’s okay. Have you heard from either of them?” Debby shook her head.

* * *

 

Isolation wasn’t good for Josh, he learned over the next two weeks. Josh felt an emptiness like he never had before, and part of him was certain it was because he didn’t have anyone to talk to or see. It didn’t burn him, no, but it sure ached like hell. He felt exhausted and emaciated, he couldn’t remember the last time he’d eaten and was constantly on the verge of crying. Most of the time, he just laid on his stomach and tapped through photos Tyler left on his phone, reread the notes and text messages, and just _ached_ uncontrollably.

If he was honest with himself, he was on a downward spiral he couldn’t come out of. He couldn’t help himself from thinking about how much easier this would be to handle if he were just dead, and the longer he sat alone, the more viable it seemed as an option.

10 weeks ago, Tyler Joseph walked back into Josh Dun’s life and ruined him all over again, and 10 weeks later Josh Dun was sitting in front of his drum kit with his fingers beaten and bloody from beating the crap out of his instrument. He’d punched through the lower tom-tom and broken one of the sticks against the lugs, and now he just sat on the stool with puffy eyes and a pounding headache.

His stare was dead. He wasn’t registering what was in front of him and he couldn’t feel his hands throbbing, he couldn’t hear the symbol’s faded crashes still ringing throughout the room. He picked up the remaining drumstick and fiddled with it between his trembling fingers, smearing blood on the tough material. It dropped from his hand and thudded emptily on the carpet.

* * *

 

“Is it weird to you that we haven’t heard from him in a while?” Patrick laid his head on Pete’s shoulder. They were situated on the couch in Pete’s bedroom, watching a rerun of something neither of them really recognized. Pete twisted his neck to see his… Well, he wasn’t sure what they were. Inexclusive boyfriends, he guessed.

“Who? J?” He wrapped an arm around Patrick and hugged him closer to his side.

“Yeah. I’m getting kind of worried, honestly.”

“You worry about everything, Trick. It’ll be okay. He’s okay.” Pete kissed the top of his head.

“I don’t know, man. I kind of want to call him, or something? I know Josh has never had problems reaching out in the past, but that was a really serious thing that happened. I know I wouldn’t be doing so well.” Patrick shifted against the other boy, turning so that he was making eye contact while leaning on his side. “I’m just worried. He’d reach out to _us_ if we were having a problem like that.”

“Listen,” Pete grunted as he turned to face Patrick properly. “Josh can handle this. If he needs us, he’ll come to us. Can we watch the movie?”

“Look, I’m just gonna go over and make sure he’s doing okay.” Patrick shrugged off Pete’s arm and grabbed his jacket from the coat rack next to the door. “I mean, imagine what he’s going through right now. What if you had lost me overnight? Think about how you would be coping.”

Pete deflated, running a hand through his hair and shrugging guiltily.

“Look, Pat, I _know_ you feel bad for the guy, but he’ll come around when he’s ready.”

“I’m just going to make sure. I’ll be back in an hour. Don’t start the next movie without me. I love you?” He said lightly, pecking a kiss to his cheek and gliding out of the door and outside.

He drove to Josh’s house and parked at the foot of the driveway, effectively blocking in Mrs. Dun’s little Corolla. He stepped out and made sure the lock beeped 3, 4, 5 times before walking up the driveway and ringing the doorbell. Josh’s mother greeted him happily.

“Oh, hello! I’m assuming you’re here to see Josh?” She opened the door and gestured for him to come in.

“Hi! Yeah, I just want to check in on him. He hasn’t really been in contact with anyone since the fight, or… Any of us, at least. I just want to make sure he’s doing okay.” His mother grimaced.

“Well, I’m just gonna warn you, he hasn’t been doing okay. He doesn’t come out of his room much, but he sure does love his drums,” She laughed weakly. “I’m glad you’re here to talk to him. Hopefully it’ll help him out.” She gestured to the stairs. Patrick nodded gratefully and trotted up the steps, hanging a right at the bannister and knocking on Josh’s bedroom door.

“Hey man, it’s me, Trick.” He put his hand on the knob. “I just wanna see how you’re doing. Can I come in?” There wasn’t a response. Patrick quirked an eyebrow. Josh must be asleep, he guessed. “I hope you’re not naked, or anything,” He chuckled and swung the door open. He gasped

“Oh, shit, dude,” Patrick whispered, clamping a hand over his mouth.

“Why’re you here?” Josh murmured from his spot on the floor. His voice was shot and he looked like death. “I was gonna let you in, but I don’t have very much feeling in my legs.”

“Yeah, I… I can tell,” Patrick walked over and sat perpendicular to his friend. “When’s the last time you took a shower? Like, a real shower?” His voice was barely above a whisper. He reached out and put his palm between Josh’s shoulder blades.

“Uhm,” Josh cleared his throat, but it didn’t help much. “I… I don’t know.”

“Do you want to take one? You look like hell.”

“I _feel_ like hell,” Josh whispered, clenching his fists. Patrick took his hand away and grabbed Josh’s. “I don’t know if I can even… What am I supposed to do, Patrick?”

“I wasn’t kidding about the shower, dude. It might sound crazy, but you’ll feel a lot better once you’re cleaned up, I promise.”

After Josh’s shower, the duo sat on his bed and Josh explained everything he’d felt over the last few weeks. He didn't tell Patrick about how much he’d hurt himself, but he was pretty sure the other boy got the gist of it. Patrick's concern for his friend didn't lessen any by the time Josh was done talking, and instead, he offered Josh a place to stay while grieved.

“It's really okay, man.” Josh was saying, his voice shot. He was angrily wiping tears from his cheeks while Patrick replied.

“If you're sure, I'll leave you alone about it. I really need to know that you're safe, though.”

“Had I known that you guys were actually this concerned about me and not waiting for me to drop off the face of the planet like,” He swallowed. “Like Ty did, I would have said something.”

* * *

 

 

It took another week for Josh to leave the house. Eventually, Debby had come forward to apologize and Josh didn't exactly forgive her, but he agreed to move on from it. Debby then asked if he wanted to hang out at the park down the street with her, Jenna, and the gang, and he feebly agreed.

“The gang” only turned out to be Debby, Jenna, and Patrick (who forced Pete to stay home; apparently the guy didn't know anything about what was going on with Josh, and Patrick wanted it to stay that way). When Josh sat down at the wooden table, he felt Tyler’s phone dig into his thigh and he sighed.

“I'm glad you're here.” Jenna squeezed his arm comfortingly, and he smiled back at her.

“I thought all of us were gonna be here?” He asked quietly, tugging his beanie down over his ears. Patrick shook his head.

“Actually, we… Have a proposition for you.” He said. Josh quirked an eyebrow. Patrick looked to the girls for a moment, and nodded to them. “I think it would be best, honestly.” Jenna hummed in agreement while Debby put her elbows on the table. “Josh, have you talked to anyone but us recently?” The boy in question quirked an eyebrow and shook his head.

“No, why?”

“Okay, see. Just listen for a second. About four weeks ago, Ashley called Debby and asked if she’d seen Tyler or anything, or if he was with you, or, y’know, stuff like that. Debby said no and asked why, and apparently Tyler had come home. _But,_ ” He raised a finger to Josh, who’d opened his mouth. “ _B_ _ut_ , he left. He stayed in his room for a few days straight, and when Ashley went to check on him, he was gone. And that was it, I guess, but… Remember Melanie Martinez?” Josh nodded, his eyes narrowing in confusion.

“What about her?”

“When Tyler came back in April, I guess the very first person he contacted was Melanie, because he thought he could stay with her, but they had a really bad falling out. I guess a mutual friend died and he didn’t tell her about it, or something. It was after that, that he got in touch with Ashley and stuff. When Tyler left, Ashley called Melanie to see if she knew anything, and she said she actually knew where he was.” Patrick swallowed and waited for Josh to take in the information, but he didn’t have a visible reaction. “Okay, um. Yeah.

“She said he went out to Cinnci again. She didn’t know what for or anything, but he’s out there. If you want to, we could go find him, and you guys could duke it out, or something.” Patrick scooted away a bit. Josh’s eyes drifted away from Patrick, and he closed them tightly.

“And… You’re sure he’s out there?” Patrick could barely hear his friend’s voice.

“Yes,” Jenna said quietly. Josh turned to her for a moment. “Melanie told us about the place he stayed last time, and if he's in Cinnci, he's probably staying there.” Josh sighed deeply, pulling his beanie down further and pinching the bridge between his eyes.

“What if he doesn’t want to see me?” He murmured, voice cracking. Silence swept the table for a moment before Jenna smacked her lips and tugged on Josh’s wrist, pulling it away from his face. His eyes were bloodshot. She frowned.

“Josh, have you ever heard the saying about how if you love someone, let them go?” She murmured. He nodded, using his sleeve other to wipe his eyes. “And how if love you too, they’ll come back? Well Tyler _did_. He’s just scared. Now, you have to come back to _him_.” Josh froze, the corner of his sleeve still digging into his eyelid as he looked down from Jenna. She was still holding his hand gently, stroking his index finger with her thumb comfortingly.

 _Yeah, she’s actually an angel_ , Josh thought for a moment. He sniffled and nodded to her, turning over his wrist to squeeze her hand back.

“Yeah, okay, I… Okay. Let’s go.” He smiled weakly when Patrick raised his fist in triumph and Debby laughed, all the woe gone from her expression.  
  


“My mom can’t know we’re leaving,” He said. Patrick opened his closet door and pointed to it while he ran to the bathroom to get Josh’s things. Josh threw a changes of clothes into the duffle bag, his phone charger, and his own phone (Tyler’s wasn’t leaving his pocket for anything). Patrick came back within the minute and stuffed the bag with toiletries as Josh reached into the top shelf of his closet and grabbed out a rolled up sweatshirt, placing it on top of everything and zipping it shut. “She’ll kill me for trying to find Ty again. Are you sure we should leave right now?”

“I think it’s for the best,” Patrick said, throwing a pair of keys at Josh. He caught them in his left hand, eyeing his friend curiously. “I’m walking back to my place, I live on the other side of the street.”

“Wait, what? I thought you lived two down from Dallon?” Josh put the keys in the pocket of his hoodie and threw the bag over his shoulder. Patrick looked at him incredulously.

“Jesus, dude, I moved there like seven months ago? Whatever, it’s not important right now. I’m gonna go downstairs and once I’m outside, throw your bag down to me. Then run outside after me and tell your mom I forgot my keys, or something. Then you’ll go grab Denna--”

“Denna?”

“Debby and Jenna. Pete came up with it. You’ll go grab them, then swing around and get me. We’ll hit the road. Sound good?” Patrick clapped him on the shoulder, and Josh felt all the air leave his lungs. They were really doing this. He nodded, pulling Patrick into a hug.

“Thank you for doing this, man. It means a lot to me.” Patrick squeezed him around the ribs.

“I’m happy to, J.” He pulled back and winked, pointing towards the window and stepping backward out the door. Josh waited for him to reappear and then hauled his duffle out the window, running through his bedroom door and hollering to his mom. They met at the car again, stuffing the bag into the trunk. Josh made sure Patrick was able to take off safely before getting in the driver seat and driving to Debby’s.

He barely had the car in park before Jenna was opening the door to the backseat and telling Josh to pop the trunk. He drove them back to Patrick’s house (he actually did live four houses down across from Josh?) and within twenty minutes of leaving in the first place, they were on the I-71 southbound towards Cincinnati.


	13. XIII

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello there :p i'm sorry there wasn't an update yesterday. this weekend has been a wreck. so here's another chapter with a weird cutoff!
> 
> p.s. a shoutout to vicky and sarah for being the lights of my entire life

“I need some aquila reds, thanks.” He passed a bill over the counter and fumbled with his wallet, trying to yank a membership card that was trapped in the billfold of his wallet.

“Sure, kid,” The cashier said. They moved to the back room for a second and came back with the package in their hand, palming it down on the counter and sliding it towards the tattooed boy. “You know how to string ‘em up?”

“Sure do,” Tyler smiled, holding out the card between his fingers.

“What made ‘ya choose reds?” The cashier passed it back, folding the bill in the till and handing him back the change.

“Red feels right. Red feels like a friend, if that… If that even makes sense.” Tyler shrugged and put the money in his wallet, folding it up and stuffing it back in his pocket. The cashier scrunched their eyebrows together, an amused smile coloring their features.

“What kind of friend?” They crossed their arms over the chest and leaned on the counter. Tyler looked up with a sad smile.

“The kind I have to apologize to.”

Tyler swiped the package from the counter and smiled as he walked back out the door, trotting out to his car and throwing his things in the passenger seat as he climbed in. Turning on the engine took a couple tries, but the little Oldsmobile was purring in no time.

Cincinnati was good to Tyler. He had nothing to worry about and no one to see. He belonged to himself, too, and it didn’t matter who he was or what he looked like or what he had done. He’d never own up to it, but that was also kind of the problem.

He pulled into the shack’s parking lot and tinkered with the wrapping on the aquilas, ripping open the plastic when he could unravel them on the bar. He grabbed his ukulele from its wall mount and set it on the counter near the strings, clipping and unstringing the former strings and throwing them on the floor behind him. He grabbed the remote from the far side of the bar and flicked on the old box TV. He set the remote near the new strings and started to carefully unravel them, listening to the news.

There was a fire downtown somewhere and police had a suspect’s mugshot available, but other than that, Cincinnati was quiet. He smiled to himself. It was a nice way to recuperate, sure, but he knew he had to go back and talk to Josh. If he hadn’t left his phone at the damn campsite, he would have a lot sooner, but he figured the other boy would be okay. They went _five years_ without each other, how much damage could five weeks had done?

The longer he thought about it, the sadder he got, but he knew he had to address a few things once he got back to Columbus. He knew he’d overreacted at the campsite when he yelled at Josh, but he was overstimulated and already on the brink of freaking out, it was inevitable that he would have a breakdown, and he knew it-- he just didn’t imagine it would be so explosive. He knew Josh didn’t take it well, either, and that was the very first thing he’d apologize for. Secondly, it was going to be for _leaving_ , which he knew was wildly inappropriate given the circumstances, but he didn’t know how else to calm himself down. He shouldn’t have left Josh out there, either, but according to Ashley he’d made it home, so it would be okay. The very least Tyler was hoping for was a forgiveness, but he knew he couldn’t expect that.

Which is exactly why he’d gotten the aquila reds to string up -- not only were they the color of Josh’s hair, but he was going to play Josh a song that he wrote the night after they kissed in Ashley’s kitchen. If nothing else, even if Josh didn’t forgive him, at least he’d given him that. If Tyler thought about that for too long, too, he’d get sadder until he started losing it, so he just didn’t. He’d find Josh, apologize, play him a song, and get out of his hair. Let him think for a while.

And maybe ask for his phone back, but… Yeah.

He came out of his fog when a flash of red caught his eye. The words “breaking news” flew over the TV screen that were replaced by a reporter standing out on I-71. Tyler scrunched his eyebrows together and turned up the volume, twining the strings around his finger to keep them taut as he listened.

“Hi, Penelope,” The reporter said. “I’m standing out here in the Interstate 71 southbound lanes where a collision involving four vehicles has blocked off three lanes, severely disrupting traffic. Seven people have been confirmed to be in critical condition and one confirmed dead. Police officials have tol--” Tyler muted the TV, picking up the ukulele in one hand and the loose string in the other, striding over to crouch in front of it and examine the wreckage behind the reporter. He squinted, his eyes blurring against the pixels as he tried to see all the cars. There were two trucks, a sedan, and a motorcycle-- probably the person who died. It looked pretty smashed.

Something was _off._ He kept looking at the cars while the reporter spoke. And then it fucking hit him.

Tyler gasped, stumbling backwards onto his butt. He ran back to the bar to unwind the string, unmuting the TV and racing back to sit on his knees in front of it. That was Patrick’s car turned on its side, the top of the cab smashed into the barrier. One of the doors to the backseat had been sawed off.

“--edical Center where many of the crash victims are being taken into intensive care.” _What_? Tyler frowned and ran a hand through his hair. _Why was Patrick so close to Cincinnati? Was he coming to get me, or something? Was Josh with him_?

He ran back to his ukulele, winding the unfinished strings around the fretboard and stuffing it in its vinyl case. He’d just gotten the damn thing, he wasn’t about to have it smashed again.

Tyler grabbed the car keys and his backpack (an “emergency only” backpack he’d designated for situations sort of like this; situations that he’d need to leave immediately in, situations he knew he wouldn’t be able to come back to), hauling the ukulele over his shoulder and racing out to his Oldsmobile. They had to be at the University medical center about four miles from Tyler’s shack, he’d guessed. There weren’t very many hospitals in the area; the reporter said something that sounded pretty close to “medical center,” and even less had that as a designated name.

The drive seemed to take hours, but it was really only about 15 minutes. Tyler parked haphazardly, almost forgetting to turn off the car as he ran towards the emergency room entrance.

“Um, um, excuse me,” He gasped out. The receptionist stopped her work on the computer and looked at him patiently. “Is this, um. The crash victims on I-71, is this where they were taken?” He was breathless, nearly dropping to the floor as she nodded.

“Are you looking for someone in particular?” She started typing on the computer again, careful to keep looking back at him. He nodded.

“Yeah, um. A few people. Is… Is Joshua Dun here?” She smacked her lips as she searched through the computer. Tyler felt like his soul was about to fall through his toes. The longer she spent clicking away, the further he could feel himself spiralling down.

“Yes, he is,” She said eventually. Tyler’s heart jumped into his throat and fell through his stomach. “He’s in the ICU. Are you family?”

“Yeah, yeah,” He lied effortlessly. “I’m, I’m his brother Jordan.”

“Okay. Let me print a band for you and we’ll get you back shortly.”

 _Shortly_ _my ass_ , Tyler thought to himself, two hours later. He was still sitting in the waiting room and had effectively strung up his ukulele, tuned it, and came up with a melody for another song. He was a little pissed off, honestly. He hadn’t come down from discovering Josh (and potentially Patrick) had been in a car crash on their way to (probably) come find him. Eventually, though, his name was called back-- it did take him a moment to remember to respond to “Jordan Dun”-- and he was led back by a nurse to a room upstairs that was so bleached and unpleasant, Tyler was sure he’d get some sort of poisoning just walking through it.

“He’s through here,” The nurse gestured through a door with a curtain covering the inside of the window. “Please be quiet.”

He stepped inside gingerly, not even looking at his friend as he made sure the door didn’t click loudly. He backed away from it, only turning on his heel to see Josh when he was sure he could do it without freaking out. Josh was staring back at him.

The guy looked pretty good for the ICU, if Tyler had to judge by experience. His jaw was bruised and he had stitches going up the left side of his head, and more on his neck. That was all the tattooed boy could see besides his arms, which were battered like nothing else. He had a cast on his right forearm, scrapes and deep, purplish green bruises down his biceps and hands.

“Fuck, dude,” Tyler murmured, a hand coming up to cover his mouth. Josh blinked and smiled lamely, turning his head to get more comfortable against the pillow.

“They s’d my brother was here,” Josh murmured, his mouth barely opening to talk. The bruise looked like it _hurt_. “I was s’confused, man. How’d you know I was here?”

“They broadcasted the accident because it was causing some traffic. I saw Patrick’s car in the background shot. What were you doing?” Tyler breathed, dropping his bags and coming to sit at the foot of the bed. Josh jerked his head back in an attempt to tell his friend to come closer.

“Coming to get you, asshat.” He grumbled. Tyler raised an eyebrow.

“Asshat, huh?” He smiled, gripping Josh’s fingers. Josh squeezed back lightly.

“Yeah. Don’t fuckin’ skip town on me again, okay man?” Tyler felt his heart throb, laughing sadly as Josh winced.

“Okay, okay. Was, um, anyone with you? Do I need to call people?”

“Call, ‘m,” Josh squeezed his eyes shut for a second. “Pete. Jus’ tell Pete I’m here, he’ll know what’s up.” That’s exactly what Tyler did. Apparently, Patrick, Josh, Debby and Jenna had all come to fish Tyler out town and whisk him back to Columbus. He told him he’d be out there shortly, and would inform the appropriate people. Tyler thanked him before walking back into Josh’s room to find him lulling to sleep, but his eyes shot back open once the door clicked.

“Can we talk?” Tyler breathed. Josh shook his head.

“I don’ wanna hear anything about _anything_ until I’m outta here. Can we just be okay, f’r now?” Tyler frowned, but nodded. He sat near Josh again and squeezed his pinky.  


* * *

 

Pete was quick to leave Josh and Tyler alone once he found Tyler laying in the hospital bed with Josh, sharing a pair of earphones and appearing to be napping. They definitely weren’t, but it was nice to be able to avoid the company.

“Are you feeling okay?” Tyler mumbled. Josh nodded slowly. “Are you hungry?” Tyler plucked the earphone away from himself and rolled off the bed. In the crash, Josh had been in the passenger seat while Patrick had been driving. Jenna and Debby were in the backseat (not even interacting with each other, according to Josh). A truck had rear-ended them and sent them swerving to the right, where in which they hit the barrier between the highways. Patrick tried to swerve away before too much damage could be done, but in doing so, he nearly t-boned another car (which ended up hitting the motorcycle) and swerved _again_ , forcing the car to flip on the side that Josh and Debby were on.

Josh sustained four broken ribs, a punctured lung (which is what landed him in the ICU), broke his right forearm, had a microfracture in his jaw (the source disgusting bruise) and blew out his kneecap. He was conscious after the crash and apparently called 911 from _Tyler’s phone_. Patrick had taken a lot of glass to the skin and had cuts and scrapes all over the left side of his head, neck, and shoulder. He busted his shoulder in the impact and apparently it severely cut of circulation. The airbags saved both him and Josh from severe injuries.

Debby’s skull had cracked open and she fractured her wrist in an attempt to shove Jenna away from the impact against the barrier. Jenna’s legs were covered in bruises and she hadn’t taken too many horrible blows, she did have a really nasty gash in her ribs from the glass. Josh never learned if she was hemorrhaging or anything, but he was pretty sure it took more than a broken leg to land someone in the intensive care unit, so the answer was probably yes.

“Hey, w’t, where…” Josh reached out blindly.

“Calm down,” Tyler chuckled. “So, I know your mom is probably coming. I'll skeddadle and be back in a few hours. She probably doesn't wanna see me very much.”

“Didn't even tell ‘er I left.” He mumbled, turning his head to face away.

“You… What?”

“Later, dude, please. My phone is in the duffle bag in the corner, can you…” He raised a hand to gesture to it. Tyler strided to it and plucked out the phone carefully.

“Can I ask you something?”

“No.”

“Why’s my hoodie in here?” Tyler was smiling as he set Josh’s phone down on his thigh. “Also, where’s _my_ phone?”

“In th’ bag,” Josh tossed his arm toward the hospital bag full of Josh’s clothes. Tyler was relieved to see the screen wasn’t cracked (how that happened he’ll never know). “Where’re you going?” Josh mumbled. Tyler brushed a hair out of his friend’s eye.

“Back to... My place of residence. Text me when your mom is gone, okay? I’ll be back. I’ve got something I wanna show you, too.” Josh frowned at him through hooded eyes.

“W’t, dude,” Josh lamely clamped his fingers around Tyler’s wrist. “C’n you… C’mere.”

“Dude, I’m not giving you a kiss,” Tyler groaned, letting himself be tugged backwards despite himself. “Your face is all jacked up. Nurse’ll come in here and freak out.”

“Nurse’ll never know,” The other boy said, reaching up to get his hand around the back of Tyler’s neck when he was close enough. Tyler resisted that time, pulling himself away and pressing a light kiss to Josh’s knuckles instead.

“No, dude. It’s too gay.” He smiled as Josh scrunched his eyebrows together. Once he had his bags strapped over himself again, he winked at the other boy and stepped out.

Tyler clipped off the hospital band the second he got into his car, flicking it out the window and peeling out of the parking lot. He wasn’t sure that Josh’s mom even knew what he looked like anymore, but in the event that she somehow knew Tyler was out here, he wanted to get away from the scene as fast as he could.

He somehow couldn’t grasp it. He hadn’t processed any of his feelings, and at this point, he wasn’t even sure if he _had_ feelings about it. He had a calendar he was marking down the days on until he was going to go back to Columbus, and within a week of the due date, Josh comes to get him. And almost dies. Fucking. Wow.

 

* * *

 

Josh stung everywhere. His eyes were closed as tried to get comfortable, but the hospital bed was horribly stiff underneath his spine. The more he thought about the overall discomfort he was in, the worse it got, so he tried to shove it to the back of his mind and focus on taking breaths, because it’s seemed like a challenge all day.

He was still in disbelief that they’d fucking crashed, of all the things to do on all the days. Granted, it wasn’t their fault, but it was still really frustrating to think about. His parents weren’t even supposed to know he left, much less to get Tyler, and even less so that he’d gotten maimed in the process.

He was glad when Tyler showed up to his room, but everything about the situation was wrong. He was supposed to go get _him_ , not the other way around. He was supposed to find Tyler’s little shack and burst in and sweep him off his feet, or something. He probably wouldn’t actually do that. It was nice to think that he could, though. Josh smiled to himself. It would have been so cool to come after Tyler like that. Maybe he could still do it, if he got out of here before Tyler came back. Unlikely, but, whatever.

He flicked open his eyes and looked around, looking at the iPod Tyler left on the bed, headphones still connected and everything. A couple of his fingers wrapped themselves around the cord and tugged it closer to him, bringing it to his face when he didn’t have to stretch to reach it. He stuffed a headphone in his ear and flipped through the songs to fill the silence until someone (probably one of his parents) would try to come into his room.

The tattooed boy had a _lot_ of local files on the device. Most of them were titled weird things, and were super fuzzy when Josh listened to them. He could tell it was Tyler singing, but it was mostly just chords and other instrumentals with the occasional vocal interjection. Josh figured these were songs he’d written and probably hadn’t shown anyone. One with a weird ticking noise in the background caught his attention in particular.

When his mother showed up, she berated him endlessly. “How could you be so irresponsible”, “I can’t believe you would hide this from us”, “You’re so grounded when you get out of here”, that whole mess. She also called his father, who couldn’t get off work but would _gladly_ give his son the same lecture over the phone.

She stayed for _hours_ to talk with Josh and make sure he was okay, alongside all of his friends and their respective parents. It eventually came down to the point that Josh actually wanted to get some sleep, and he started to drift off while she was out. She left him in silence, too, which was pretty nice. She even turned off the lights. What a nice mom.

It didn’t feel like it lasted for very long, though. He was just teetering off the edge when the earbud was gently taken out and a kiss was smacked on cheek, wet and _fucking loud_ in the quiet hospital room. Josh jerked his head away (aggravating his chin again, nice) and grunted.

“Wake up, J,” He heard his friend whisper. He peeled open an eye and found Tyler leaning over him. “I have something for you.”


	14. XIV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm still shouting out vicky and sarah bye
> 
> ok here's some hospital. updates might start slowing down to like, once every 36 hours. please be patient with me, life is starting again lmao

Josh grunted in response, opening his other eye. His friend smiled at him again.

“I gotcha somethin’.” His voice was cheeky. Josh squinted in suspicion.

“Wh’t?” He mumbled, turning his head back to face the tattooed boy. Tyler’s smile was glowing. He leaned away for a second, out of Josh’s line of sight and then reappearing a moment later.

“Do you wanna prop up your bed? You won’t…”

“Sure, sure,” Josh nodded hazily, fumbling his good arm around for the panel of buttons and leaning himself upward. Once he got comfortable, he looked to the right for Tyler again, who was holding something wrapped in tinfoil and had his ukulele strapped to his back. Josh furrowed his eyebrows. Tyler waggled his.

“Do you know what the date is, Joshie?” Josh grimaced, waving off Tyler at the nickname. His friend’s smile only grew more jubilant.

“What is up with you, dude?” He mumbled, still wary about opening his mouth. Tyler _giggled_ , what the hell? He tried to blink the sleep from his eyes as Tyler placed the tinfoil in his own lap and pulled out whatever it was. It… Smelled warm? Did he bring him food?

“It’s June 22nd, Joshie.” He was stifling a laugh as he talked, pulling a lighter from his pocket.

“What are you doing?”

“Your birthday was last week, dude. I made you a couple of cupcakes when I went home, I feel bad for missing it.” Josh blinked at him, his eyes widening. He had _completely fucking forgotten_ his own birthday last week. What the hell even happened?

“What kinda cupcakes?” He muttered, shifting to sit upright (and wincing, holy shit, _ow,_ what the fuck) and peering into Tyler’s lap as he lit the single candle stuck in the cupcake. “Wait, dude, there are smoke detectors like every three inches, what’re you--”

“Then blow it out, jerkoff,” Tyler whispered, setting the plate in his lap and unzipping his ukulele in a hurry.

“I can’t. I’m not even supposed to be eating?”

“How are they gonna know? C’mon, it’s good.” He flicked the plate, sitting at the foot of Josh’s bed and pulling his feet up to sit criss cross. He settled the ukulele in his lap.

“Y’know,” Josh chuckled (fucking _ow_ , oh my _god_ ), “This is kind of romantic. You’re about to serenade me over candlelight in a dark room.”

“Blow out your candle, dude. I’m not singing you happy birthday.” Tyler flicked the edge of the plate again. Josh eyed him.

“Do you… Are you serious? I can barely brea--”

“Oh my god. I knew that, I knew that,” Tyler pinched out the flame under his callouses, clapping fast and quiet when Josh huffed out another pained laugh. “Eat’cha cupcake. I got a song for you.” Josh picked off a piece of the cake, stuffing it between his lips tenderly and chewing as slowly as he possibly could; One, two savor the taste because Tyler made some goddamn chocolate-raspberry marble cupcakes, and two, because his jaw hurt like a bitch.

“You good?” Tyler whispered, eyes totally transfixed on Josh while he ate. The other boy could barely see him in the dimly lit room-- the only vision he had was coming from the bleached lights pouring in between the blinds from the hallway. Josh nodded carefully to avoid hurting himself further, and Tyler breathed a smile of relief. “Okay, I have a song for you.”

After Tyler finished, he looked back up to Josh, whose eyes were welled up. He froze.

“Um, dude,"

“Shh,” Josh yanked on Tyler’s wrist (he didn’t care that he hurt himself in the process), pulling him into a deep, slow kiss. The other boy responded willingly, climbing over Josh (but definitely not getting in his lap) and putting his instrument behind him. It only lasted for a moment, because Josh opened his mouth just a _tad_ too widely and hissed into his friend’s mouth, forcing him to pull away with and look at him urgently.

“Are you--”

“”M good, but, like…” He ran the pad of his finger across his chin. Tyler nodded slowly, climbing away from Josh and back to the floor to put away his ukulele. The red-haired boy leaned back into his bed, settling his shoulders against it and keeping an eye on his friend. Tyler worked around with the case in the darkness, eventually snapping it shut on perching himself on the stool. “N’, dude,” Josh was mumbling with his eyes closed. Tyler snorted.

“Are you okay?” He asked, leaning over his friend. Josh mumbled incoherently. “Are you falling asleep that fast? Jesus, what kind of meds do they have you on?” He fiddled with Josh’s hospital band for a moment before deciding, _eh, fuck it_ , and climbing in next to him. There was definitely enough room for the both of them and sleepy Josh really seemed to welcome his presence. Tyler was incredibly careful about his movements, making sure his red-haired friend shifted first, but they eventually found something comfortable.

The inside of Tyler’s left bicep cradled Josh’s head so they Tyler’s nose gently poked his friend’s cheek. When Josh turned his head, they might as well have been kissing.

“Y’good?” Josh murmured, his eyes slinking. Tyler smiled.

“I feel like this would a good time to talk to you.” Tyler whispered. Josh shrugged lamely, his shoulder bumping his friend’s sternum. “I’m just… Gonna talk about something, okay? You don’t have to reply. It’s just something I’m gonna talk about. So, that story I was telling you about at the camp wasn’t exactly false.” Josh blinked open an eye.

“What brought that on?” He asked. Tyler pursed his lips.

“I’ve thought about it a lot over the last couple weeks. What I told you wasn’t the whole truth. Meg Myers did get hit by a car. She was really badly busted up. They made the youngest guy shoot her and stuff and it was really nasty, they made them dump her body and stuff. It was bad. The ghost stuff, the other shooting, how everyone died, all of that was true, too. Everything I said.

“But… There were a couple missing pieces, um. I told you that, that I knew a girl named Meg and she O.D’d in the backseat of my car while I stayed out here. That wasn’t true. It’s the same Meg who got shot.” He eyed Josh for a moment, who didn’t appear to have a visible reaction. “Yeah, um. Josh… It. That was me.” He wiped his eyes hard and fast. The other boy appeared to be completely out of it, immediately satiating the rolling in Tyler’s stomach. “I’m… Okay. I’m gonna stop talking, now.”

He settled down nervously, waiting for Josh to say something, _do_ something, but it eventually just made sense that he was asleep. It comforted Tyler to know that the other boy was able to get some sleep in his condition, and even moreso that he may not have heard anything that Tyler said. He sighed, trying to get as comfortable as he could.

A couple different nurses checked on Josh throughout the night. Tyler would move away each time and would be forced to wake up his friend in the process, but it had to happen. They would check his vitals and review his pain med plan, see if he needed anything, just routine stuff. One of them-- he didn't catch her name-- asked if _Tyler_ needed a pillow, and for some reason that made the experience much more tolerable. They also tried to get Josh to do some deep breathing exercises and have him fiddle around with his legs to see how his knee was doing.

Around 5am, Josh tucked his face into Tyler's shoulder and groaned loudly, coughing immediately after. Tyler put a light hand on Josh's chest and twisted him around so he laid on his back.

“Don't pull that shit,” He whispered, putting his nose back into his friend’s hair. “Apparently you're not doing so well.”

“That's why I did it,” Josh mumbled. “Can't sleep, either.”

“Do you need anything?” The red-haired boy felt his friend talk more than he actually heard it.

“More painkillers. And like… A pillow, or something.”

“They just gave you one?”

“It's flat.” Josh twisted around uncomfortably. Tyler put a hand on the crest of his friend's chest, eyeing him worriedly.

“Okay. Hold on.” He tried to clamber out of the bed without touching the other boy, padding barefoot towards the door and peeking out into the brightly lit hallway. He squinted and ran a hand through his hair, looking back at Josh once more (who still looked like hell) before stepping out and clicking the door shut. He walked down to the nurses’ station and leaned over the counter on his elbows. Immediately, one of them spied him out.

“Do you need something, honey?” She asked lightly.

“Er, a,” He motioned uselessly. “J--He, a pillow. A pillow.”

“Oh, okay!” She disappeared into a hallway for a second before coming back with exactly what he asked for. He smiled and thanked her quietly, walking back to Josh’s room with a little more urgency than he expected from himself. He didn't want to leave his friend alone for a _second_ in the event that something went wrong. When he opened the door again, Josh was fiddling around with his iPod.

“What're you listening to?” He asked quietly, holding the pillow in front of his chest. Josh drifted a lazy glance to Tyler.

“I can't hear what you're saying,” He muttered. Tyler quirked an eyebrow.

“Me, right now?”

“No, no, on the recording.” He waved the iPod. Tyler's eyes blew wide, bolting to Josh's side and swiftly unplugging the device. His friend whined in protest, but Tyler was stuffing it in his pocket. “No, it sounded nice,” He was saying.

“No, dude. Please don't. Can you, just,” He held up the pillow to Josh’s frown. “Here, it... Sit up, I'll…”

“What's your deal?” The older boy asked, letting his friend replace the pillow under his his head before laying back down.

“Never let people listen to that.” His voice was almost too quiet for the other boy to hear. Josh blinked, a poison filling his stomach.

“Oh, dude, I'm so sorry,” He tried to reach toward Tyler, but the other boy was still tinkering with his sheets and avoiding eye contact. “I'm sorry, I didn't know. Your voice is like, coca inexpensive. I'm so sorry.”

“It's really okay,” The tattooed boy said, clearing his throat into his fist. “Can we just. Forget about this? There's a lot you don't know and those songs talk about that stuff.” Josh nodded solemnly.  


* * *

 

Tyler left after Josh had fallen asleep again, darting home to shower and change his clothes. Well, not really _shower_ , the only thing the shack had like that was a faucet, but he definitely washed his hair. He gathered up a few things -- his ukulele, a few changes of clothes, some perishable snacks, just the basics -- before heading back. He signed in as _himself_ this time (being careful to tell the receptionist that, if anyone else came to see Josh, she needed to call the room first) and jogged up to the 4th floor, elevators be damned, and walked towards his friend’s room.

“Yo,” He said, closing the door behind him. Josh stuck his tongue out at him. “‘M here for the week. Any word on your friends? Parents?”

“Parents aren’t coming out today or tomorrow, neither of them could get off work. Jenna’s being discharged in the morning, she had to have a blood transfusion and the cast on her leg is hot pink. Patrick is, quote, ‘sore as fuck’, according to Pete,” He waved his phone. “But is doing fine and will probably go home with Jenna. There’s no word on Debby, though. As for me, my ribs are actually doing pretty okay. I haven’t really tried bending my knee, and my mouth feels pretty okay, but that’s probably because I’m drugged up right now.”

“Yeah, you’re talking like you’re walking down the street, so something is probably going okay.” Tyler smiled at him and set down his bags. “You need anything?”

“A kiss?” Josh raised his eyebrows hopefully, and his friend rolled his eyes. Tyler leaned over his bedside, palms flat on the sheets, and pressed something chaste to his cheek. Josh whined.

“Hm?”

“A _real_ kiss.” He pouted his lips, forcing a snort from Tyler. He leaned in again to actually kiss him, taking his friend’s bottom lip between his own and pushing his nose against his cheek. He felt Josh’s good hand slide around his neck. He heard the other boy sigh contentedly. Tyler exhale, bringing a gentle palm to the red-haired boy’s cheek and stroking gently.

Josh opened his eyes just to maybe see if Tyler was doing the same, and instead was left breathless. The tattooed boy’s eyelashes were so long and feathery, holy shit. If Josh didn’t know any better, he’d think he was kissing an angel.

The thought alone made him laugh, which sucked really badly because he didn’t wanna ruin whatever voodoo magic was going on in his stomach as their mouths worked together, but it fucking hurt, so he hissed. Tyler pulled away instantly, concern clouding his features and suddenly Josh wanted to kick his own ass.

“No, no, wait,” He whined, but Tyler pushed on his shoulder.

“No, what’s wrong? Are you okay? Do I need to call the nurse? Hold on, I’ll get the blonde one you get along with,” He was already striding towards the door, leaving Josh sputtering in the bed.

“No, Ty, I was just-- Dude!” He yelled. Tyler turned on his heel, eyes blown wide. “I was just laughing, I’m okay. Calm down, come back here. Also, put on some socks, or something, there's probably Ebola on the floor. Christ.” He smiled reassuringly, gesturing for his friend to come back to him. Tyler sighed. His eyes were still huge.   
  


The rest of the week followed in a very, very similar fashion. Josh would ask for something trivial from Tyler (coffee, but _not_ the hospital coffee, a cold pillow at 3:45 in the morning, some teddy grahams out of Tyler’s bag, some sort of cuddles or kisses), accidentally do something to aggravate his injuries, and then Tyler would jump the gun and run out to get help that Josh feel like he needed. It was so endearing, though, that Josh could never find it in him to tell his friend to stop. Tyler only left the room to use the bathroom/use the shower attached to the hospital room, go get food for them, talk to the nurses, or escape when Josh’s family briefly visited.

When Patrick was discharged, he visited Josh’s room to talk to him and Tyler. Pete was with him, who didn’t say a word the entire time, but the duo let it go. They’d give him time. Patrick said the guy was feeling sorry, so they believed him. They learned Jenna had been released a few hours earlier, but didn’t stop by exclusively because her parents were angry with her that she’d left town to pursue some boy she barely knew, and she knew that boy would be there. There was still no word about Debby’s condition, which was odd to everyone. They let it slide, but Josh later told Tyler to do some snooping.

On the third day of their stay, Josh was transported to a recovery room. His parents couldn’t be there because of work, and Josh made a great effort to sound upset about it over the phone, but he was actually relieved that it would be Tyler to help him take his steps down the hallways.

It was _hard_. Josh’s kneecap didn’t really hurt, per se, it just kept fucking buckling underneath of him. He refused to use a walker, either, so Tyler was forced to bear most of his weight as Josh stumbled around in rubber-padded socks in basketballs shorts. He held his elbows under Josh’s armpits so that the other boy could lean into him with his arms around his shoulders. The tattooed boy was walking backward so his friend could move forward. They found it pretty effective. Getting in and out of the elevators was a good time, for sure, Tyler didn’t fucking trip on the grate and almost hit his head or anything. That didn’t happen.

Josh’s new room was significantly larger. He was allowed to move around through out and start physical therapy, as well as more in-depth breathing exercises before he would be released in another four days. Things trucked along beautifully, if you asked him.   
  


On the third night, they were sleeping in the same bed when a nurse carted in to take his vitals and do some sort of breathing exercise. Tyler scooted to the foot of the bed and kept dragging his finger up the bottom of Josh’s foot to mess with him as he got his blood pressure taken. The nurse didn’t berate him or anything, but he could still feel her eyes. After she left, Josh threw his pillow at him. Tyler would have thrown it back if he wasn’t worried he’d hurt the other boy.

“Hey, Joshie,” He whispered, climbing back up beside the other boy and putting the pillow back. “Can I tell you something?”

“No,” Josh said, grimacing. “Stop calling me that, you freak me out.”

“Alright. I’m still gonna ask you, though.” The younger boy laid on his side and propped himself up on his elbow. “Remember what you told me at the lake?”

“Do… Do we really gotta remember that mess, right now?” Josh winced.

“No, just the lake. When you told me--”

“That I loved you.” Josh finished, his eyes still closed tightly. Tyler frowned, leaning in to press a small kiss to Josh’s nose.

“Yeah, and I told you I loved you, too. I’m not gonna talk about anything bad, dude, c’mon.” He tugged on his friend’s beanie so that it came down over his eyes. “C’mon. I was just gonna tell you that I still love you.”

“Okay?” Josh grumbled.

“ _And_ , I wanted to apologize for yell--”

“Tyler, I don’t really wanna talk about all that stuff right now.” The red-haired boy pulled his beanie down completely over his face.

“You could make a ski mask out of that.” Tyler plucked at it. “That’s besides the point, though. If you don’t wanna talk, then just listen, please. I just wanted to apologize for it. I still love you a whole lot, okay? I just wanted to say I’m not skipping out on you again. I didn’t know me leaving was gonna get you killed, or that it was gonna kill me. We can talk more about it later, but I thought it was important that you know that.” He laid down on his stomach, head still turned towards his friend.

“If you only knew.” Josh murmured. Tyler didn’t really understand what he said, instead pulling the other boy’s beanie off his face and kissing his nose again before settling back down.


	15. XV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alternatively, "best friends that are in love"
> 
> thx vicky for loving tyler joseph as much as i secretly love josh dun & basically giving me the whole plot for this chapter  
> what a gal

“Joshie?” His mother called from the door. Tyler jolted, waking up his friend and diving off the bed.

“Dude, what,” Josh whined and reached out behind him. He peeled open an eye in time to see Tyler stuff his lanky frame inside the coat closet next to the sink, picking up his knees to his chest and clicking the door shut. Josh raised an eyebrow.

“Are you awake, son?” His mother said, peering into the room. They made eye contact.

“I am now,” He said, rubbing his eye and laying back again. “Why’re you here so early?”

“I wanted to come out before I had to go to work.” She said simply, dropping her purse on the floor and sitting at his side. “And… I wanted to talk to you about something.” Tyler heard his friend shift around on the bed. Part of him wanted to peek out and see what was happening, but if Mrs. Dun knew he was here, she'd probably have him turned over to the police for reckless endangerment or something.

“Okay?” Josh said. Tyler could _feel_ him crossing his arms.

“Your father and I know that this was all about Tyler, and we’ve already talked to you about it. We’ve been over it, it’s done. However, we got to talking again. Did you ever find him?”

“No, we didn’t. The crash happened and we’ve all kind of been here ever since.”

“Son, we wish you had just talked to us. We’re sure we could have helped you find him.” His mother’s voice was persistent and uncomfortable. Tyler could hear his friend groan in frustration from inside the cabinet.

“Look, it was a spur of the moment idea. I didn’t actually think we would find the guy. I was just really hopeful in the moment, and the others were so excited about it that I couldn’t say no.” Josh’s voice was muffled, probably behind his hands or something. That didn’t mean his words didn’t make Tyler’s chest ache, though.

“Okay, well, regardless. When you’re let out of here, we’ll look for him and bring him home. Sound good?”

“Bring him _home_?” Josh’s voice was suspicious.

“Yes, _home_ , Joshua. His parents would still love to meet him, and we all figured that if _you’re_ going after him, we--”

“No, mom, holy shit. We already had this conversation. Tyler isn’t coming home.”

“Okay, Joshua,” He heard her moving. Tyler swallowed. He shifted around as quietly as he could, trying to peak between the door hinges. “I’m not _asking you_ , son. Your friend’s parents want him to come home. It has been five years since they’ve seen their son, we all agreed--”

 _"You_ all agreed--”

“That he needs to come home. _Especially_ if you know where he is.” Her tone was forceful. The tattooed boy could feel himself breaking into a sweat. Would Josh actually give him up? Would he send him home to his parents, who would do god knows what with him?  

“The thing is that I _don’t_ know where he is, mom. I really, truly, honestly have no idea where he’s been since he left.” Josh met her attitude. Tyler heard him moving again. “Patrick came up with the idea to come looking for him because they saw how fucking upset that I was because he left, unlike _you did_ ,” He hissed. There was more shifting as he mother gasped incredulously. “I don’t even know what their plan _was_ , for fuck’s sake.”

 “Watch your language, Joshua.”

 “Jesus, mom, listen to me for a second? I don’t _want_ to look for Tyler anymore. He’s probably dead anyway. It doesn’t even matter anymore, so if you wouldn’t mind, just come back at like, 10 tomorrow, and we’ll go home. I don’t even want to see him again, so neither should you guys.” The room was swiped clean with silence, almost unbearable for the boy in the closet.

“Well…Okay then.” His mother cleared her throat. “I also wanted to tell you that Debby is in really poor condition. She’s been placed in a coma, and has been since you got here. That is all.” She was moving again. Why did he hide in the closet? He couldn’t see a damn thing. “I’ll be back in the morning.” The door clicked.

Josh audibly sighed, a thud resounding through the room. He probably smacked back against his pillows, which couldn’t have been good for his ribs. Tyler was too entranced in his own thoughts to come out. What if Josh actually didn’t want to find him? What if they were only coming to Cinci because of Patrick? Josh didn’t want him around? Josh didn’t think they’d find him, so he was ready to give up from the start? What if he didn’t want Tyler to come back? Did he even want Tyler?

“My dude,” Josh said. Tyler exhaled sharply, kicking open the door with a foot and letting it hang. “You can-- Wait, what’s wrong?”

“Do you,” He swallowed. “Do you not want me here, or something? Because if I’m impo--”

“No, Tyler. Christ. I want you here. I was just telling my mom that so that she’d get out of my hair. C’mere. Do _not_ \--” He pointed an accusatory finger at his friend, who had started to come out of the closet. “Do not skip town on me again, dude. I will kill you.”

“No, I’m not,” Tyler smiled weakly. He walked over to the bed and gingerly climbed in beside Josh, who had been holding his arms open for the other boy. “I just, um. It’s hard to hear that the boy you think you’re in love with telling his mother that he doesn’t want you around.”

“You think you’re in love with me?” Josh smiled something heartwarming and teasing. Tyler raised an eyebrow.

“Haven’t we had this conversation? Like in the middle of a lake?”

“Maybe?” Josh squinted, smile still filling his eyes. Tyler matched him.

“Yes, okay. Yeah. I think I’m in love with you.” Josh leaned in to peck Tyler on the cheek.

“I love you, too, Tyler.”

* * *

Things were quiet after that. There were no words, if they were honest. Tyler didn’t really know Debby anymore, and she and Josh weren’t on the highest of terms right now. Despite the relative bitterness about her, Josh still insisted on visiting her in the morning. The other boy wasn’t about to tell him no.

It was only when Tyler came back to Columbus that Josh sort of distanced himself from his auburn-haired friend. They had been incredibly close over the last few years, because right after Tyler left the first time, Debby heard about most of the fallout. They had gotten so close after that that Debby knew about Josh’s plan before he even told her, claiming she’d been on board since day one and all that jazz. They’d been attached at the hip ever since.

Walking to her room was significantly easier than it had been two days ago. The older boy was still leaning on Tyler pretty heavily for support, but getting around was easier for the both of them. The doctors were really confident in his overall progress, and Josh would be subject to an evaluation later to determine whether or not he’d be able to go home the following morning.

They watched Debby from the window. Her mother was still weeping at her side while her father nursed a cup of cold coffee, and Debby’s younger brother had school back in Columbus. The girl had a thick bandage going from behind her ear to the edge of her eyebrow and a teal cast on her arm, but otherwise looked peaceful.

They only exchanged a few words from where they stood. Things like “she looks so small”, “i wonder if she’ll wake up”, and “do you think she can hear anything?”. It wasn’t anything worth remembering, in Tyler’s opinion. Watching someone he knew in this state wasn’t comforting. It was only when they got back to Josh’s room and had gotten some things from the vending machine that the suffocating stopped.

“So, um,” Josh said, opening his sour gummy worms with a _pop_. “I’m probably gonna go home tomorrow.”

“Yep,” Tyler took a long swig from his Red Bull and set the can on the window sill. “What about it?”

“Well,” Josh sighed and gingerly pulled his legs onto the bed, stretching his toes. “Um, well. You were here when my mom came in. She’s… We’re obviously not on good terms. And, well, I…”

“Dude, you can tell me.” Tyler smiled, perching at the foot of the bed. Josh smiled back.

“You can say no, it’s fine. But, um, do you… Could I stay here with you, for a while? Just until things simmer over.” He regretted saying it the second it left his mouth, but Tyler’s smile only grew. The tattooed boy shook his head erratically, running a hand through his hair.

“Josh Dun,” He laughed. “Are you asking to run away with me?” Josh scoffed, but nodded despite himself. Tyler turned straight up cheeky, shaking his head as he climbed up the bed and gave his friend a chaste kiss. “Alright, man. Let’s do it.”

* * *

On the 5th night, the blonde nurse Josh got along with peeked into his room with a small cart in tow. She waved at Tyler, who sat on a stool at the boy’s beside, playing on his phone with his hair plastered to his forehead. He waved her in.

“Can you do all that stuff without waking him up? He’s been having a horrid time trying to sleep.” He whispered. She nodded, raising her eyebrows as she tried to wrap the blood pressure cuff around his bicep. Tyler rested his chin in his palm, elbow on his knee and continued to play Crossy Road. He sniffled absently.

“Your knuckles aren't going to heal if you keep picking at them.”

Tyler looked up, eyeing the nurse curiously before realizing what she was talking about. He glanced at the back of his hand and ran it through his hair to pass it off.

“Oh, um. I know.”

“How long you been doing that?”

“I dunno, um,” He looked around, trying to find something else to talk about. “Is he. How is he? Everything good?”

“He's doing just fine.” She smiled at him. She knew something he didn't, he knew it instantly. “I can guarantee that he's doing better because you're here. Having support is really important.” Tyler looked away again, glancing down at the time. 12:02am.

“I try to be here when I can.” He said, still refusing to look at her. She nodded, packing up her things and moving back towards the door.

“I was serious about your knuckles.” She winked and stepped out before Tyler could say anything.

“W’s wrong w’th your knuckles?” Josh murmured. Tyler jolted.

“No, oh my god. I just put you to sleep, c’mon. Lean back, c’mon,” The tattooed boy leaned over his friend and pulled the blankets up over him again, sweeping the hair from his forehead. “Shh.” Josh bumbled around for a moment and settled down just as fast, his head lulling to the side. The other boy sighed in relief, settling back down on his stool.

* * *

  
“You wanna feel _really_ nostalgic?” Tyler whispered to him. Josh turned his head to see him. They were lying side-by-side in the hospital bed that morning (night, if you asked Tyler, it was still only about 4:30) watching old episodes of Pokemon on Tyler’s phone. Josh snorted.

“More than this?”

“Way more than this.”

“Alright, what’s up?” Josh shuffled so that his head was on Tyler’s chest. The other boy carded through his hair and smacked his lips a few times before talking.

“After you get, um. Well, I…” He coughed into his fist. “After you get discharged, do you wanna go get Taco Bell?”

“You’re not asking me to marry you, dude, it’s just some food. Hell yeah, we can go.” Josh smiled, thumbing Tyler’s pocket.

“That too.”

“What?”

“Marry me.”

“Okay,” Josh huffed out a laugh, leaning up to peck his friend on the lips. Tyler smiled toothily.

Within a couple hours, Tyler had most (if not all) the bags slung over his shoulders. Josh was given a knee brace and a sheet full of physical therapy exercises that he folded up and put in Tyler’s pockets, and then they were on their way.

The younger boy’s little blue oldsmobile was parked towards the back of the lot, which was a pain in the ass for Josh. He didn’t say anything, of course, but Tyler knew it was going to cause him some problems. He offered to pull it around, but Josh refused, instead opting to use the crutches one of the doctor’s had offered earlier.

There wasn’t a lot of room in Tyler’s trunk, so he stuffed most of everything in the backseat and helped his friend get settled in the passenger side. He slid around to his own seat and slammed the door, yanking the keys out of his pocket.

“So, Taco Bell?” He said, turning on the engine (on the first try, wow) and putting it in reverse to pull out of the parking spot.

“Yeah. Where’d you get the car?” Josh was feeling the seat material and the dials on the center console with scrunched eyebrows.

“Uh, it. Was kind of a trade from a long time ago. It works, so I’m not complaining. I had it when I was in Columbus?” He pulled out onto the main road, trying to be extra careful with his busted up friend in the car.

“You did? I don’t remember that, for some reason.” Josh shrugged, leaning back carefully. The drive seemed a lot longer than it actually was, and eating took even less time. They didn’t really talk (they were both pretty hungry, and there wasn’t a lot to talk about in the first place), but rest assured, they were definitely sneaking glances and knocking ankles under the table. As they were leaving, Tyler jumped back over to the cashier and asked for his full name (Omar Visquel), before writing on a napkin and sneaking an arm around his red-haired friend. Josh refused to take his crutches into the joint because he knew it would earn him glances, but it’s not like Tyler minded supporting him. It was only when they dumped the tray and made towards the door that they realized it was raining.

“Should I go grab an umbrella and come back for you?” Tyler put a finger against the glass. Josh shook his head.

“Nah, we can do this. You have heat in your car, right? We should be okay.”

“Alright, man.” Tyler fixed his grip before pushing open the door, moving out carefully. The rain didn’t soak them, but Tyler’s hair was plastered to his forehead by the time they made it to the car and Josh was hissing uncomfortably. “You good?” He asked after the doors were closed and the heat was blasting over them.

“My fuckin’, ow, my knee,” Josh was trying to massage it with his thumb. “I think it, it was just the rain? I don’t know, but it hurts, fuck.” He glanced at Tyler for a second, whose hands were hovering the steering wheel with his lips pursed.

“Uh, um. I’m.” He swallowed and looked away. “Okay, I kinda feel like that’s my fault, not gonna lie. Do you wanna go back to my place?” He tried to skip over it, but Josh’s squinty eyes let him know that he wasn’t getting off that easy.

“What are you talking about?”

“It, um. I heard that knee injuries can get aggravated by the weather, maybe that’s what’s happening? It was my idea to get you outside, and then it started raining, um. I’m sorry. Can we just…?” He looked pleadingly at his friend, who nodded slowly. Josh didn’t really understand what he was talking about, but he figured it would be best to let it go.

It was only a few blocks down the road when they pulled into a rusty, shady looking hotel lot. Tyler turned off the engine swiftly, making to get out of the car when Josh whined to get his attention. The younger boy looked at him urgently.

“I thought you lived in a little house somewhere in Woodbury?” He opened his own door. Tyler shrugged.

“I do, but... It’s really nasty, like, it doesn’t even have a bathroom. Probably not the best place to stay for an extended period of time. Besides, the guy who owns this place owes me a favor. His name’s Gabe, he’s cool.” He moved out of the car, walking around to Josh’s side to help him out. “Save for your knee, are you feeling okay?”

“Yeah, um. My side hurts, but I’ll be fine.” They started hobbling towards the hotel entrance. When the sliding door opened, Tyler smacked his lips.

“Do you want me to pick up your prescriptions? When we get settled I can run out and grab ‘em, the pharmacy is only a couple miles from here.” Josh nodded. The hotel wasn’t actually that bad once you got inside, it just desperately needed a paint job and some living plants on the outside, and maybe some brooms taken to the corners of the walls to remove the cobwebs. The guy at the front desk had a long face and nicer hair than a guy working here would probably have otherwise, and the red-haired boy assumed that this was Gabe.

“Hey, man,” He said, immediately standing up from his desk and reaching over the counter to take Tyler’s hand vigorously. Tyler smiled widely.

“Hey, Gabe. This is Josh, one of the guys who got in the car accident on I-71 last week. We’re looking for a place to stay that wasn’t the hole that Kevin built. Is it okay if we crash here until he can walk on his own?”

“Oh, for sure!” Gabe’s smile was enormous. Who was this guy? “Here’s the key to the room, it’s on the eighth floor. Have a good time. The phone rings down here first so if you need anything, just let me know, dude.” Tyler thanked him, sliding the key in his sweatpants and leading Josh towards the elevator.  

“Room 834,” Tyler mumbled to himself. Josh eyed him curiously.

“Is that weird, or something?”

“No, it’s just, um. I think I know what room that is, I’ve stayed here a lot in the past.” A flush started creeping its way up his neck, and the older boy squinted. Whatever, he’d find out in a second.

And find out _he did_. It was the honeymoon suite, equipped with maroon _everything_ (sheets, drapes, carpet, door handles, walls, holy shit) and white touches. There was a mirror above the bed, making Josh’s face heat up the same way Tyler’s did in the elevator. He sat himself down on the edge of the bed while his friend strode over to the phone in the corner of the room and picked it up, waiting a moment before hissing “Fuck you, Saporta” lightly and hanging up again. He ran a hand over his face and gave Josh a stare. He waved out his hands confusedly. Josh smiled nervously.

“I don’t… Actually mind this, um. It’s a nice room, and we’ll only be here for a week at the most.” He shrugged. “If you don’t care, I don’t care.” Tyler shrugged back, shaking his head and running a hand through his hair.

“Well, okay. Get settled, I’ll be back in, like, a half hour with everything. Okay? I’ll see you soon.” He pecked Josh on the lips before slipping out of the room

* * *

 

When Tyler came back, he immediately made Josh take some pain killers. He didn’t set anything down before he threw the bottle at Josh with a bottle of water.

“Take it. I don’t want you miserable again tonight. Please and thanks.” He eyed the other boy seriously, and Josh nodded lamely. While his friend was gone, he’d tried to scoot himself up the bed to the pillows and just ended up irritating his arm and ribs. He’d called Tyler to let him know, who just groaned and told him “this is why you need me”, to which Josh only replied “not the _only_ reason” before swiftly hanging up. After Josh took two of the pills (hopefully to get him through the entire night), he laid back against the pillows and sighed deeply. It was only after Tyler had gotten their things into every drawer and the bags tucked under the bed that he laid down next to him.

“When did you become such a mother hen?” Josh asked, a smirk on his lips. Tyler scoffed.

“When my best friend nearly kills himself trying to find me,” He half-laughed, stopping when he saw the red-haired boy’s smirk turn into a frown. “What?”

“If you only knew.” He murmured.

“What?”

“Dude, c’mere, I wanna tell you somethin’,” He eyed Tyler sleepily.

“Painkillers makin’ you tired?” He jeered.

“Leave me alone. C’mere.” He held open his arms. Tyler scooted closer to him, settling an arm under the other boy’s head and turning on his side.

“What’s up?”

“I love you,” He whispered, eyes still closed. “I love you a whole lot. I know I already told you a lot, but you don’t get it, and especially after this morning, I wanna tell you again.” He peeled open an eye to see Tyler blushing. He smiled. “I hate what happened at the camp. It made me feel horrible, and I realized somewhere down the line that you, you maybe thought I was lying, or something. I felt awful. So I’m gonna tell you for real. _For real_ for real. I love you so much, Ty. It hurts sometimes. I love how smooth your skin is and I love your hairline, I love… I love the slope of your little button nose, I love your squeaky little laugh, I _love_ how brown your eyes are, they’re everything. I love,” He smacked his lips, yawning something enormous before continuing. “I love how lanky you are and I love how jerkily you move, I love, um,” He opened his eyes.

“Dude, you don’t have to--”

“I love your teeth, the little crooked teeth on the bottom. I love your tan lines, and, your talking voice versus your singing voice, I love how you have to look at your ukulele when you play sometimes to make sure you’re getting it right, I love how you won’t tell _no one_ what your tattoos mean, I love how my skin feels like it’s on fire right now because I’m touching you,” He nuzzled his cheek into the inside of his friend’s bicep. “You’re frickin’ perfect for no reason, and I love it, alright? I love you.” He kissed his arm, settling down. 

“Hey, Josh?”

“Hm?” 

“I love you, too. I love how muscley your arms are and I love how gentle you are, I love how you make yourself look really tough because you wanna hide the fact that you’re a huge pushover. I love how you only dye your hair when it’s so grown out you can see the bleach again. I love your hands, I love the way you beat the crap out of your instrument, I love how you make everything sound really casual even if you’re trying to be serious. I love _your_ eyes, too, how black they are, how they look like molten lava and the whole night sky,  I love--”

“Dude, I’m trying to sleep.” Tyler snorted loudly, making Josh jerk a little.

“Okay, fine. I love you, though.” 

“I love you, too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> get it? "he came out of the closet"


	16. XVI

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi a lot is happening and i'm a sad lady so i'm just giving you the first draft of what i've written thus far and calling it good
> 
> please be patient with me over the next few days, i'm gonna get back on track i promise

There were already repercussions from their decision. Tyler was awake almost the whole night making sure his friend wasn’t uncomfortable, that he was getting enough sleep without twisting around. He stayed lying on his side and watching Josh’s eyes roll around in his skull, hearing his phone gently wailing the “bark” ringtone from the nightstand. Tyler _knew_ he shouldn’t look, it was wrong and invasive, but who could possibly be trying to-- Oh. It was his mother, wasn’t it.

He didn’t need the answer, he just knew as he tried to maneuver himself over Josh while keeping his arm still behind his head. He ended up straddling him, keeping his head turned to stop from breathing right into his face. He flopped back (gently) to open up the messages, and they were not polite. Back to almost 40 minutes after she thought Josh left the hospital, she had been texting him almost nonstop, and now that daylight was fading, they only seemed to become more and more urgent.

Tyler considered waking up his friend so that he could respond, but he couldn’t bring himself to wake up the Literal Sleeping Beauty underneath him. Instead he just set the phone on the floor so that the noise was muted and settled down next to his friend. Years down the line, he would never fess up to the fact that he deleted the messages from Josh’s mother.

* * *

 

Josh was cold. Empty sunlight was pouring through the drapes like it was an ocean, or something. He scowled, throwing his good arm over his face.

“Jesus, Ty, I don’t think I can do that every morning. I feel like all my veins are dried out.” He waited for a shifting noise, a snort, anything, but nothing came. “Also, can you grab me a blanket, or something? I don’t think I can really move underneath these ones, my entire body feels like a brick.” Still, nothing. Josh peeked out from under his arm. He scowled again, propping himself up on his elbows with some struggle. “Tyler?” He called out. Nothing. 

Josh forced himself to sit up, scanning the room for his friend, and saw that his phone had left the TV stand. Did… Did Tyler leave again?

He felt the air leave his lungs like the wind had been knocked out of him. Tyler couldn’t have left, could he? Would he do that to Josh? There wasn’t anything stopping him, and that was the worst part. Josh would never know what was behind Tyler’s skull _completely_.

He felt himself break into a sweat, and tried to move towards the bathroom, but his side cramped when he moved his legs over the side of the bed. He hissed in discomfort, trying quickly to straighten himself out-- unfortunately, he wasn’t as apt as he thought he was, and ended up just smacking stomach-down next to the bed. He groaned, feeling tears well up.  What was happening? What if Tyler _did_ leave? Josh had no way of getting home. He couldn’t face his mother now that he’d run off, and even if he did, she’d know he tried to run off with his friend. He’d never hear the end of it from _anyone_ , especially not his friends, who nearly died in the process of trying to get him to come _back_ to Columbus again?

If Tyler left, would anyone ever trust Josh’s judgement again? Was all of this in vain? Was everything in the hospital fake? Josh’s eyes snapped open against the carpet, his eyelashes flicking dust bunnies. _Was this how Tyler felt at the lake_? Did the other boy feel like everything between them was a lie?

His breath hitched. Tyler did leave. Tyler was gone and gone for good, trying to get back at Josh just like he’d done almost seven weeks ago, but he knew Josh couldn’t get out this time. He’d die here in Cincinnati because of a misunderstanding, and the idea of that sent him spiralling. There weren’t any thoughts to collect, just sore, shriveling feels in his stomach.

“Josh, are you-?” He opened his eyes, finding Tyler’s feet in his peripheral vision. He reached out towards his tattooed friend, cast flopping uselessly against the floor. He groaned, turning his head away. “Josh, what happened? Why are you the floor?” He came up next to him and fit his thumbs in his hipbones, gently twisting him over. Josh was lifeless. “Dude, talk to me. You’re freaking me out.”

“Almost freaked out again,” He mumbled, trying to sit himself up against the side of the bed. “Thought… Thought you left again.”

“Dude, what’s with you? I’m not leaving again. I’ll let you know if I do. Only reason I didn’t last time was because I forgot my phone in the tent.” Tyler sat down next to him, completely forgetting the plastic bag near the door. Josh leaned against him heavily, still coming down from working himself up. “Were you gonna try to find me, or something?” He shrugged. The younger boy pursed his lips. They sat in silence for a bit while Tyler fiddled with the inseam of his sweatpants. Apparently, it was too much for Josh.

“Fuck, okay, can I tell you something?” Josh gripped Tyler’s by the back of his neck, forcing the other boy to look at him. Tyler’s eyebrows knitted together in concern, but he nodded nonetheless. “Okay, just. Tyler, it… It messed me up really badly, when you left. Like… _Really_ badly. The first time _and_ the second time.”

“What do you mean?” The other boy’s eyes were searching him for something.

“I almost, I. You know about the first time, we talked about that. But the second time was intensified, for some reason.” Josh felt himself blinking back tears. “I couldn’t, I just. I couldn’t handle it for some reason. I didn’t sleep, I didn’t shower, I didn’t eat, and then binged terribly, and I was just. Suffering. I laid in bed all day and just thought about what happened. I had your phone, too, which made it worse because all I did all day was play with it. I looked through photos, through the notes,” Tyler’s eyes bugged out for a second, but he disregarded it. “I just. It was all I had, and it wasn’t enough, and I tore through my drums and broke the sticks and hurt myself a lot,” He squeezed his eyes shut. Tyler audibly swallowed, leaning forward to kiss his friend’s forehead. “And, I just. I thought about killing myself _a lot_ , and I was really gonna do it, but Patrick came over the day before I planned to and he just, he,” He choked on his words. “He just found me sitting on the floor, looking at the ceiling. I was dead. I was _dead_ , Tyler, I couldn’t do it, and then you weren’t _there_ when I woke up,”

“Josh, Josh,” Tyler was whispering. His lips were pressed right against the shell of his ear. The older boy froze when he felt it. “It’s okay, it’s okay.”

“But it, it’s not--”

“Dude, you just have separation anxiety. It’s fine. I would, too.”

“Tyler, you don’t--”

“Listen,” He was still whispering in his ear. Josh’s fingers moved of their own accord, fisting in the shoulders of Tyler’s shirt. “The first time I was gone, I got mixed up with some ugly people, and the only thing that pulled me through it was the idea that you were still out there, living somehow. Honest to god, I promise. I thought about you everyday. I did the second time, too. The whole time I was planning on coming back to you. I wrote you that song, I thought about all the ways I’d apologize, and everything. It will be okay.” The red-haired boy wasn’t sure if Tyler was talking to him or to himself. “There’s a lot you _don’t_ know, though. And I'm willing to tell you, if you promise to believe that I'm not leaving.” He looked him in the eye. Josh nodded, moisture still clotting on his eyelashes. “I’m not leaving. Please believe me.”

“Okay.”

They stayed on the floor like that for a long time. Josh hadn’t shifted his hands and Tyler hadn’t moved his mouth from the edge of the other boy’s ear. It was only when the “bark” ringtone interrupted them, forcing them both to jerk (Tyler cursed himself, he was so sure he’d turned it off) that red-haired boy twisted around, wincing, and picked up his phone.

“Oh, hey,” He mumbled, leaning forward to rest his forehead on Tyler’s shoulder. He cradled the phone against his own cheek. “What’s up?” The other boy could hear a _lot_ of talk from the receiver, but he couldn’t quite tell who it was. Instead, he just breathed against the skin of Josh’s temple and waited for him to hang up.

“Who was--”

“Can you, um,” Josh cut him off. “Can you take me back to the hospital? You can’t go in because your parents are there, but, um. Debby isn’t doing too well.”

“Okay.” He said it without hesitation, immediately shifting backwards and off the floor. He helped Josh up and left him on the edge of the bed to retrieve things (a jacket, car keys, room keys, the essentials) and led them out to his Oldsmobile within five minutes. The drive back to the medical center was thrice as long.

“I’m gonna use my crutches so you don’t have to follow me,” Josh mentioned when they pulled into the parking lot. “I’ll be quick. I’m gonna let Jenna-- she’s the one who called-- know what’s going on, give my condolences, and then we’ll head out.” Wait, what? Tyler scrunched his eyebrows. Yeah, sure, they were gonna run away together, but… Josh was ready to leave so fast? Without anything, or anyone?

“Dude,” Tyler grabbed his shoulder. “You… Actually, we’ll talk when you come back. Don’t tell them you’re leaving, though, just say you’re headed to the bathroom, or something.” Josh nodded in response, climbing out of the door with a skip (a limp, more like) in his step. He watched the boy walk in through the lobby before actually moving around to park, and when he did, he leaned the seat all the way back to reduce the chances of being seen. And then, you know, because he’s Tyler and Tyler does reckless shit, he fucking decides it isn’t worth it and pulls at the door handle to roll out of the driver seat.

He lands on his knees, ignoring the slight sting of the pavement and slamming the door shut with the keys packed into his pocket. There was about one way he was gonna leave Josh alone, especially after the events of this morning, and it was if he was dead. He left his phone in the Oldsmobile and didn’t even realize it until he snuck into the elevator with a nurse rolling around an empty gurney.

And then he was on the fourth floor, where he thought he remembered Debby to be, striding down the hallway, parents be damned. It’s not like he’d actually see his own-- Wait, fuck. What the fuck.

He shoved himself between two vending machines and made a motion like he was punching someone against the wall. No fucking way. She walked right past him.

“Hi, Kelly!” Josh’s voice was too loud for the hallway. Tyler grunted, grinding himself further between the vending machines. “How have you been!"

  
“Oh, um,” His heart stuttered at his mother’s voice.


	17. XVII

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey hi hello it's me i'm back & i'm p excited to be here  
> i've been seein all your comments and your kudos and i'm. astounded ok i love you all so much thank you?? it really makes my week to hear from you all.  
> a lot of stuff happened but i'm back so. here we go we're back at it

_“Oh, um,” She said, eyeing her son disdainfully. “And how do you know…?”_

_“I just do,” Tyler hiccuped, scrubbing at his eyes with his sleeves. “Maybe I didn’t know it before now, but I know, mom. I know. Please believe me.”_

_“I do believe you, Tyler.”_

_“I’m scared, mama,” He sat on the floor of the living room, hiding his face in his hands. “I don’t know what to do. I don’t want you to be mad at me. I don’t want dad to be mad at me. I don’t w-want anyone to be mad. I don’t know what to do. I don’t wanna tell anyone.”_

_“Tyler, you don’t have to tell anyone. You shouldn’t tell anyone, in fact. This has to be-- this is a secret.” She put a hand on his shoulder, realizing how badly he was shaking._

_“I need help, mama. I’m scared.”_

_“Damn right, you’re scared.” His father was scowling. Tyler didn’t have to meet his eyes to know he was angry. “Stand up, son.”_

“Hello, Joshua,” She muttered. Tyler’s breath hitched, high and watery.He brought a palm over his mouth. Josh’s crutches were frantic. “If you’ll excuse me,” more clacking. “I must get going, we were only supposed to be here for an hour.” _Clack, clack_.

“Okay, sure thing!” His voice was outright chipper, making Tyler wrinkle his nose. “Are you headed out, then?”

“I believe so,” she sighed. Maybe. Or it was just breathy. Whatever. What the hell was Josh doing with his crutches? “Joshua, please.” _Clack_ , _clack._

“Pardon me! I’m not adjusting well,” He laughed. _What?_   “Have you seen my parents, actually? I was hoping to have a word with them.”

“Oh, um,” She said again, forcing Tyler’s heart to falter again. He coughed into his elbow, leaning his head back against the metal. “I have, actually. I last saw them with Debby’s parents, near her room. Do you want me to lead you there?”

“Oh, no, thank you,” _Cheeky_ was the only word he could come up with. Josh was _cheeky_. “I’m gonna grab a bottle of water.” There was humming, and then his crutches were coming down the hall, retreating footsteps sounding down the other way. Tyler exhaled slowly.

“That could have sent me into cardiac arrest.” He whispered, fishing a dollar from his shoe to pass to Josh. He hoped the other boy would ignore his shaking. Instead, he just snorted.

“That was pretty stupid.” Josh was fiddling with the buttons. The crashing sound of the water bottle filling the silence. “You’re lucky I was in the same place at the same time.”

“Yeah, I am.” Tyler scooted himself out, dusting himself off and leaning down to pull out the water bottle. He twisted the cap off and handed it to Josh. “I don’t know what I expected.”

“Why’d you follow me in here?” He asked, raising the bottle to his lips. “Thought you said you’d wait in the car to avoid situations _exactly_ _like that one_.”

Desperate to lighten the mood, Tyler jumped at the opportunity to mess with his friend.

“Wanted t’see if you’d blow me in the bathroom, or so--”

Josh jerked the bottle away from his mouth, a little pouring over his fist as he fought to keep from choking. Tyler hissed, doubling over to laugh into his knees.

“Dude, what the fuck,” Josh sputtered. He was coughing hysterically, barely able to support himself as he covered his mouth and struggled to keep the water from pouring all over the hallway.

“I-I’m kidding,” Tyler snickered, “I just sai-- _Dude!_ ” He fumbled backward, landing on his bottom and staring up at Josh with utter betrayal.

Josh was howling, leaning back against the opposite wall and wiping tears from his eyes. Somewhere in the middle, he’d made the decision to pour some of the water down Tyler’s back. One of his crutches hit the floor.

“Gotcha,” He said, using his sleeve to wipe away the tears. Tyler sat, his mouth agape (definitely _not_ smiling, no matter how many times Josh would accuse him of thinking that it was funny, too). “That was so good, dude, you gotta admit.”

“Shut up,” _Now_ he grinned, standing to pull the water bottle from Josh and tilt it forward. Josh gasped, shoving his hand out to keep it away, effectively knocking the other crutch out from underneath himself. He made another gasping noise, clawing at Tyler’s shirt. The other boy wrapped an arm around him, pressing him against the wall with the bottle still cradled in his other hand. “What are you--”

“If you pour that water on me, I will kill you,”

“Dude, you’re pulling on me too hard, I’m--”

“Oh, oh,” Josh snorted, instead using the other boy’s shoulders to pull himself up. “Sorry, just, cap the water, you’re making me nervous.”

“I can do that, but you’re gonna fall.” He settled his weight against Josh, trying to squeeze his arm from behind his friend.

“You’re really close to me.”

“Thanks, I know,” Tyler was smiling again, taking in the flush on Josh’s cheeks. “Uncomfortable?”

“We’re in public.”

“It’s your fault we’re in this position, J.”

“Thank you, Tyler.” Josh narrowed his eyes. “Cap the water, please.”

“You’re gonna fall.”

“Where’d you put the cap?”

“It-- here, can you just, straighten out your leg,” He pushed Josh farther up the wall, forcing a squeak from his friend.

“Okay, yo, do _not_ ,” Josh pushed at his shoulders. “Don’t do that, it, just. Where’s the cap?”

“It’s in my front pocket.”

“You’re kidding.”

“Not… really…”

“Tyler, Jesus Christ, why--”

“Don’t even try to blame me, dude, you’re the one who put us right here. Do you want me to get it? If you hold-- Josh, oh my gosh,” The other boy had stuffed his hand between them, reaching down to palm Tyler’s pocket.

“Don’t fuckin’ make eye contact with me, weirdo.” He muttered. The younger boy laughed.

“We’ve been making eye contact this entire time.”

“Well it’s weird when I have _my hand_ in your _pants_.” He clipped his fingers inside to work out the cap. Tyler wiggled his eyebrows. Josh groaned, his head hitting the wall. “ _Stop_.”

“Joshua?” Another voice rang out. Tyler felt his heart drop into his shoes. He froze, eyeing Josh, who eyed him right back. “Are you alright down there?”

“Yes!” He called, looking back towards the beginning of the hall. Tyler shook his head, shoving Josh further up the wall so that he was on his feet. He put the water bottle in his fist, mouthing _sorry_ before jumping back behind the machines, away from the light. “Thank you, I just. My crutches fell,” He was laughing.

“I thought I heard someone down here with you?” She was saying, her footsteps growing louder. Tyler swallowed.

“Oh. No?" He lied effortlessly. "It’s just me. I thought you were headed out?”

“Oh, well, yes,” She said. “I went to grab my husband, but your parents were there, so I mentioned you were looking for them. They seemed awfully surprised. You’d been down here a while, so I thought I’d--”

“Thank you, Kelly,” Josh said. He thought he felt sweat beading on his temples. “I’ll be over there shortly, no worries.”

“Do you need help?” She offered. Tyler wanted to scream. Josh must’ve shook his head, because she was saying, “Alright, well! I’ll be on my way then.” She stepped forward, walking right past Tyler. Had she looked over her shoulder, she would have seen him.

But she didn’t. She kept walking. She turned left, and she was gone.

“I’m leaving,” Tyler said, immediately following her disappearance. “This is too…” _traumatizing,_ he thought. “Weird. Are you actually gonna talk to your parents?”

“No, I…” Josh shook his head. Tyler bent down to grab the crutches, helping his friend situate himself. “I was just gonna see Debby, but, they’re over there, so…”

“You wanna go?” The air was heavy. Josh shrugged.

“Probably should.”

“See, I thought I heard you talking to some--” She turned the corner again, the knowing smile on her lips quickly twisting into something foul. “Oh…”

Tyler was confident that time just stopped. The entire world evaporated beyond this hallway, that nothing else existed beyond the way Josh was pinching his wrist and the _something_ in his mother’s eyes. His _mother’s_ eyes.

“Tyler?” She breathed, an eyebrow carefully poised in question. His blood was frozen. “Is… Tyler?”

The boy in question was incredibly thankful Josh decided to keep his mouth shut. There were about three different ways this could end, and he wasn’t sure which way he preferred, yet.

“Hi,” He whispered, voice suddenly shot. He swallowed. “Hi.”

“Son?” She breathed again, blinking fast. Was she going to cry, or something? “You’re… Alive? You’re here?”

The silence was drowning the three of them. Every word was tangible in the air.

“I…” He swallowed again. “Yeah.”

“What are you doing here?” She was still blinking fast, fingers clenching and unclenching at her waist. “We thought…”

“Thought I was dead, yeah.” Tyler kept swallowing, the saliva building between his lips like he was going to vomit. “I know. Yeah. I’d probably think that, too, if my son ran away and I didn’t put in a missing person’s report.”

“Oh, son,” Her features softened, arms dropping to her sides.

“Am I? Is that what I am?” The tattooed boy wasn’t sure where this malice was coming from, but it was cutting the air, it was dicing his flesh, it was dashing the hopefulness from his mother’s eyes.

“Josh, did you know he was--”

“No, I didn’t,” Josh said, his fingers digging into the bone on Tyler’s wrist. He winced. “I had no idea he was here. We were just talking about it, actually.”

“Were you going to tell us, this time?”

“ _This_ time?” Tyler asked, looking back and forth between them. Josh was drawing on his wrist.

_P_ , Josh traced. Tyler scrunched his eyebrows.

“Oh, um,” Josh started, but his friend’s mother cut him off.

_U_

“Apparently you’ve met with your friend a few times, _son_.” Her words had a bite.

_N_

“And he told--”

_C_

“Okay, fuck,” Josh hissed, and then everything was black.

 

* * *

  


“You're fine,” he heard. “You're fine. You're fine. You’re fine.”

“Who’s fine?” Tyler mumbled, running a hand over his face. His nails bumped into something plastic, and a shock of pain ran through his cheek.

He hissed, jerking hand back and hiding his nose in his elbow. “Wha--”

“Dude, shh,” an arm wrapped around his shoulder and gently tugged him backward. “We gotta go. Can you move?”

“Uh,” he blindly reached out, palming the ground with one hand and denim with the other. “I can't see anything. Josh?”

“Yeah, dude? We gotta move, are you okay?” He tugged on Tyler’s shoulders again to scoot him along.

“Where are we?”

“Your place.”

“The shack?” He scrunched his eyebrows, a sharp pain running through his cheek. “Ow, what the fuck?”

“Your nose?” His voice was concerned. “They plastered it up. Is it hurting?”

“When I move my face,” he tried to laugh. Josh didn't. “What're we here for? How did you know how to get here?”

“You told me. You don’t remember?” He stopped then, seeming to turn around and look at Tyler. They couldn’t see each other. “What do you remember?”

Tyler opened his mouth to talk, but Josh was running a finger along his chin. “Actually, we. Yeah, we have to keep moving, but once we’re settled, we’ll talk, okay?”

“Been doin’ a lot of that, lately.” He tried to chuckle. Josh still didn’t join. “Do you know how to get in?”

“We’re actually inside, man, we’re just on the floor. I was trying to move us around, but my leg gave out, and--”

“Are you… I have a cot, you know?”

“Well shit, dude. Where’s it at?”

“Far corner, um. On the opposite end of the house from the kitchen.” He shifted around to put his arm around Josh. “Where are we? Here, here,” He bunched his knees underneath himself, standing slowly to make sure Josh made it up, as well. “What time is it?”

“I think it’s, like, 10?” Josh shrugged, shifting their weight around and forcing Tyler to stumble as they moved.

“What the hell? How long--”

“I don’t know, man.”

“Alright, here.” Tyler placed him on the cot carefully. “How did we get here?”

“Morning, please. My leg is killing me.”

“Josh, what’s going on? C’mere,” He pulled his friend back against him. “Talk to me.”

“Morning, please.”

“Fine, dude, but I’m not letting go of this.”

“Deal.” Josh headbutted his shoulder, rolling over on the bed with a sigh. Tyler threw an arm over his back and laid carefully on his stomach, trying to avoid his face.

“What happened to my nose?”

“ _Morning_.”

“...Fine. Hey, Josh?”

“What, Tyler?”

“I love you.”

"Oh, my god.” Josh snorted, turning his head to face his friend. “I love you, too.”

 

* * *

 

Josh dreamed in memories.

“Okay, so, you’re telling me,” Debby started, leaning over the table to grab a fry from Tyler. “You’re telling me that you’ve got your eyes on someone, and because you’re afraid we’re gonna invite them to Melanie’s party, you refuse to come.” She twisted the fry back and forth, inspecting it.

“...Yes,” Tyler said eventually, picking at his own food. Josh was vibrating in his seat. “I don’t want to see them and end up doing something stupid. Especially with all your spin-the-bottle b.s.,” He frowned, refusing to meet her eyes. She scoffed.

“Y’know, if you would just _tell me who it is_ , we could avoid inviting them.” She said. She crossed her arms over her chest and leaned back in the seat. Tyler shook his head, leaning his head against the window.

“You… You all know them. There’s no way they wouldn’t be there.” He shrugged, pushing around another fry with his pinky. Josh was _vibrating_.

“Well, maybe we could set you guys up!”

“No,” Tyler grimaced, sitting up and scooting his chair back. “They would never like me like that. Please just leave it alone. I’m not really a party-goer kind of person anyways.”

“Does Josh know who it is?” She tried, plucking away another one of his fries. She turned to face him, picking up her legs to sit criss-cross in the seat. Josh didn’t look back at her, instead just shook his head.

“No.” He murmured. Debby didn’t look convinced. He looked at Tyler through his eyelashes, and the other boy’s cheeks were flushed cherry red. He didn’t even know his best friend, his _own crush_ , _had_ a crush on someone.

“Okay, then… If Tyler’s not coming, does that mean you’re not coming either?” She sounded a little dejected, but Josh nodded against his chest regardless. He could hear Tyler sigh.

On the night of the party, they were sitting at the top of Josh’s bed and playing _Mirror’s Edge_. They took turns with the controller, and right then, Josh was watching his friend go at it.

“So, dude, um,” He started, trying to seem casual. “What was Debby talking about?”

“She saw me drawing in my notebook in math,” The younger boy responded simply. “She just sort of jumped to the conclusion of the crush thing, and because I didn’t deny it, she’s been all over me about it.” He shrugged. “Why?”

“You weren’t gonna tell me?” Josh knitted his eyebrows together. Tyler shrugged again.

“I dunno. I barely think about it. It just never gets brought up, I guess, and there was no reason to. It’s just one of those infatuation things, y’know?”

“So… You’re not gonna pursue her?” Tyler froze, his fingers seizing on the controller for a moment. He watched Faith fall off the edge of a building with a blank expression.

“No, no,” He mumbled. “They… No.”

“Why not? Is she cute?”

“They’re, they’re f--” He stopped, running his palm over his face. Josh noticed his cheeks flushing. “Can we… Not talk about this…” Josh put a hand on his shoulder.

“Dude, what’s up? Why’re you so weird about this? It’s just me.” He tried to comfort his friend, but Tyler was shrugging him off and pausing the game completely to roll off the bed.

“B-because, th-- Josh, please,” He tried again. “Can we like, go to sleep? I don’t wanna talk about this right now.”

“...Okay, dude.” He shrugged. He felt a little hurt that Tyler wouldn’t talk about this, especially when he was making efforts to be supportive of it despite his own huge crush on the dude. Whatever. He’d work it out of him eventually.   


* * *

 

Tyler dreamed in memories.

“You’re not funny, Sean,” Nick was hissing, smoke pouring from his lips. Sean was laughing maniacally, his fists bleached white around the steering wheel as he screeched around the corner. Kevin was chuckling a little bit, too, his eyes closed as he leaned against the plastic wrap. Tyler was shivering _badly_. He couldn’t feel any of his extremities and he was getting worried that the other guys were going to snap at him for how severely his teeth were chattering, but he couldn’t help it.

He fisted his hands in the fabric of his pockets and shoved his face into his knees. He wanted to be back the shack, he wanted to try and sleep. He wanted to get underneath his stack of threadbare blankets and wither away. He wanted to stop this.

He thought about it every night as they whipped throughout Cincinnati, tires squealing and hash thrashing around behind Tyler, Kevin, and Eli as Nick and Sean navigated the streets. He thought about going to sleep and just dying, just evaporating underneath the covers. He would give anything for it.

Tonight wasn’t gonna be that night, though. Sean was curbing the sidewalk of some neighborhood that started with a W, Tyler thought, and not even trying to slow down. Tyler tried not to even look out front. He didn’t want anything to even seem real. If anything was real, that meant he was, too.

But then the tires were squealing, and Tyler was thrown into the back of the driver’s seat as the van fucking ran over what was probably a trash can, or something, but Nick was _screaming?_

“What the fuck, Sean!” He was clawing at the other guy’s sleeve and shoving him into the window. Sean screamed, yanking the steering wheel every which way he could. Tyler’s head was throbbing when Sean finally gained some sense to slam his foot down on the break and force the van to a halt.

“What the fuck did you hit?” Eli was asking, grunting as he unlocked the van and shoved open the doors. Tyler groaned quietly, thumbing his temples as flat blue light filtered into the van. “Dude, holy shit!”

“What!” Nick was still hollering, clambering out of the passenger seat and stepping on Tyler’s calf as he stumbled out the back, almost eating the pavement when he tripped out of the van. He was fucking fried, Tyler noted tiredly.

“You hit a fucking kid!”

_What?_

 

* * *

 

Josh dreamed in memories.

“Tyler…” Josh breathed, suddenly overwhelmed. The other boy had woken up in the middle of the night, which wasn’t unusual, but he came back from the bathroom _crying_. He was sitting at the foot of the bed, trembling like he was going to fall out of his skin, and angrily scrubbing at the tears that wouldn’t stop. Josh had climbed over to meet him, wrap an arm around his shoulders, but Tyler shrug him off again.

“I can’t, I’m sorry,” He kept saying, “I’m…”

“You’re fine,” Josh said, rolling off to sit on the ground in front of Tyler. “Look, dude. I’m right here. There’s nothing to be afraid of.”

“There is _everything_ to--” He stopped, swallowing suddenly. He wouldn’t look at Josh. “Can you… Go to sleep? I just need to calm down.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, please, J.”

 

* * *

 

Tyler dreamed in memories.

Her name was Meg. The girl they hit. That Sean hit. Her name was Meg and she had long hair and lost a lot of blood.

They kept her in the shack, kept her on the floor near the TV and Tyler made her food sometimes when she would wake up. She never spoke, though. Never said a word.

Not even after Nick and Kevin tried to… Make her. Tyler suppressed those memories tighter than a pressure cooker. But they tried to make her. She never did.

Meg's existence was a plague unto Tyler. She was a reminder that what they were doing had consequences, that the things he was involved in here were illegal, were hurtful, were wrong.

It didn't go away. Not even when she did. If anything, her death was what inspired Tyler to leave. To run home. To try again.

Her death was exhausting. Kevin put a gun in Tyler's hands and told him to go for it. Everyone was tired of looking at her, of smelling her, of hearing her struggle to breathe. So he put a gun to her head and pulled the trigger.

It wasn't that simple, but that's how he remembered it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one ends in a weird spot because it was the only real cutoff point i was able to work with.
> 
> next one's up tomorrow afternoon!!! i'll see u then. stay fresh :)


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